Why am I being made to feel guilty

[HiBear]

DH and I are basically not speaking for the last few days apart from very minimal exchanges - how was your day, fine - can you put the oven on, etc.

I am feeling really upset and angry with DH as I have been putting up with his mother since we met but she ramped up her antics when DS (22 months) was born. Apart from constantly undermining me, not giving him back to me when he needed to be fed when smaller, calling me milk machine and not mother, letting herself into the house, using her hand to shoo me away from my son when in her company as she sees it as ‘grandma time’ I could go on for days. Anyway DH has always just told me to ignore it and get on with it. She crossed the line on the weekend when she tried giving him food with cheese in it and argued with me when I said he couldn’t eat it (DS has gastrointestinal issues which he’s having a procedure for next week and the gastroenterologist and the dietitian have said no dairy for 8 weeks as it could be causing the issues). She “isn’t convinced” that the doctors know what’s wrong with him. He also has glasses and she doesn’t believe he needs them. My DH is so under her thumb that he starts having doubts and when I say we should listen to the doctors he makes me seem like I’m wrong and says we should be sceptical and if I argue what the doctors have said he says I’m disregarding his opinion as the other parent. Am I? I just trust that these specialists know better than us what’s going on - why would he be prescribed glasses for no reason!?!!

Anyway, after I nipped the dairy issue in the bud my DH and I had yet another argument about MIL. He says I should just let everything go and go to counselling. He sees it as more of a “me problem” than a problem where his MIL is negatively impacting my mental health.

I feel like I’ve put up with a lot and I’m so angry that DH doesn’t see it and now he’s acting like he’s upset with me. What do I do? I feel really trapped and awful right now.

Tell your DH that if he carries on like this you will take your DC and he can argue the toss about going against medical advice in court. Your MIL has had her chance to be a parent. Now you’re the parent and her attitude is very much a ‘her’ problem. Your DH’s attitude is a ‘him’ problem. You are not trapped.

Please don't doubt yourself, listen to the doctors. It's difficult when they are ganging up on you. He is not on your side, he is siding with her even if that is to the detriment if your son.
A man so enmeshed with his mother will not change. Give him an ultimatum and in the meantime prepare yourself to leave

How far can you back away, up to but including divorce? Ignore messages, have other appointments when she wants to come over, absolutely no buying presents on his behalf etc. And he should be attending medical appointments too/instead, he'll be too cowardly to argue with a doctor.

Basically your MiL was and is willing to put your DS's health and welfare at risk for her own selfish ends. And your DH is aiding and abetting her.
You must have a discussion about the necessity of putting his child as his priority and the necessity for him to show a united front with you as regards parenting. And if he can't see the importance of this and the need you will have to think seriously about ending the marriage.
And I would be making sure the doors were bolted or deadlocked so she can't let herself into the house, or change the locks. And trying generally to keep her at as much distance as possible.

Stare him in the face and ask to see his and mil's medical qualification certificate .. I would speak to your Dr. You need it written down dh isn't supportive of your dc's medical issues... If ever you split and dh can deny ds appointment you need back up..
And tell him you feel unable to have any sort of intimacy with his cord still attached...

Does she live with you?

@HiBear what do you mean, she let herself in??? does she have a key to your house?????? who in their right mind gave her a key? why would she need one if you are in the house?? get the back right away or change the locks! your dh needs to understand that you and him are the parents, not his mother! she does not get to make the rules regarding your child!

Your DH wants an easy life which means capitulating to his mother. He's your husband and should have your back but unfortunately that's not the case.

As such you need to take control of the situation as he won't. That means sticking up for yourself and your baby.

Don't get into arguments and debates, just be clear. If your MIL wants to see her grandchild, she'll knuckle down.

If your husband complains tell him that you asked him to sort it out and he didn't so this is how it's going to be.

Thanks for the responses and assuring me it is not in fact a “me problem”.

@Bloompetal she doesn’t live with us but they live ten mins away.
@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld they were given a key for emergencies which they started to abuse when DS came along. When DH asked if they could let us know if they were coming after she had gone into our bedroom while we were away and taken our laundry, she lied and said they always asked us before they were coming. Since then she hasn’t used the key however there have been days where I’ve come downstairs and PIL are in the garden ‘just watering the plants, or just dropping something off’ but then expecting to see DS.

I really don’t want to end my marriage over this and want to try and make it work. I still love my DH but at the same time I’m incredibly hurt and frustrated by all of this. It’s like I’m banging my head against the wall because he really can’t see the issues and tries to give her the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for her. The odd time he will try to push back and she shuts him down like she does to anyone else who dares challenge her. My family live overseas and if it did end up in divorce I would want to move home as I have nobody here but I don’t know how possible that would be, it would get very messy and it would mean MIL would be getting unsupervised access to DS (which I’ve decided I’m not allowing since she has started disregarding medical advice).

She’s currently being fake nice to me now and sent over dinner and flowers after it got a bit heated over the dairy. She also keeps asking if I need “help” or some company now as my DH has taken a new job and I’m “home alone”. I’ve been wfh for the last 5 years and never had these offers of “help” or some company before - when I was pregnant they never called in. She has said numerous times that she can take DS to our playgroups while I get on with housework. I’ve explained to her that I enjoy going and it’s my social outlet but she asks again and again. They also put old car seats they got off a stranger on marketplace so I wouldn’t be letting DS in their car anyway (when I tried to explain the importance of having an up to date car seat I was shut down and told that was just marketing).

Her agenda is purely to see DS everyday because she has an unhealthy obsession with him. DH thinks I’m completely wrong about this and there’s nothing wrong with grandparents wanting to spend more time with their grandchildren and she’s just being nice.

Forgot to add they already see him at least once a week if not twice a week. We go over on the same day every week and then there’s often a day on the weekend we see them. Apparently this isn’t enough for them. I think it’s actually far too generous considering how she behaves

Have a read of Boundaries With In-laws by Cloud & Townsend and Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

Your DH apparently wants an easy life. If he goes against his mother, she makes a big fuss. You could try making a bigger fuss than she does, so that he "picks" you over her. But I'd probably suggest marriage counselling instead.

@Oneflightdown thank you I’ll take a look. I think marriage counselling may be the only way forward as surely a third party could recognise what’s going on and he clearly doesn’t listen to or believe me. I also think he needs therapy because of how conditioned he has been by her but he thinks he’s perfectly fine but I’m someone who needs therapy because I get upset by this…

@HiBear I get you. wore that tee shirt! my mil used to come at 3.30pm every week day then go for her husband who finished at then came back with him!! my baby was a week old when it started! i began going over to town and deliberately getting the later bus home. or putting the lights out and pretending we were not in. the crux ca!me when i walked round the corner with baby in a sling and they were just going to get back into their car when fil spotted me! they both practically ran along to me and fil tried to take baby out my arms!! I swung away and told him baby was strapped in. the said cheerio and walked back to their car knowing I was angry. they spoke to dh who said well, to be honest you are coming along every evening and it is not fair to me! all the random visiting stopped! we were the only ones who had stayed in the village/ they had missed babyhood of their other grandchildren. the rest of the sons were scattered to the wind. that was not my look out though!! ps I would never give them a key to my home!! I would definitely change the locks. tell dh that you lost your keys

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld wow that sounds intense I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I feel like a deer in headlights a lot of the time but now I’m just filled with anger and I have to be firm and stand up to her (and FIL who is seemingly afraid of her).
Im glad your DH was able to diffuse the situation and that they did listen in the end. It’s crazy to me how some people think that is acceptable behaviour and they have some sort of ownership over the child. This is the thing, surely if my DH said something it wouldn’t escalate to the point it has done now, but anyway I have to accept he never will, he’s too far gone!

Absolutely - if you back down you will potentially be held responsible for medical neglect of your child because of the pressure you are under from your MIL and husband. Speak to your GP and have this put on record. This is just unbelievable interference from your MIL. Tell them both in no uncertain terms that you will be following medical advice.

My MIL tried to interfere with my parenting -

Told me my newborn didn’t need a car seat and could sit on her knee. My FIL shouted at me in the car and told me not to be such a silly girl. I was 27!

Told me my newborn should eat peanuts because her babies did.

Informed me I wouldn’t be able to produce milk because I’d had a C-section and then told me I shouldn’t breastfeed for more than 6 weeks (I ignored this and breastfed for 18 months)

Said she was bringing 6 bottles and some formula to the hospital - my husband told her very firmly NOT to do this.

Demanded that I let my newborn “roll around the floor with the family dog to get used to dogs”

Told me not to expect her to babysit like I would ever have considered it!

You have to nip this in the bud and you are not the one needing therapy here. Your DH needs to cut the apron strings.

@ThatRosieProbert yeah it’s definitely nonnegotiable regarding the medical issues I’m just so shocked that DH is behaving like this. It’s hard enough dealing with your child’s other half without your husband and mil casting doubts and challenging what the professional advice and diagnosis is.

Sounds awful, so pushy!!! How did things turn out with your PIL? Did your DH support you?

My DH and I had a massive argument this evening and he basically said I’m unhinged and that his parents are trying to help, there is no agenda and what I’m saying about the situation is disgusting. He thinks they are just trying to help and being nice… I don’t know what to do I’m questioning everything

It’s hard to stand firm without your husbands help. Ask him why he thinks it’s appropriate to go against medical advice? Once / twice a week is plenty , does she make unannounced visits more frequently?

@Farmwifefarmlife DS is likely autistic so he thinks some of his issues are linked so like toileting could be more of a sensory issue etc. I understand asking questions and exploring options but the doctors have all of DS information including the autism and I’m sure they factor everything in. He ultimately agrees that we should proceed with the recommendations made by doctors but then it seems after we’ve seen mil and she casts doubts he becomes conflicted and it causes rows sometimes.

The unannounced visits were worse at the beginning, then seemed to stop for some time but more recently a few times I’ve come downstairs in my pjs and mil is in the garden. She leaves quickly after but it just unsettles me as I like to know when people are coming and it feels like an invasion of privacy.

Change the locks. It’s unacceptable for your MIL to let herself into your house.
Then, if your DH wn’t tell his mother she is endangering your DS’s health, you’ll have to bite the bullet. It may be a little late, but you have to work out some ground rules. If your DH won’t back you up tell him you will have to re-evaluate your relationship.

Change the locks and give a spare key to a friend, not your MIL. That’s what we’ve done as mine couldn’t be trusted. Emergencies or not. Just say you lost your keys one day and needed to get an emergency locksmith out. If he starts talking about giving the new key to his parents just brush it off and say you’ve already given it to X friend.

Do you know why he is so under the thumb with his mum? Is he an only child? How was he treated as a child? Lots to unpack with a relationship like this in my option. Not from your side but from his.

there is no doubt that she is an overbearing nightmare who needs to be shut down. Just retreat and stop engaging in messages etc. or, if you’re up to it - just have a really frank conversation with her about how much she oversteps the mark and that it needs to stop. Sounds like there will be no love lost anyway. Although appreciate it doesn’t solve the issue with your husband. But his manipulative ‘it’s a you problem’ chat needs to be nipped in the bud pronto. What a joke