Am I being mean?

[sweetstufflonndon]

I’m upset, but I don’t know if I’m overreacting.
I had to go to hospital yesterday because there were some concerns with my mammogram. The doctor wants to discuss putting me on long-term, low-dose chemotherapy as a preventive measure because I’m very high-risk for breast cancer, I lost my sister to it a year and a half ago. It was a difficult day.
My partner of 2.5 years (we don’t live together) was sympathetic when I told him, but he didn’t ask when my appointment was, and he didn’t check in at all during the day. He messaged me about other things but never mentioned it. Then, at 5:30 in the evening, he sent me a message saying he had to work a weekend in a few weeks—something he had promised he wouldn’t do again. Weekends are the only time we see each other, and we’ve already spent a month apart because of his work and other commitments.
I just feel really let down. He did apologise and admitted he should have asked me first before sending that message. I know he loves me, but I often have to ask him to show concern for me. He has ADHD, and I try to be understanding, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Am I overreacting? I feel like I need some space to consider whether this relationship is right for me in the long run, because this kind of behaviour is really triggering for me. He’s otherwise a good and kind partner, which makes me feel guilty for being this upset—but I still am. Thanks for reading

If he had to work a weekend that’s surely because he has to?
it sounds like you certain expectations of him and he can’t / won’t meet them
It does sound thoughtless that he didn’t speak to you about the appt - only you know if that’s malicious or not
does he understand what the apt was and how it made you feel?
sounds like you have a lot on and hope things will settle down - maybe focus on yourself and your health without making big relationship decisions?

You sound a low priority to him. He should have checked in and it’s hurtful that he didn’t. Is it likely that he didn’t understand the significance of the appointment?

You’re overreacting over him working weekends as work is work but he isn’t showing much effort overall.

You don’t live together
he was supportive when with you
and then didn’t follow up. It would indicate that he’s not really thinking about you when not actually with you. He compartmentalises basically.

So the last time he even saw you was a month ago! OP, this really doesn’t sound like a very close relationship!

He doesn’t ‘have’ to work, and we agreed for the sake of our relationship that he’d stop working weekends otherwise we don’t see each other for a two week period.. I’ve been very understanding of his work/life commitments

Personally I can't imagine not checking up on someone if I knew they had a hospital appointment, and especially in the circumstances you describe where you have very real cause for concern.
So for your DP not to was really poor behaviour on his part.

I agree with @Bloompetal that he compartmentalises. And you are only important to him when it's your turn to feature in his life.

I don't see you getting much out of this relationship going forward OP.

I hope your hospital appointment went well and was helpful to you.

You haven’t seen him for a month
you only ever see each other on weekends anyway
you’re not going to see him for another few weeks

OP - what kind of a relationship is this?

how old are you both?

I’ve been very understanding of his work/life commitments

do you have any?

@Bloompetal yes of course I do. I work and have children and friends and a very full life.

You’re not a priority to him OP - ADHD isn’t an excuse for zero effort from a partner.

Stop wasting your time on someone who you barely see

Personally, if you just want a companion you see now and again who’s not too involved in your life, then he’s fine.
If you want someone to build a relationship with, who makes time for you and cares for you, then you are wasting your time. If you almost have to force someone to show basic care, you are going to exhaust yourself.
You are looking to this man for things he cannot provide.
I would concentrate on my health and wellbeing and loved ones because right now, you don’t need the stress.

So you shouldnt miss someone you see very rarely and only over weekends if you finish it an move on

Some of the harsh replies I see on Mumsnet sometimes amaze me!

OP - I'm sorry you're having to go through the uncertainty of this health issue, particularly after losing your sister 18 months ago. I can understand how triggering and frightening it must all be for you.

Re: the work thing - I can see how that's disappointing but it's work, rather than play, and it depends on his reasons for doing it. Does he have to do it? Does he need the money? That doesn't sound too unreasonable to me as long as it's not all the time and depending on the circumstances.

Re: the hospital appointment, this has happened to me with my xDP. He forgot I had a scan two years for a lump in my breast that I had removed by emergency surgery the next day. He was never very good or empathetic when I was ill or bereaved. And he split up with me recently because apparently I never put him first (there were lots of other complaints but basically I'm an awful person!). I don't know much about ADHD but surely your DP would have been able to remember an important hospital appointment like that and would check in with you after? I just know that my xDP let me down time and time again when I needed him and it became a pattern. I really hope that's not the case with yours and that it was a genuine mistake but I would be wary of someone now who didn't think to remember that I had a triggering hospital appointment that day.

Better to be single than to be badly accompanied. What are you getting out of this so called relationship exactly?.

He is more like a companion or fair weather friend than anything else and you frankly deserve better than to be treated as an option rather than a priority.