So confused - manipulation

[Allthewallsarewhite]

OK, I need some opinions on this. I've broken up with my ex a few weeks ago because he is emotionally manipulative and controlling and I couldn't deal with it anymore.
Anyhow, he is still contacting me regularly with all sorts of long essays, sometimes horrible and mean, sometimes trying to reconcile and pages long of reflection on the relationship (although from my perspective his reflection is very warped).
I feel very triggered by it all and don't want contact anymore as I don't feel we could ever come to a resolution.
However, from his point of view I'm giving him the silent treatment and have ended the relationship to manipulate him.
When reading into this, refusing to talk to someone and ending the relationship can indeed be used as a manipulative tactic to get someone to change. However I simply just want it to be over.

So surely that's not manipulative of me?

I struggle with a lot of the therapy talk, because in my experience my ex can turn it around to make it sound like my actions are abusive, like with the above, where me ignoring him and ending the relationship could be seen as silent treatment and manipulation.

He uses "boundaries" in the same way, where during the relationship he said I didn't respect his boundaries and need for reassurance if I didn't sent my locations constantly or wasn't able to text him for a few hours, and said I essentially abandoned him repeatedly in this way.
I know what he demands and the way he acts isn't right, but I struggle with him (and others like him) being able to use the jargon to support his own narrative. And it's impossible to argue with that without being accused of darvo (another one).

Sometimes I struggle with reading about these behaviours that he uses himself and then accused me of and depending on interpretation I guess he finds support for his point of view. But then it leaves me to wonder how else I could possible protect myself and my own boundaries and leave a relationship? I feel it should be made clearer in which cases it's not manipulative so that it's not so easy for abusers to use the jargon against their "victim".

I don't know why I'm posting, but I guess I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind and don't know what's right anymore. I don't want to be with him anymore, but I recognise he is hurting and desperate for me to acknowledge he's not worthless, so I feel awful about giving him the "silent treatment". But I also know that if I do engage it will just make it worse.

What are your thoughts? What's the right thing to do.

One word

Block

I agree with PP - just BLOCK him!!!

Op you have given this chap SO much brain space since you finished it.

enough! Just block and move on

He is a bit nuts. You nailed it with controlling and manipulative - he’s now angry because you took control and broke up with him. And accusing you of manipulating him by breaking up with him is an attempt at manipulation.

you are not giving him the silent treatment, you have broken up with him and no longer want to talk to him, as is your right and is a perfectly sane and normal thing to do.

block him and move on.

and well done for breaking free, he sounds appallingly self centred.

You’ve finished the relationship so silent treatment is not abusive.

block him …do not allow him to upset you anymore. It’s him that is being abusive and manipulative.

send him a message asking him not to contact you again and if he does you will contact the police.

stay strong.

Yep time to block. That’s what I battled with the most I questioned if my behaviour was abusive, it wasn’t. Someone who is abusive typically doesn’t question if they are for a start. My abuser also said I was the abuser. Never said he was. Best I got was.. we were both abusive.. no mate I wasn’t. Yes there was reactive abuse which he uses against me and tells me it’s still abuse and still wrong and yes it is but you’re forced to a point you can’t take it anymore and you do react.

if I spent my life thinking my ex had a point I’d never move forward

block, therapy, heal 🩷

Thank you so much for your replies, it does help.
I can't block him yet because I still have his stuff, like furniture etc.
I've arranged for it to be returned to him with a moving company next week (he kept delaying it himself, hence only now, I just hope he won't cancel it).
Does he have any grounds to make claims if he lies about something being missing or damaged?
I'm asking because he also sent me an "invoice" which is extortionate and I can't afford last week for diy jobs he helped me with during our relationship. I have to add he insisted on helping voluntarily, I never demanded it or anything like that. It's just something we did together because he claimed to enjoy it.
I'm not sure where I stand legally with that. But also I fear he will pull something similar with the stuff I'm returning.
I don't want him in my house again to collect his things himself though.

Yea op you can block him
you are choosing not to
send details of the furniture return
block
ignore invoice (obviously)
and no he can’t pursue you for any damage to his items or missing

Come on now op. You need to woman up. Fast.

I would completely ignore that invoice and actually I wouldn't read any of the letters. Just get all his stuff together and arrange for it to be delivered to him by someone independent. I think I would ask a friend to come round to take photos of all his stuff in situ so that he can't make any complaints about what you've done to it.

You are well out of that relationship! The very last thing you need to do is read his letters telling you how bad you are.

Never mind all that, that's just him trying to control you and the situational and you are allowing him to succeed.

Take definitive action and block him. If he cancels the furniture delivery, that's up to him. For any further communications, like bullshit invoices, let him contact you via a solicitor and you do same.

I'm pretty sure he won't bother.

This is post separation abuse and will continue indefinitely if you don’t block him.

Nominate a no nonsense person to deal with any necessary communication and block him. If he refuses the delivery his things go to the tip. Ignore any invoices.

I hope he’s paying for removing his furniture ?
If you can’t block, just don’t read any essays he sends you. You know it’s manipulation so best to ignore.
As for the invoice, ignore it.
Keep a record of his texts which prove you were in a relationship when he did the work.

Any DIY he did was his choice Op, you owe him nothing unless you agreed to pay him before he did the work. If he doesn't accept the furniture then tell him you'll be charging him storage fees.
He's just using these as an excuse to stay in contact, get them resolved and block him

He can’t invoice you and what he is doing is abusive. Take pictures of everything before you send it back so he can’t damage it himself and then claim criminal damage. Then make a call to 101 and report him for controlling and coercive behavior, they take things like this very seriously now and he might just need a quiet word from a copper. Hopefully then he should stop. They will warn him any future contact is harassment.

@Allthewallsarewhite send him one last message that his stuff is in black binbags for immediate collection from the front door, then, for goodness sake, block the shit! do not answer any further or get someone else to tell him to get his stuff then fuck off! I am constantly amazed at the number of people who still keep their horrible exes contact details in their phones!!

@Allthewallsarewhite ...my ex tried this.....he cannot invoice you without a signed contract you agreed to the amount charged..he would be laughed out of small claims so ignore 🤣

Take photos of all the stuff going back. Don’t pay him a penny as he’s chancing his luck. Ignore him.

He’s unhinged.
Get rid of his stuff as soon as possible and block him. Does he have a friend or family member who could collect it?
You have ended the relationship. Thats it.
As for you not giving him locations etc that was very controlling and he’s still doing it now.
Therapy speak drives me nuts as well.
You need to be really strong here OP because you’ve ended the relationship and he’s continuing to abuse you.
As for the invoice that’s laughable. He’s absolutely not right in the head.
Grey rock is the ONLY thing that works.

He’s still trying to control and manipulate you so don’t let him.

You owe him nothing for DIY he’s a CF. Tell him he has until X date to collect his belongs then block. If he’s not collected by that date, bin the lot of it and don’t give him a penny

Blockety block, and then brace for impact because recovering from a toxic relationship is hard; professionals say it releases the same chemicals as drug withdrawal – your brain will try to trick you into wanting the good stuff, the few nice things that he offered you; don't fall for it. Write down all the shit stuff he did and said on post-its, put them around the house, on your mirror, write them in your phone.

It's not the silent treatment or manipulative, you've ended the relationship.

He's being manipulative by refusing to accept your boundary.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and reality check. As much as I try to see things clearly, I think I'm still a bit brainwashed, so can't tell if I'm doing the right thing sometimes. Have to keep reminding myself that I'm my own first priority and need to focus on myself in this situation, not him.

I've also not experienced something like this before, ie the not wanting to accept a breakup, so it's very surreal and gaslighty where he keeps acting like he forgot we have 100% broken up.

I'm going to drum up the courage this afternoon to inform him of the collection and delivery details and once that's all sorted I will block him.

Re the invoice, I will take your advice and ignore. It's not that I don't value what he did for me, but he is being so ridiculous with it, that I don't feel like a discussion or giving him something out of decency is possible here.

Thank you all for reading and your support. Mumsnet has been really helpful the last few weeks

This.

He is also doing the classic "dumb person's version of a smart person" with all his pathetic misused terminology. It would be actually funny, as in an Austen's character (Mr. Collins, anyone?), if it wasn't so outrageous.

Block him. Or a better one: ghost him 😉