How do I deal with this

[onetwonetoo]

I’ve posted previously, under a different username, about issues we’ve had around DH drinking.

After a recent serious incident (non violent) he has stopped drinking and is attending counselling weekly and is looking for a local AA group to join.

Ive insisted we need to see a couples therapist as his drinking has impacted me/our marriage greatly and this needs to be acknowledged.

I asked him to research and arrange. It’s been a month. I’ve had to bring it up to him three times. He told me he’s found some therapists in our area and then tried to make it a joint enterprise by saying we could email them together.

I’ve pushed back and said no as I feel it needs to come from him. I’ve said I don’t want to hear anymore about it and that I’d like it sorted by this Friday so we can start sessions after Easter.

I feel a bit sick at the thought of him not having done it by Friday and what that says about our marriage.

He’s planned a lunch date for us and I feel if he hasn’t done what he said he’s going to do I shouldn’t go.

it does seem he’s trying but in general but this is really important to me and I feel like he’s dragging his feet and I’m feeling annoyed already at the prospect of him a) having not done it b) having done the bare minimum.

Can I attend marriage counselling alone?

Anyone?

Although I can understand why you need this, it also feels a bit like a test.

Did you explore why he wants to email together? It might be really hard to write down the reasons therapy is needed I.e. his behaviour

from my perspective he wants to email together because it put the onus back on me to deal with. He couldn’t give any reason when we discussed it.

It feels like he’s ticked all the boxes to get himself help but as usually my needs are left wanting

He doesn't want to do it, if he was serious he would have done so already.

@PruthePrunei agree. I don’t know how to proceed. We have two small children and a life together but I can’t let this go

OP, you can leave a relationship for any reason. It sounds like you are on the edge at the moment and this is a “final straw” issue. A partner with alcoholic issues must be extremely difficult to deal with. You don’t need permission to pull the plug.

This does sound so difficult and I understand what you mean about not considering your needs. You have probably done a lot of meeting him in the middle (or more) and it would go a long way for him to do the same for you.

He may not do it. Thats going to be hard, and I could understand why it would be the final straw.

A few weeks ago I broke down after bringing it up a second time. I told him how hurt I was and how lonely and unheard I’ve felt. It was met with a response of yes I feel the same.

He then went off saying he’d do what he’d promised and return with information that could be found within two minutes if looking online.

he may well have done it but I’m so dejected and have such little faith in his word now that I can barely bring myself to speak to him.

I’m preparing myself for disappointment again which may not be fair to him but I don’t want to keep putting my needs aside for a quiet life

Darling, don't ruin your or your children's life because of an alcoholic.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you people either.

End the marriage and raise your children without an alcoholic parent in their day to day lives. He’s not trying at all and is stalling for time. Stop trying to be fair to him!. You being codependent in this relationship is doing you no favours at all. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only start when you and he are apart.

It takes a couple of minutes to send an email but he didn't bother because it's much easier for you to do it under the guise of 'doing it together'.
As the mantra on here goes, if a bloke wants to do something he gets it done, if he doesn't then he simply doesn't think it's important.
Prepare To be disappointed and start making plans for you and the dc.

Can I attend marriage counselling alone?

You can (and, I'd suggest, you should) attend individual counselling alone, and talk about wherever is important to you. Ask your GP and contact AlAnon (for the families of alcoholics).

A few weeks ago I broke down after bringing it up a second time. I told him how hurt I was and how lonely and unheard I’ve felt. It was met with a response of yes I feel the same.

This is one of the worst things I've ever read on here, and I remember when this was all just fields. He has no regard for you, no consideration for the impact his actions have on you (or, indeed, his own children). He is telling you he intends to take zero responsibility for his behaviour. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

He is utterly, utterly selfish. Unfortunately alcoholics tend to choose alcohol over their spouses and children (and health and careers and so on), although he has stopped drinking your husband seems to have become a dry drunk who will behave in the same ways as before even if he's not drinking.

he has stopped drinking and is attending counselling weekly and is looking for a local AA group to join.

This really is the very, very bare minimum. I would ask him to leave, he can always come back if he can prove he's changed. You might find that a short, sharp shock is enough to motivate/frighten him into actually pulling his finger out and actually take steps to become the husband and father you and your children need him to be, and after that you can decide whether you actually want him back if he's only changed because you've practically forced him to.

I'm sorry I'm so pessimistic about the chances of your marriage getting to a healthy place, but statistically it's not likely unfortunately. It's probably more likely to work if you make a proper stand now though. I do appreciate you so badly want it to work, but I would prepare for a life without him in it and then if by some miracle he does manage to turn things around that's great. Put yourself and your children first. Reach out for support. Don't keep his secrets for him.

we could email them together

What, type a word or a sentence each? This is pathetic. It's not even making an appointment, it's taking five minutes to type an email. You aren't asking too much. I agree with drawing a line and saying you want him to have made an appointment with someone by Friday or else you need a provisional separation.

Also 'is looking for an AA group to join?' If what I've read is accurate they take place all across the country, every day. If he really wanted to go, he could find one and be there tonight. Again, you deserve better

Also, I’m sorry but I get the feeling that when he fails he’ll blame you.

I say ‘when’ because it’s really hard and I assume everyone takes more than one go to settle into sobriety. The only way for him to get there will be persistence and responsibility. And he’s not doing a lot of either at the moment. Sorry.

I have no doubt I’ll get the blame for anything that doesn’t go to plan.

I’ve pushed back in a few areas and get “the face”.

Let’s see what Friday brings but I’m not holding my breath. I understand he may not want to do personal counselling, couples counselling and AA all at the same time but I just want him to show willing and he’s not even doing AA as he’s “looking in to it”

Firstly, he is being pathetic. How do you even email jointly?
Secondly, it sounds like he is still prevaricating. If he meant what he said he could have done it by now, particularly getting started with AA. Remember, actions speak louder than words. He can promise all he wants but it's what he actually does that counts.
Thirdly, I write as the daughter of an alcoholic. I'm in my sixties now, but I am still grateful to my Mum for having the courage to leave when she did, to protect us from the worst effects of it. We still saw him , he wasn't a terrible person, he did love us, but he was not reliable or predictable, and children need a peaceful and consistent home. He did give up drinking, for years at one point, but sadly went back to it and died not long after. But I was aware of the problems caused by his drinking before I was old enough to go to school. Don't assume your DC don't know what's happening, they will be aware of moods, financial issues, unpredictable behaviour, all that being an alcoholic entails, including children having to walk on eggshells, having to be responsible far too young because their parent isn't.
Your children will have a better childhood if you can give them a settled homelife, and you will probably have to end the relationship to do that.

You can find an AA meeting in seconds. You can also attend an online one just as quickly.
He now has no reason to do anything more because everything is on his terms.
You are wasting your time.
He will only change when he hits rock bottom and that will never happen with you there coddling him.
Is he even attending his own counselling? Alcoholics lie.
Get your own therapy. Go to Al Anon. And get yourself away from this utterly selfish man.
You and your DC deserve better.
You will never find peace here.

He’s merely paying lip service to his alcoholism and has no intention whatsoever of wanting to address it. Roping you into his problem is all part of the dysfunction.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not further raise them in a home with their alcoholic dad.

I wouldn't try to do so much. IMO the way forward is to make it clear that it's crunch time and if he drinks again, he's out.

You can't bring up children with an alcoholic. He can flounder around making out that it's very difficult to find support, see his GP or find a counsellor but his actions are telling you that he's not serious.

I would prepare for the worst and get legal advice on separation. I'd start planning life without him.