Boyfriends son refuses to go to school at 16 now he takes him in

[Charlie12023]

This is a tricky one as I dont have children so I have come on here, hope you dont mind to get answers, as Im a little bit lost in terms of what is right, wrong related to school and I guess what is the right thing to do! Im feeling its constantly making me one edge/anxious.

I have been with my partner a while now, he is in his early 50s,, his son is 16, daughter is 23 from his ex. Now the daugher is independent, has her own job, doing well etc and no problem and a lovely soul! His son, lovely too, just refuses with extreme panic attacks doesnt go to school at all since last year, he was being sick in the mornings, suffered extreme panic and was told he was being bullied, we later found out there were around 2/3 guys saying things to him to which prevented him going into school, since then his mum has been home schooling him and he appears to be doing well. He needs maths and English to get into his college for the work he needs to do otherwise he will need to re sit them whilst at college we are told or hate to say get a job! The course at college is 2 years.

My partner gets a lot of abuse from his ex, she was demanding more money for private tuition but still pays her the max for child maintenance she still tries to this day to control him with money/son etc, she has been asked to take her son into school because exams are coming up and he was asked to speak to teachers today but had a full on crying fit and told her to go home to which she did. She then called my partner and he is now taking him in, in about an hour's time to see if he can take him to school to speak to the teachers.

He appears to be the only one to take him in, the only problem is, he may need to do this for the weeks he is taking exams so that he actually goes in otherwise he wont go in with him mum or on his own at all which is what has been happening for a year or two now. We live an hour away and his ex lives about 20mins from his school so my partner will need to pick him up, leave here at around 7am every morning to take him in so that he really does goes in everyday until exams finish otherwise we know he wont go in!

So my worry is how come nobody has really looked into this, ie counselling/therapy or sorted out it, his son said he would look into it and we have private therapy which is with my partner's work, free of charge too and she has got away with doing nothing about it, he cant and wont get up past 11am every morning now and home schools in the afternoon, her partner home schools his son, he has 5 kids from his ex and 2 live in their house with my partners ex, ( a lot going on I know lol) it just feels so stressful, I feel I have no answers myself and its at times breaking up to the point of constant stress! I am thinking now is it best to just not say a word or get involved? Without the kids stress as its all related to his family we end up rowing!!

The son stays with us every other weekend from Friday to Sunday, to which I tell my partner to do things with his son, yet he never goes to school or does anything he just always puts him on this pedestal and for me its like what do I do, he just lazes around at my house too, my partner moved in to mine and we have made his room lovely, but there is this anger/resentment in me which i never show/say but its come to me just doing my own thing now, like running with friends, going out with family/friends, shopping and its making me feel so much happier/calmer. My partner cant rate his son enough, thinks he is amazing, loves him so much and goes on about him and says he never wants to let him down or never be there for him which is understandable and I get it, but o i end up getting into this drama i cant find a solution. My partner is constantly trying to be the good dad and fix his son to which I am feeling now its been going on years its just the same?? he still wont go into school and has on many occasions never wanted to see his dad or the ex has done or said something to try and get his son to do something against his dad's will, its just a mess but I am only wanting to get involved with my partner when we have lovely weekends together, the minute drama appears I am not saying anything, not too sure if this is the best way as I dont want to break up per se.

any thoughts or is it best for me to say nothing, or just mention how its affecting me, when i did it kind of resulted in a full on argument :(

My partner is trying to keep both of us happy and he spoils me and really looks after me and the house,dog life, his job is amazing but this issue with his ex/son is kind of grating on me for a while, im hoping when he goes to college it may change, anyone else been through this?

I think your partner absolutely should take his son into school for the exams if he is the one who is able to do it, even if it does inconvenience him. It's his son and it's important plus it's not for long.

The rest of your post seemed quite complicated but the upshot is that it will always be complicated having a relationship with someone with children and probably more so when you don't have them yourself.

The complications won't go away, they may get resolved and new ones will no doubt arise.

You just have to decide if you are prepared for this long term because parenting lasts a lifetime and it definitely sounds like this young lad will need support for a few years to come before he can function independently.

Thank you for responding means a lot and yes I am starting to think is this the kind of lifestyle but he is not with him constantly and it is making me address a few things myself to become more independent perhaps which may make things for me easier, just trying to find a better solution but like you say its ongoing for the future!

That's a very long post, but the upshot is he has a very fragile son and it's absolutely correct that he's doing whatever is necessary to support him and his mother at this time.

Yes, definitely live your own life and maintain boundaries so that you don't get too sucked into the problems around your partner's son.

It's his son and it's for him to sort out.

What do you mean by your partner pays the max maintenance? There is no max.
If your partner taking him to school is the only way he will go then that's what they need to do. I had to physically take my son to school for his exams, and then to college for a year after that. It was annoying, but had to be done.

So he pays the most he can based on his salary, so she gets quite a large sum but thats not the issue its more the issue with how his son is doing and the impact with the ex too who cant handle him at home and the only person who can is my partner which works and then he goes to school so I think he will just need to take him daily and that way he passes his exams, I think he has no respect for his mum.

Ime things can change massively for the better once they're in college.

This is only for a few months. Step back, make your own plans, ride it out.

I don't understand what the issue is with him taking his son to school? How does this affect you? There is no magic therapy machine that fixes kids with mental health struggles. Even when people can get access anyway, as there are huge backlogs on nhs. If he is 16, surely exams are in the next couple of months anyway?

With respect OP you clearly have no idea of school based anxiety and the horror that is trying to get any form of CAmHs support

it may change at college it may not and to be honest school refusal can be brutal on a couple when they are both parents.

your partners priority is his son and getting him through exams

When you say private therapy is that for his son?

I think he needs support to overcome his anxiety rather than being forced into things. Yes his education is important, but it sounds like he's really struggling and if this were my child I'd be working with the therapist to see what is best for him rather than all freaking out about who forces him into school.

My daughter has terrible anxiety and some days needs extra support. We are 1.5 years into the CAHMS wait list for an assessment and who knows how long after that to actually get support. We are paying for some therapy but as she won’t speak to anyone there’s limited options. So it’s our job to help her and it can be a significant amount of time. Your partner is doing the right thing for sure. It’s unlikely to resolve entirely after this stage but maybe he could move in with you? Or attend college somewhere nearer you at least so it’s not quite as much time going in circles.

So my worry is how come nobody has really looked into this, ie counselling/therapy or sorted out it,

That's a question for your boyfriend to ask himself.
Don't get involved in other people's parenting issues, no one will thank you for it and it's not your place.
Just enjoy dating the man and leave the drama and drudgery to him to sort.

Your boyfriend driving him in is a perfectly reasonable solution as son is co-operating.

Has your bf ever considered having his son live with him since son responds better to support from dad?

Mental health issues aren't easy to 'sort out' and children's mental health services are under a lot of pressure with very long waiting lists to even get an initial assessment. Chances are he would age out before he couid get an appointment.

I've dealt with school refusal, not complete but every day being on edge waiting to see if today they can be persuaded to go takes its toll. When my dc was 16, during the pandemic when schools did their own assessments and allocated GCSEs themselves, the summer term was full of internal assessments and tests. It felt like if any were missed, their chances of getting GCSEs were reduced.

So yes it was prioritised. If this boy's mother can't get him to go, of course his father should. When your child has a problem, you will do anything to try to fix it or support them. His son should be his priority (always, not just when things are tough).

I'm not entirely sure what your point is - I think you want more attention from your partner? You need to ride this out and back him up. Surely you don't need him to be focused on you all the time?

I understand. But in our case DC ended up with a decent set of GCSEs. If we'd left it to them, I'm not sure what wouid have happened, though I think they did realise this themselves and were far more likely to attend the test days than any actual lessons.

And actually it was impossible to 'force' them. Encourage and persuade, yes, but force, no. They were also offered therapy during this period but refused that mostly as well, though have since engaged much better.

the son is in a vulnerable place right now regarding education following bullying, and his dad is doing what he can to support him in getting an education. I can’t really see what is wrong with this? If dad is the one he needs to get through his exams, then that’s what dad does. It’s parenting.

If it's a case of feeling anxious about going in but fine once there it might make sense, but then if he's really anxious while there he might not be able to focus on exams anyway

He sounds like a great dad actually - don’t dis him for being a good parent !

If the dad is the only person the son feels able to get to school with then he should absolutely be taking him.

I don’t understand the therapy bit but it’s up to his dad to sort through his private insurance, not the son.

school avoidance is a huge issue and not easily resolved so both parents should be doing everything they can to get him there.

We live with school avoidance, which persists despite two types of therapy, medication, adjustments etc. It’s always better when DH takes DC in, maybe because there’s a different emotional relationship. Sometimes though nothing works.

Thank you everyone, i agree re his relationship with his dad, is so much better than his mum he has agreed to take his son in to all his exams and offer him private counselling too, he seems to agree to his dad's actions, which is nice to see in terms of respect and a good dad too! As for myself i will just support him re this and do my own thing which is a kind of happy medium!!

Yes but the son said no! We tried this last year he has just one month left re exams so he is happy to take him in as his school is 20mins from my partners work, which is helpful.

It’s not necessarily that it is better it is that it is more neutral and he can be the person who is less in the front line and can be calmer.
That is what he needs to be aware of
what you need to be aware of is how tough this. And be aware that it will have a lot of backward steps in this so will need support through it

It’s very common for teens not to want counselling. The ones who are “forced” often end up not talking or corporating with the therapist.

They will partly because they are sceptical of the adult claiming that they can help but also the requirement to be vulnerable and tell the truth isn’t appealing. They may also have fears that the therapist will snitch to the parents or feel shame that they aren’t the tough man that they wish to portray to the world.