Life in tatters - what do I do?

[MrMan123]

Hello.

I am in an absolute emotional mess and would appreciate any comments that might cheer me up.

By way of background, I was with my partner since she was 17 and I was 19 and we had an amazing life together. We never married but were obsessed with each other and meant the world to each other.

However, when I was 35, my partner got pregnant.

I was elated but she soon announced that it was almost certainly not mine (short -term affair).

I was devastated but we stayed together and I adore my son more than life itself.

However, the last ten years have eaten away at me - the affair has caused me various mental health issues and I can no longer cope.

I talked to a therapist and, despite my willingness to work on things, I just cannot get over the betrayal.

We are now talking about separating and my world feels that it is crashing down around me - I still love my partner but realise that I cannot be with or without her.

The thought of not being with my son, every day, is destroying me.

I am a kind man and I have tried my best but do not know how I have ended up in this situation.

Any advice or words of encouragement, to keep me going, would be much appreciated.

Do you have PR for your son? This is important if you aren't his biological father.
Have you tried having couple counselling? Ten years is a long time to punish her and yourself. I agree you should separate if you can't get over it. It's do or don't - you can't struggle on indefinitely in limbo. Counselling might help though, both together and separately for you.

I have no legal PR rights at all - however, I am not worried about access as my ex and I are still best friends and we want to keep things amicable. I, of course, will continue to maintain my son financially as well.

It is just so tragic - I feel that my world is literally shutting down at the moment.

I do not think reconciliation is an option for us - I always made it clear that cheating was an absolute dealbreaker for me and I think I have been kidding myself that I could overlook it.

Sorry for your pain. He is your son please focus on him and his innocence. You may not be able to get back to a healthy place with your son's mom. I am certain you're son loves you so much and doesn't care about DNA paternity he is concerned with who lives him

OP is also innocent in the respect that he did not have an affair that resulted in a pregnancy.
He has already stipulated that he intends to stay in the child's life but he is entitled to feel however he feels about this situation. In fact, it may help him process things more effectively if he is a little selfish and has a breather to get his head around what has happened to his life.
I notice @BeBusyShaker you are on another thread trying to get a man that is not the father to bring up another man's child....is this yet another weird kink I haven't heard of or are you just a little odd?

Things change, the slow breakdown of your relationship is testament to that, so you need to legally recognise your son. You do not have PR and thus your relationship with your son is at the mercy of the person that betrayed you and with whom you are separating from. Only a gambling man would take the risk you are taking by not formally and legally recognising your relationship with your so.

No, you need to go for PR. Otherwise you will be at the mercy of your ex.

Getting out of your comfort zone (family, house..) and leaving will be hard of course but only at first. Even though everything seems doomed now, things will improve.
Focus your mind on moving forward and what needs to be done.

OP You say that your son is 'almost certainly' not yours but have you done a paternity test to be sure?
Still being together but being unable to forgive her for her infidelity after all these years sounds like torment and talk of separating has thrown you into confusion. If you do indeed split up then you need to get PR as you have no rights currently.
I would advise couples counselling as a last attempt to reconcile. If must be so painful for you not being
able to forgive her even though you say you love her deeply. I imagine she is the one to suggest separation as perhaps she wants to finally feel free of the guilt and is looking for a way to move on.

It’s good that you are talking with a therapist.

You will be able to live without her, it’s not what you want but you will be able to do it. It’s really positive that you are still friends.

I would focus on practicalities as it’s easier emotionally.

What’s going to happen with the existing family home and where you are both going to live. You each need a two bedroomed place. Your son will be at secondary soon (guessing on your timeline) so will be able to come as go between the homes much more easily.

Zombie

Agree and also get a DNA test so that you know: your ex will almost certainly say that the child is not yours in order to avoid you being involved in her life. All 3 of you need to know.

Even if you are not this boy’s father, remember that you are an important father figure in his life and should still have contact with him.

Agree and also get a DNA test so that you know: your ex will almost certainly say that the child is not yours in order to avoid you being involved in her life. All 3 of you need to know.

Even if you are not this boy’s father, remember that you are an important father figure in his life and should still have contact with him.