TOXIC SIL what to do?

[RIRO30]

Hi! I’ll try keep it short
Been with partner 9 years. Newborn twins
On & off relationship with SIL
She is narcissistic rude jealous horrible bitchy two faced person
Over the years has caused many issues for me and upset me plenty of times with name calling, sarcastic comments etc

Stopped speaking to her one year ago as she ruined my partners birthday party I organised and ended up calling me a rude name.
i fell pregnant
my whole pregnancy she totally ignored me whenever we was in same house/event
at my own gender reveal she didn’t even congratulate me and was rude to my mum & sister
the list is on going

Anyway she acts to my partner like nothing has happened and she wants to meet the babies ?!
My partner bought it up to her that she had to message me. She messaged me saying she hopes we can be civil for kids sake. I replied saying I’m not ready yet and listed a few things she done towards me that upset me. This resulted in her kicking off, me & my partner was just hoping she would say sorry or at least talk about it so we can move on for kids sake

ANYWAY, where the hell do I go from here? I’ve cut her off completely and I’m happy with that but does she deserve to see my children?
She’s basically asked my partner to bring them round to hers to meet them. My partner only speaks to her so no conflict in his family. Would you be comfortable with her around your kids?!
She’s messaged him saying ‘remember I’m your sister’

She doesn't sound very nice but when she tried to move on you decided to send her a list of her past misdeeds instead.
You are under no obligation to have anything to do with her but if your Partner wants to then you shouldn't interfere with that and IF he wants to see her and take the children with him he has every right to.
I have been NC with some of DH's family before but I never told him what he could or couldn't do and as long as I was confident that the DC wouldn't be emotionally harmed by it (and babies won't be) I had no issue with him taking them to visit with him.
What will probably happen is that your partner won't be arsed to but will blame you instead of having the balls to stand up to his sister

@RIRO30 it's a big step and of course you'll be out of your comfort zone. I think in your shoes I would stress that it's your partner's responsibility to keep her away from you and your children. If she approaches I would just move away, not confront, just take the children without comment and go speak to someone else. Your partner can tell her not to put you in this awkward position because you won't be engaging with her and nor will your children

I totally understand what you’re saying. I’m not telling my partner ‘no’ he just completely knows how she makes me feel so he won’t even ask really! But I have such a good heart that I wouldn’t ever want him to feel awkward with his own sister and have to say no you’re not meeting the kids.
But at the same time if she completely ignored me my whole pregnancy, never asked how I was or the babies, at events she would continue with the sarcastic comments & dirty looks, why now the babies are here she can see them?? Or act interested in our lives. It’s like she didn’t give a toss when I was growing these babies.

He tells her that when she apologises to you she can meet the twins.

So give him your blessing to take the babies to visit then.
As long as its practical for him to do so without you of course.
SIL has been a cow TO YOU and while thats not right your babies are actual people too and as long as she treats them well there is no reason for her not to have a relationship with them.
Might do everyone some good

i get what you’re saying
But if she continues to treat me like shit, is it still okay for her to see my babies?
Like others had said above, it is like rewarding her bad behaviour towards me by letting her in their lives but her continuing to treat me bad
So if I go to a family event, I’ll receive dirty looks from her, but she can happily run around after my twins? Hmmmmm I dunno!!

OP

Re your comment
"But I have such a good heart that I wouldn’t ever want him to feel awkward with his own sister and have to say no you’re not meeting the kids".

You're going to have to get over this in regards to your partner's sister because she will indeed use your good heart here against you. She sees you as a soft touch and your partner is himself mired in fear, obligation and guilt. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; consider what roles your partner is playing here too. What if anything do you know about his childhood and what are his parents like?.

His primary loyalty is now to you or it should be, not his sister. He is key here and he cannot afford to take a step back and wish that everyone would get along so he does not have to do anything. His inertia too when it comes to his family unit hurts him as much as you.

If a person, let alone a relative, is too difficult, toxic or otherwise batshit for you to deal with it is the SAME deal for the kids too. Keep them well away from his sister. He knows all too well what she is like and seems happy to tow the party line. What also happens is that harm to the kids can happen right in front of his very eyes from the likes of her; a look, a pinch etc. She will drip poison about you into their ears.

I get it but what is best for your children?
You talk about rewarding her bad behaviour but what you are doing is punishing her for not liking you.
You are being quite transactional here - you have something she wants so she has to do what YOU want before she can get it
When we become parents we have to put our DC first and unless you believe a relationship with this woman is not in their best interests then you should allow (but not facilitate) it.
And as for someone else running around after twins at a family event while you chill out? Sounds great

Thank you for your thoughts and advice I do need to truly think about what is best as we are family/connected forever now.
I really am stuck on the fact that if she cared so much about the twins/ having a relationship with them once born, then at least during my pregnancy she would have acted decent towards me..
So it makes me think she doesn’t give a damn at all if she could treat me that way knowing they’ll be born soon

It was only a week before I gave birth that at a friends child’s party we both attended, she was storming around the place searching for her lost phone, she came behind me and push past me so much that my hand bag on my shoulder went swinging (Obviously this was done on purpose), and then she said a massive sarcastic comment to me in front of others I was talking to who I haven’t seen in a while. This was literally 1 week before the babies arrived! I was really hoping at that event she would act civil but no

OP

I think his sister would have acted the same regardless of who he got together with. She is punishing you for not towing the party line and bowing down to her at every opportunity.

Ask yourself would you tolerate this from a friend?. No and the fact it's a relative makes no difference either. Toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. It is her actions towards you that has caused this situation to arise in the first place.

If she is too difficult, toxic etc for YOU to deal with it's the SAME deal for the kids too. Keep them well away from your sister. If your man was daft enough to take them over to see her without you then she further gets what she wants ie her own way and with you out of the picture to boot!. This would be a win for her.

Who knows what crap she could spout in front of her brother. After all he has grown up with her and regards this as normal.

Why is it in her children's interest to have a relationship with a toxic person like this?

Yes you are spot on. She treats so many people like this not just me. She doesn’t like anyone, especially her siblings partners. Her half brother & partner have not spoken to her for so long. I’ve had enough. My mum and sister have also had enough seeing the way she treats me as of course I always go back to vent to them

She wouldnt be getting anywhere near my babies. If you cant respect the mum and are openly horrible to her then no she doesnt get to be around the most precious things in your world. She probably doesnt really care about the babies either otherwise she wouldve tried harder before now, she only wants to meet them to say she has.

I always remember this saying, "having a title (eg aunt) doesn't mean you're entitled to a relationship."

Your children and husband will not benefit from a relationship with this woman and may actually have a negative effect on them.

I'm curious has nobody in her family like her parents ever pulled her up on her behaviour?

It sounds like she's not speaking to half of them.

She may just not like OP
I also say that IF OP thinks that it it not in the childrens best interest then that is a different thing to punishing her SIL by not allowing her to see the babies.

One of my biggest regrets looking back on my marriage is that I put up with this crap from my ex-husband's family. A friend at the time gave me the best advice (that I ignored) which is, NEVER put up with crap from family that you wouldn't take from a friend. If a friend spoke to you like that, I'm guessing you wouldn't be friends with them? You have no obligation to see this toxic woman at all. He will probably cave and expect her to visit your house, but that should be a hard "No." If your husband thinks she deserves to see her nieces/nephews then he can take them over there, but I wouldn't leave my kids alone with someone as unstable as that. She sounds like a loon.

You don't need to do anything. If she wants to see the kids, she can come to your house when you are there and she can apologise.
You aren't 'stopping her from seeing the kids', she apologies and can come to yours. You are happy for her to see your kids once she apologises. Don't fall into the trap of your DP taking the kids to hers.
They are your kids, you don't need to be blackmailed by her. It's easy, she sees the kids on your time, in your home when it suits you once she apologises.

It doesn't matter whether she likes the OP or not.

If you are not a toxic person and you want a healthy, respectful relationship with your nieces and nephews, you are civil towards their parents and you keep your opinions about them to yourself.

I understand your worry at being at a family event away from home in case she asks you if she can hold them…..or goes to pick a baby up. But if she has a poor reputation with other family members and they know of your concerns, they will probably support you.

If she does come to you to ask, I think you could just intervene and say a firm ‘no I don’t think so, thank you’. If she asks why not you could say ‘they just need some quiet time right now’ and then just carry on as normal as if she weren’t there. Any normal person would get the message.
If she kicks up a fuss, you could just say ‘No SIL, the babies and I come as a unit for now so if you want a relationship with them, you have to come through me first and that means showing me I can trust you and I can’t do that because as predicted you are making a fuss instead of behaving decently and we don’t want that around our children.

Talk about your fear with your DH and agree what will be said and what action to take beforehand. You have gone on to describe some very toxic behaviour from her and while you shouldn’t stop going and enjoying family events, you and your DH must be on the same page about the babies not being passed to her without your clear permission.

Set this very firm boundary while the babies are still tiny, when it simply can’t be argued with. She can’t have access to your twins unless she changes her attitude and consistently behaves decently toward you, their mother and protector.

Nope nope nope no bloody way. You do mot get to disrespect the mother and have access to the children. I know this post is a little old now, but going through something similar. Finally went NC with horrible SIL after years of putting up with her passive aggressive comments and disrespect. She went one step 2 far last yesr, but she still believes she has some sort oh hod given right to my children 🙄 No she does not. You treat me poorly, then you have proven to me that you have it in you to treat my loved ones poorly. So no. And this will not be on you, it will be on her and her poor behaviour 🥰 She wants to be “civil for the kids sake” you can “keep them away from her for the kids sake” She will only ever bring you more hurt.

Go to the first family event but leave the babies with your mum .

So why hasn't your DH confronted his sister and very clearly told her "remember, she is my wife. If you love me and value our relationship then you need to make an effort to get along with her because my wife is my priority."

If it is clear that the SIL has a problem with you and is always being rude/starting stuff, then you have DH problem as well if he hasn't tried to address it with his DS.

And no, I wouldn't let her have any access to my children. Disliking each other but still being civil in each other's company would be one thing...but someone who can't contain their rude behaviour and comments about you wouldn't be able to refrain from it in front of your kids either, so she wouldn't get to be around them period.