Was my late husband emotionally abusive?

[GoldenHammer]

Me and my Husband were together for 20 years, married for 18, we have a daughter together and we got together when we were 21&20

He died in a sudden car accident nearly 2 years ago but as i find myself reflecting on our relationship and living life as a single parent i find myself realising how i've never been able to think for myself.

it was always like i was treading on eggshells around him.

We moved early on in our relationship shortly after getting married when i was offered a promotion at work, it was a significant raise, but meant moving 180 miles away, he was made redundant at the same time and neither of us liked the town we lived in, and our daughter wasnt born yet.

but this was usually used as "i gave everything up for you" if we ever argued, despite him starting his dream job as soon as we moved (it was a self employed Job with his own bike shop - cycling)

his dream job didnt pay well at all, but it made him happy and it also worked around childcare when our daughter was born, so he did do the school runs and worked the shop hours around that.

the other things i reflect on are any hobbies i had, he would always comment if i spent any time doing hobby related stuff, it was only 2 days a month at best but it was almost like i wasnt allowed this time and it used to cause friction where we would circle back to "he gave everything up for me" and he needed help with the bike shop at weekends rather than me going off "having fun without responsibilities" as he once put it

on the flip side he did a stag party in malaga, lots of mates weddings, events, even a trip to spain and other stuff he would often attend while i stayed at home with our daughter.

he refused to close the shop for family holidays so sometimes i would take our daughter to Cornwall on our own, just so we could go to a beach for a bit

i would sometimes buy myself a new top and he's go nuts about how i could spend money on new clothes, meanwhile moaning about how old his own were, and how he couldn't afford anything new, i'd offer to buy him new stuff as my income was more than enough for both of us, he never paid any contribution towards anything, and like i said the bike store didn't make anything so i'd offer to pay but he would always refuse, instead only supporting himself through his "dream job" refusing any help financially.

i once bought him a car that i had to say id bought "cheap" just so he'd accept it because i was sick of him driving round a rotten car with expired MOT and no TAX, he was awful at doing stuff like that, and i hated the thought of our daughter in such a death trap so i just bought him something.

we would also argue about home DIY and how we should decorate, if i didnt like his suggestions he would always say "well its your house i guess" just because i paid for it, but it was because a bright orange wall would have looked shit, nothing else, but i felt it was always a struggle and 9/10 times i just let him decorate the way he wanted and lived in a house i disliked.

we were also intimate often nothing excessive, we enjoyed cuddling early on, but cuddling soon became foreplay for sex and i disliked it then, sometimes i just wanted to cuddle without it leading to anything i explained this many times but often it was easier to keep him at arms length because the moment i expressed any touching it would lead to sex, and if it didnt he would ask if i still loved him, and it would start a whole argument so i just learnt not to cuddle unless i was happy for it to lead to sex.

then there was the whole phone thing... i have to do alot of research for work, and also answer e-mails outside of the normal 9-5 (i was a head of dept for a decent company) and he'd always ask what i was up to or try and look, i didnt give a shit and left my phone about anyway, he knew my password, but looking back on it, i would sometimes get a text from a friend and smile because they'd send somehting funny and he'd want to know what i was smiling at instantly, it kinda drove a wedge between my friends as i would be arguing with him rather than texting them back, so i lost alot of friends as we drifted apart with my ever dying communications with them.

but then he would spend lots of time posting on facebook with his cycling stuff for his company, i'd often try and support him with it, but it was almost like i was forced to work in the cycling company too, i remember every weekend having to paint something, make a poster, do an event, drive some bikes somewhere, i did it because i loved him but on reflection there was no me time, all my free time was spent doing house chores or helping with that stupid bike shop.

in reality i did 40hrs a week at work and some 15 hours at the bike shop a week on top of that, unpaid of course, i mean it started as a "give me 5 years to get the business going, and if it fails ill quit" which soon turned into 12 years and any talk about it was "me not supporting his dream" even our daughter had to pitch in instead of doing stuff with friends at weekends and i now look back at all she missed out on, she even hates bikes as a result of it.

and i guess thats where i am now, the bike store and my late husband is gone, and now i have all this time with zero hobbies and next to no friends outside my work circle becuase i just didn't have time to socialise

and it makes me think that actually what we had wasnt normal at all, and all these thoughts in my head are just driving me crazy as i try and find who i am again

i think this is all spurred on too after i went on a date for the first time, and the guy was like, "what do you want to do for our next date" and i mentioned i loved pottery once upon a time, and he was immediately like "ok lets do that" and i don't think i've ever had that in my life before, someone who actually thinks what i want, or am i just in a dating haze?

the only people i have as friends are my family to be honest, and even then im closer with his family than my own so i cant exactly talk about this with them as he was the "perfect son" to them.

help me make some sense of it please?

It sounds very similar to my life and marriage. You don't realise what you're carrying until you're not.

It took my husband not being in my life, and help from Women's Aid, for me to be able to see his behaviour for what it was. While you are with them they keep your head filled with them so you don't have the headspace to be able to think with any clarity. And they grind you down.

Just as my husband rewrote our history to suit his narrative to snare this next victim, I've had to rewrite our history with a new understanding of how his mind and behaviours were working. It is some headfuck.

I can understand people, especially his own family, not wanting to think badly of your late husband because he is dead. And no-one can watch him with seeing eyes now, so you probably feel quite isolated with these thoughts. There's always someone here with similar experiences who can listen

I agree with @NoButterBastardGails.

I also was married a long time and only realised it was abusive rather late in the day. However, I started therapy at the end of my marriage and so I’ve had two years to process it all during my divorce.

Yes, there are people who do this to you. You do look back on your life and wonder what person you would have become if you hadn’t been conditioned to be so subservient to their wishes and feelings.

You have a lot to unpick and I would really recommend you to start therapy/counselling. Take it slow, there may be an awful lot of heartbreak to let out.

Im still recovering and processing all this, but I’m also at the next stage of trying to increase my social circle and discover who I am after all this time.

My mantra now is ‘to be the Main Character in my Own Life’ - if your life was anything like mine, this will really resonate with you.

My mantra now is ‘to be the Main Character in my Own Life’ - if your life was anything like mine, this will really resonate with you. I love this @Imgoingtobefree.
It sounds like you were in the slow boiling frog scenario, and you are now seeing what life should be and what can be.
Therapy is a really good idea, because you'll still be experiencing grief alongside the emotions around awakening from being in a controlled marriage. Whether it was abusemor not, only you can tell, but it certainly sounds controlled and manipulative. You need to learn process what happened in a safe, neutral space.

I think you’ve realised how much you value your freedom. It sounds as though you’re more than capable of coping on your own, and had essentially been coping alone for a long time. Don’t blame yourself for what has been, it is easy to become enmeshed and so wrapped up in the day to day that you can’t see the wood for the trees. Without wishing to sound crass, you have a wonderful opportunity now to live your life as you want it. Good luck!

I agree that some counselling will help you to unpick a lot of it and enable you to move forward with your life now and in the future.
Its another something that you can do for yourself.
That's a long time to be with someone and have a life with someone that doesn't feel like it was you or your life - you are still young enough to re-write what the future will be for you, on your terms and as your vision.
I don't think anyone can answer the million dollar question of 'was he abusive' except you.
I have and am still having counselling in order to validate and answer that question, I've read every article and book known to mankind to seek that validation - no-one wants to say they were in an abusive relationship, most of all our own minds. But until we can answer our own question, there is no peace.
I realise that I cant do that alone - it is all to emmeshed and then that brings up further questions, self doubt etc etc.
Find a lovely counsellor and do some work on you and for you.

I'm by no means there yet but I can answer that question for myself now and I feel a lot more peace than I did a few weeks ago.

I am sorry for your loss/family's loss and really hope that you get some clarity.

I agree counselling may be useful here OP. It certainly sounds like your husbands needs were put before your needs in the marriage. He sounds quite selfish, and you were used to bowing to his needs rather than thinking about your own. Whether or not he was abusive or just self centered, we cannot answer. However counselling may help you make sure, as you go back to dating, that you don’t end up in another unbalanced relationship.

I lost my husband 2 years ago. Whatever it was, I’d really just let go of the thoughts and remember the good times 🌺

i think thats what im struggling with to remember the good times, early on yes, but ever since we moved its hard to find them as they were few and far between, i think i just accepted that because we were married this was what i needed to do.

it feels good to at least acknowledge some of it, its not something i want to dwell on too much to be honest but i guess im now realising how controlled i was

thanks for the responses perhaps i should try counselling to try and make sense of it all, it may help.

Unless you've experienced such a relationship it's very hard, if not impossible, to understand how it messes with your head - it doesn't just all disappear when we are no longer with the controller. If we were able to let it go or move on that would be brilliant but we can't, it takes work. That work doesn't make it disappear either but it does help us process what was done and learn to live with it so it is very much worth doing.

I hope you can soon find someone who can help you come to terms with everything @GoldenHammer

This isn't good advice.

OP you need to address these issues now, before you ends up in another controlling relationship. To address why you felt you couldn't vocalise what you wanted, why you stayed for so long in an unhappy relationship, why you let go of hobbies and friends just to appease your husband.

If this doesn't happen, you will be vulnerable to meet someone similar. Remember, these types don't reveal their true nature until further down the line.

Why did you feel so undeserving of those things? How was your childhood? Your mother and father?

Yes I do consider you late husband to have been emotionally abusive @GoldenHammer

Better to acknowledge it than to try to suppress it, because you are finally seeing it for what it was.

Hope you can find a nice counsellor or someone you can feel free to talk things over with to help you come to terms with it.

@GoldenHammer 'I would sometimes get a text from a friend and smile because they'd send something funny and he'd want to know what I was smiling at instantly.' Had this with my ex. Horrible, used to put a knot in my stomach.

i guess i just don't like to cause a fuss and i like to make people happy, what i wanted never felt important enough so i stopped hobbies and seeing friends so i could help him, well it was part that and part to avoid an argument about me not helping him.
me seeing friends etc was not "supporting him" after he had "given everything up for me"

i think i believed that line for so long, but in reality and on reflection, he didn't give anything up, moving was an enabler for him to do what he wanted, and even if he did he shouldn't have guilt tripped me with it for years, we both decided to move together, it wasn't just my decision.

im not that close with my parents, we talk but not often, i think i have been career focus because of them, it was to make them proud i guess idk, my childhood was fairly normal, i take after my mum who is also quieter than most and goes with the flow so to speak, she loves photography and my dad has always encouraged her with it so its not like im mirroing my parents relationship etc.

im probably not making sense now.

I think some counselling would be really helpful to you to unpick all these thoughts and realisations especially since you don’t have many people in real life you can talk to about this. It will remain flooding your head with thoughts and what ifs if you don’t address it I think

I also think that its not too late to either rekindle friendships or to make new ones, you now have the freedom to pursue hobbies and to please yourself, you just need to work out how to do that after not doing it for so many years.