How to leave a bad relationship when you have anxiety?

[Gettingfitat41]

I want to leave a very bad relationship but my anxiety is stopping me. I have only left one relationship before (a 30 year one) and had to take medication, have councelling and I still nearly had a breakdown. I really need to leave but my anxiety is stopping me telling my partner to go as I could literally end up having a breakdown, I hate change and confrontation. I can’t see a way out. But I’m deeply unhappy. Please help.

Your anxiety will continue to get worse the longer you stay in a shit relationship.

Yes it’s not easy to leave but you have to put you first,

It’s like the words won’t even come out of my mouth. Even if it gives me a breakdown i need to leave. Partner has cannabis issues and related mood swings. I’m constantly on edge. But don’t know how he will react when I say I think we should seperate. We have been together 4 years. He blames all our issues on me. He calls me a fucking dickhead when he’s annoyed but says he’s just a swearer, comments on my weight but says he’s a realist etc

I live with him, the rental is in my name. I could go and stay in an Airbnb for the weekend and text him from there that it’s over and he needs to find somewhere else to live. And then stay in the Airbnb until he has gone, I am lucky in that I have the funds to do that if necessary. That’s the only way I can think of ending it. I think face to face I would literally be sick.

What are the practicalities of the split? Are you on a tenancy agreement together, have joint finances? What needs to happen?

I would unpick as much as you can now. And get everything lined up. Then maybe write things down and give it to him as a letter. Stay there whilst you give it to him and answer questions, but that may help you get out everything you wish to say.

Don’t move out of somewhere you are responsible for. If you want to be kind, rent him an Airbnb for a month and kick him into that.

That could be a good idea. Rental is in my name as I lived here before meeting him, he transfers me money for half the bills each month

Agree with @Stagshear that you shouldn’t be the one to move out of your place. Could just be prolonging the difficulty of getting him out and gone. I think if you take one big step the rest will start to fall in to place. Anxiety can make you stall and procrastinate but taking action will have give the situation momentum. Maybe that’s having someone to support you in telling him if you don’t feel safe to do it on your own.

I broke up with my ex after 20 years and also had medication and counselling. There's no shame in that, and it doesn't make you a weakling :) It's a very understandable human reaction. Good on you for being so aware of your needs and planning around them now. And well done on being ready to leave even though it's so stressful. Are you still having counselling, or could you get back in touch with your old counsellor, if they were helpful?

I find it hard to do councelling at the moment due to me and my partner finishing work at the same time each day but it’s definitely something I could start once we no longer live together

I think the anxiety is looming because I know what I need to do and how difficult it will be

What are you particularly afraid of?

Are you worried about how he will react physically?

What is the problem with just calmly saying "this is no good for either of us it's time we split"

Does he have somewhere he can go? Friends, family?

I mean I think I would just lose it, something like, "if I am a fucking dickhead then fuck off show me how it's fucking done properly go and find your own house and leave me alone to be a fucking dickhead in peace. Enough leave."

He doesn’t have anywhere he can go I think that’s one thing that worries me. And also my emotions I find it hard to leave someone I always remember the good times however small and then burst into tears and can’t go through with it. But I need to leave for my mental health

At the moment I can’t tell if my mental health is making me not happy in the relationship, or if the relationship is making my mental health worse. He said I should brush off being called a duck head he’s just a swearer and expressing himself. But it makes me anxious

He blames all our issues on me. He calls me a fucking dickhead when he’s annoyed but says he’s just a swearer, comments on my weight but says he’s a realist etc
He said I should brush off being called a duck head he’s just a swearer and expressing himself.
Got lots of excuses for being nasty, hasn't he? Sounds like he's had plenty of practice.
If he complains when you dump him, you can say you just did it because you are a pragmatist and don't waste your time on pointless or unpleasant activities.

He sounds awful.

If you have a breakdown, you have a breakdown. It will pass. You will get through it and come out feeling better. If you stay in the relationship you will continue to be ‘deeply unhappy’, and you might well end up having a breakdown anyway.

Only one of those options holds a promising future.