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Original poster

Do you lose something of yourself in a relationship

17 replies

Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 16:06

I was married for 30 years until DH died.

I'd have said he was a good man and we had a good life together, but after the initial awful bereavement, when I finally got to a place where I could start getting myself together and building a new life for myself, I really enjoyed being single and realised that actually during my marriage I'd been a shadow of myself.

It wasn't DH's fault or anything he did or asked of me, but I let some of my interests slide because he wasn't interested, I'm an introvert so it was easier to let DH speak for me in many situations, I was a bit helpless and let him do things for me.

Over 4 years alone I feel I've really blossomed into a strong independent woman who lives her best life full of hobbies and friends, because I had to iyswim.

I am now tentatively dating again and have been seeing one man for a few weeks. I can already see that I'm starting to defer to him and prioritise the things he likes to do, let him do the talking when we're out.

Again it's not his fault, but I don't like it and not sure how to make it stop...

OP posts:
WakingUpToReality · 02/04/2025 16:09

The older I get the more I wonder if relationships with men are actually beneficial to women, for the most part. Our culture sells it to us though.

MrsCastle · 02/04/2025 16:13

Look up TA101 - it’s a two day course that helps you tackle just this!

you sound like you have good awareness of what’s going on and what you’d like to change

Original poster
Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 16:33

MrsCastle · 02/04/2025 16:13

Look up TA101 - it’s a two day course that helps you tackle just this!

you sound like you have good awareness of what’s going on and what you’d like to change

Oh interesting, thank you

OP posts:
AzurePanda · 02/04/2025 16:37

Do you have children OP?

Original poster
Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 16:40

AzurePanda · 02/04/2025 16:37

Do you have children OP?

Adults now, why?

OP posts:
PoppyBaxter · 02/04/2025 16:51

I've been with DH for 20 years, since I was 41, and I can safely say I'm 100% 'me' in our relationship.

I pursue my own hobbies and interests, as does he. I'll be off hiking on my own this weekend and he'll be playing computer games.

I can be as weird, or vulnerable as I like. I can tell him anything.

I've done things that really matter to me, and that I'd feel I'd missed out on if I hadn't, such as worked overseas.

I have a full personality which is in no way diminished by being in a relationship.

How to avoid becoming a shadow? Perhaps some people are just built that way?

Original poster
Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 16:56

PoppyBaxter · 02/04/2025 16:51

I've been with DH for 20 years, since I was 41, and I can safely say I'm 100% 'me' in our relationship.

I pursue my own hobbies and interests, as does he. I'll be off hiking on my own this weekend and he'll be playing computer games.

I can be as weird, or vulnerable as I like. I can tell him anything.

I've done things that really matter to me, and that I'd feel I'd missed out on if I hadn't, such as worked overseas.

I have a full personality which is in no way diminished by being in a relationship.

How to avoid becoming a shadow? Perhaps some people are just built that way?

Yes, I would have said the same. We did have seperate hobbies and friends, but the things we did together I seem to have deferred to his peferences and I can see I'm doing it again.

OP posts:
PoppyBaxter · 02/04/2025 17:09

Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 16:56

Yes, I would have said the same. We did have seperate hobbies and friends, but the things we did together I seem to have deferred to his peferences and I can see I'm doing it again.

Show quote history

Could you do something for him one weekend, and something for you the next?

Original poster
Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 17:40

It's more subtle than that. E.g. DH didn't like sport, so I would watch a film with him instead. I enjoyed the films but I've realised I used to be really interested in sport, but have practically no recent sporting knowledge.

Obviously if it was really important to me, I'd have done it seperately to him, but I did also enjoy doing things together and there are only so many hours in the week.

OP posts:
Shritie · 02/04/2025 18:01

Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 16:56

Yes, I would have said the same. We did have seperate hobbies and friends, but the things we did together I seem to have deferred to his peferences and I can see I'm doing it again.

Show quote history

Is this what you learnt from your own parents? That’s how most of our habits and behaviours are formed. A lot of women do this because they saw their mothers doing it. It was observed as the norm. It’s a hard habit to break.

It is possible that this man is not the right one for you either.

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/04/2025 18:06

A lot of my friends got subsumed by parenting. DH and I had a more equal partner ship and I still kept a sense of myself. We have been together close to 30 years. Other women were the worst for judging me , I went on holiday, which included an overseas wedding as part of the main party without my children for 2 weeks and left him home with them. My sister was scathing about that.

Original poster
Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 18:07

Shritie · 02/04/2025 18:01

Is this what you learnt from your own parents? That’s how most of our habits and behaviours are formed. A lot of women do this because they saw their mothers doing it. It was observed as the norm. It’s a hard habit to break.

It is possible that this man is not the right one for you either.

Show quote history

Yes, possibly, my mum spent a lot of time watching and going to sport and I was never sure how interested she really was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 18:08

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/04/2025 18:06

A lot of my friends got subsumed by parenting. DH and I had a more equal partner ship and I still kept a sense of myself. We have been together close to 30 years. Other women were the worst for judging me , I went on holiday, which included an overseas wedding as part of the main party without my children for 2 weeks and left him home with them. My sister was scathing about that.

Actually I often went away without DH. It was when we were together I deferred to him.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2025 18:12

Sounds like a you problem. Was your DM like this?

crackofdoom · 02/04/2025 18:14

Shritie · 02/04/2025 18:01

Is this what you learnt from your own parents? That’s how most of our habits and behaviours are formed. A lot of women do this because they saw their mothers doing it. It was observed as the norm. It’s a hard habit to break.

It is possible that this man is not the right one for you either.

Show quote history

I can relate to that. A more ardent feminist you would not find, but I find it all too easy to slip into pandering/ deferring/"frozen" mode. Just like my mum, who is a shell of herself after decades of living with my domineering, emotionally abusive dad. It's a shock to discover that some things are so ingrained that you can't shift them.

Original poster
Cardhouse · 02/04/2025 18:15

Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2025 18:12

Sounds like a you problem. Was your DM like this?

Yes, I acknowledge it's me not anything the men cause or demand of me.

OP posts:
Resilience · 02/04/2025 18:19

I think it takes real effort to make sure this doesn’t happen TBH. I think the women who manage to not let this happen or who actually set the preferences themselves are very much a minority. It’s symptomatic of living in what is still a largely patriarchal society. From birth females receive social messaging about putting others first. Even where girls are raised to reject this they are still subjected to that messaging in wider society. The minority is sizeable and growing but it is still definitely a minority.

It can be overcome but requires hyper vigilance if it doesn’t come naturally. I was single for years and consciously practice this now. It’s got way easier but it’s still a conscious effort. Like you, my DH in no way expects to direct things and would acquiesce to my wishes in a heartbeat but because I’m a fairly laidback character who tends to roll with things unless I don’t want to or there’s something I’d rather do instead by a good margin, it’s easy to find yourself just going with the flow.

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