Advice from a female perspective.

[KookyDeer]

Hi I'm 31 year old male baffled by life at the minute just after advice because I feel horrendously guilty about how I feel.

I've been with my partner for 15 years teenage love have 2 kids. She was a stay at home for 13 years and I worked. But she has always been for better term lazy the whole time and still is now with her part time job. I come home from work and have to do dinner everyday or will be a takeaway when I'm exhausted. Has no ambition for life to buy a home do fun activities with the kids. Sleeps till 11am all weekend. But recently I've been questioning if I really love her or is it a comfort thing. I keep have bouts of manic depression to top this off but always out a smile on for the kids sake. I question weather she really cares about me in 15 years there has been multiple times for fathers days birthdays Christmas where I don't even get a card or any form gift. Even my kids ask me when are we getting your birthday card.
I don't know why but I've been really on the deep about life I don't think I love her anymore but stay out of guilty as I bend over backwards to help anyone anytime. But is never given back. I have communicated to her about this saying WE need to do X Y Z so it doesn't feel like I'm attacking her. I keep breaking down in my car before I go home I don't actually no what is wrong with me. I just feel knowone ever cares or loves me the way I do for them. I keep catching her going through my phone as I've been a bit down and I think she thinks I am cheating which I whole heartedly not.

I think I am writing here cause I don't know why i feel guilty about wanting to leave and I am just looking for some advice.

P.S This isn't a sympathy post just confused on if my feelings are justified.

It sounds like you'd be better off without her. Would you have childcare etc sorted if you were to try and get custody. She'll probably play every card she can to keep the kids so that she can maintain her supported lifestyle. If you post was written by a women they would be no doubt what the responses would be but note MN often has double standards.

it sounds like the love has absolutely gone out of your relationship. You need to see if she seems willing (so far not!) to try and revive something. If not, then you need to make a decision for yourself.

If not you are too young to live this life. Your kids will not learn strong role models of parental loving relationships. It's no good for them either

Many years ago I got divorced. My DD was v young. But it felt LESS lonely being on my own and looking into a future without my ex than it did being with him!

I am now remarried with two lovely additional step children and with someone I can plan our future with and who loves me in return. He would never forget a birthday or mothers day, as I would never forget it for him

Your depression is a symptom of knowing your situation is not right for you.

You call her lazy but you admit you only work and cook/order take out. Who does all the cleaning, childcare, laundry, shopping? How many hours is her part-time job?

I can't see a problem with having a lie in at the weekend, providing she shares it equally if you are wanting one (eg she has Saturday, you have Sunday).

Why does she think you are cheating - are you on your phone constantly in the evenings?

EDIT - I bend over backwards to help anyone anytime
My ex did this, but actually he helped anyone just to avoid doing things at home. All show, pretending to be a family man.

Are you unmarried? Have you been paying into her pension for the years she was not in employment and part time to raise your kids?
Does she own the property? Hopefully she's made herself financially secure.

Break up if the relationship doesn't serve you, and sort out your contact time with your teenagers.

I was very vague i suppose didn't want to have a massive essay but yes i do majority of cleaning i go shopping everyweek either Friday evening or sunday and I do my own washing as she leaves mine out everytime she is doing it lol. And she works 3 days a week 4 hours a day 10 30am. School run is done by the nieces in the morning and afternoon. I do parents evening on my own.
As for the lay ins I get that but I never can do them just feels like a waste of the day but that's personal opinion I suppose.

Not im not on my phone loads I come engage with my kids watch t.v with my older son and take the dog for a walk.

The people I bend over backwards for is her family all the time.

FFS, you were the very first post and still had to throw in a 'if this was the other way around' post! It's not necessary on every bloody thread, and most of the time, they're completely incorrect anyway.

OP, she sounds like she could be depressed, but it's irrelevant, the love has gone. I think you need to ask her to move out, the kids should stay with you from the sounds of it.

Sounds like you are polar opposite in life where she is happy with how things are, while you strive for owning your own home, and you are taking most of the chores on. It seems she has gotten use to this set up a while ago. So may not see it, or has no reason to do things as she knows you will end up doing them.

Depression on her part? is that possible?
Then again, I know many that are depressed but still maintain the life.

Dreading going in and staying in your car is not good. Things need to change for sure. What would you like to happen but are too scared to take the initiative?
What is holding you back?

I think we are I've worked so hard for the last 15 years soon as I left school I was in full time work had my first son at 17 she was 19 I think it's damaged me a bit dont get me wrong I love my kids. I'm just tired of giving love and care and never receiving nothing with out sound desperate. She has been the same since 19 I suppose but never seen the warning signs and always give the benefit of the doubt thinking things will change.
I just think i have matured and are destined for different directions in life I suppose.
I think I am frightened of hurting my kids feeling guilty for leaving and abandoning them being lonely my social circle solely relies upon her family. I just feel so overwhelmed by the decisions but feel like I'm going to just snap and break. I also feel like I'm imagining it. I'm feel like I'm in survival mode at the minute.

Why you you be abandoning your kids? You would still parent them and they can choose where they live.
Does your girlfriend own the house?

Why would you leave your kids? I'd hope you'd at least want 50/50? She doesn't sound like she's able to cope with them.

I don't mean literally leave my kids just leaving the family home feels like abandoning them to me. I would obviously have my kids i am not the best and writing and wording things lol.

No sure you meant leaving your kids literally, do I understand you rightly that its a figure of speech, not that I am putting words in your mouth. Men typically feel they are abandoning their kids when they leave the nuclear family dynamics.

Having an almost 27 year old DS myself, and a 32 year old DD, and having been though a divorce, I can tell you that regardless of what you decide, its never an easy decision, and that is probably why you are finding things so hard. Possibly wondering if you are making a huge mistake, and things on those lines.

Being the sole provider, and holding this together for a long time will burn you out, it would do that with anyone, and if this was a female OP, I am sure posters on MN would advise to LTB. Its sad men dont get the same platform to voice their concerns and life altering decisions.

What does your outside support look like? Do you have family around to support you? Friends? Colleagues? Would you feel counselling would help you two finding a way to part on good terms? Talk things out with third party advise? Or has this been exercised?

What sort of dad would you think you would be if you decided to part ways? Seeing it sounds like you do the brunt of things now, do you think you would be able to do 50 50 together? Are there money worries? I am sure you have gone over this many times.

You know lazy uninvolved women do exist! Often related to depression, but there are relationships in which the man does everything, hard as it may be for some posters here to believe

I think if you're unhappy your better off separating. You can share the children, and get yourself a hobby to widen your spcial circle and build friendships. Settling down at 17 and having children and working full time sounds hard.

Did I say otherwise 🙄 I was asking for clarification, which the OP gave in another post. Instead of putting the boot into posters who are trying to help (and need more information to do so), it would be helpful to all concerned including the OP, if you just scroll past the thread. Thanks.

OP - based on your update I would have to agree with pp. I would suggest you talk to her about possible depression, but it sounds like you have both hit the end of your relationship. Joint counselling might be good to do as that could help with finding a way forward for all of you. Marital counselling isn't just for staying together, it's also about separating in an amicable way.

Oh god walk out you cannot spend your life with this sad sack dragging you down. Barely works, doesn't contribute around the house, drags you down, checks through your phone invading your privacy.

Clearly she has no respect for you or even herself.

There are plenty of people out there who want a happy life and will care about you. You don't need permission to leave if you're unhappy.

Thanks for all the responses. It has helped i kept thinking this was all in my head like i can't complain. I have never been a selfish person but I guess all I really want is to feel properly cared for and loved by someone sounds sad when I write I know lol. This is the first time I've ever written online looking for advice.

You are so young, you deserve to find a partner you and your kids can be happy with!

I appreciate that thank you. Its all I have ever known never had previous partners or anything to compare it to.

You will, I am sure; you just need to give yourself some time and space to heal. Focus on building your own life with your kids and get some good legal advice. Your life will change for the better!

I can honestly say that if this was me (F) and a man was like this, I'd give an ultimatum with a timeline and when it wasn't met (because people like this become accustomed to their lifestyle), I'd be off.

Gender doesn't matter really; it's the relationship. Two women, two men, hetero... makes no difference if you have someone sat on their backside not willing to pull their weight. As the phrase goes, "shape up or ship out". Get some legal advice - no relationship is worth your MH, doing the bulk of the weight of chores and relationship and this applies to any man or woman putting more in than getting an equal effort out.

Oh, forgot to mention - look for an Andy Mans Club in your area which are fantastic for peer support and other men going through issues: Andy Mans Club

Oh, Germaine Greer's entered the chat. Never a woman's fault is it?