NC for this, a slightly odd one.
Two and a half years ago I went on holiday, alone, as I had been widowed 18 months earlier (DH died four and a half years ago). I was still grieving deeply but wanted to try to move forward and try to rebuild my life, including travel which DH and I both loved.
There were some lovely people on the holiday and I have stayed in touch with some of them, including a gay male couple and a woman who had been widowed at the same time as I had. She and I appeared to have lots in common but mainly that we had both suffered an earth shattering loss. After the holiday was over the four of us kept in touch and have been going to the West End theatre with lunch before, typically about 3-4 times a year. The first year I really enjoyed them and our mutual friendship appeared to grow.
About 14 months after the original holiday, the mutual widow friend and I went on holiday together, which seemed a good idea at the time, as we felt that we had a lot in common, would be company for each other etc. However, whilst not exactly a disaster, we found upon closer acquaintance that we did not really get on and had very little in common, apart from losing our DHs at the same time. We didn't have an argument as such, but there were serious tensions by the end of the holiday and, but for the friendship group, I have no doubt that we would not have met up again. We agreed at the end of the holiday that we would remain in the friendship group, which we both valued.
So we have carried on meeting and it has all been fine on the surface, and I doubt the male couple suspect anything is wrong as they keep suggesting new events, which are so far in advance and multiple dates offered, that it is hard to find a reason not to go. And I do enjoy it to an extent, but there is the underlying tension which means I don't really relax and part of me is apprehensive. It is also a lot of money to spend on West End ticket, fares, lunch etc as well as the time spent travelling.
The other factor is that I am in a new relationship and I would like him to join us if I go to any more of these events. It feels normal for him to meet my friends, and I would like to share the experience with him and travel with him to London etc. But it has not been suggested by any of the rest of the group and I don't feel that I can suggest it, as I feel that it could make for an awkward situation in that we would be five instead of four ie two couples and a single. I don't want to cause any hurt or make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I hasten to add that I am absolutely not one to drop valued friendships or ignore them because I have formed a new relationship, and I have lots of friends I see independently.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling and if I am not expressing myself very well, but I seem to have lost perspective and would be grateful for any independent views, as I am not sure what to do.
Thank you for listening!