Ghosted after years

[Popie123]

Hi

I have been seeing someone on and off for around 4 years , we were not in a official relationship and it was quite obvious I wanted more from it than him but I stupidly kept seeing him and whenever I would try and break it off he would always come back

the whole of last year was very much on between us, we spoke every single day and saw each other regularly and went on dates etc

we had a minor disagreement in January but this was not abnormal for us and I thought nothing of it but he ended up blocking me absolutely everywhere which he has never done before and to this day I am still blocked

i have tried to reach out to him 3 times since then , twice in February and once a few days ago as I have another phone which he has not blocked

he will not even open my messages and has not responded to a single one. I have asked him if there is someone else, I have asked him to tell me the reason why he has totally cut me off and I am met with silence , again this not something he has ever done before , my birthday also went past during these 3 months and he didn't acknowledge it something also out of character for him

i am heartbroken and feel like he must have met someone else but don't know why he will not just put me out of my misery and tell me , I also don't know why he has left one line of communication open and not blocked that phone the first time I reached out on it seen as I am blocked everywhere else. Makes me wonder if he is enjoying this

has anyone experienced this?? I know ghosting is common when meeting ppl online etc but I met him through work I've known him almost 10 years and I can't believe he thinks that this is acceptable behaviour

The closure is that you were more into him than he was ever into you. He was your mr right and you were his ms right now.
Maybe he met someone, maybe he decided not to string you along anymore, maybe he suddenly upped and moved away. You will probably never know.
He isn’t worth your headspace, you should know that.

Why have you decided this individual is so important?

You are more important. You need to forget about him now and have a happier life.

Find new things to do.

I know none of the above is easy. My partner moved out last year. It was horrible but I started walking, hobbies and lots of DIY because I had to accept he is not coming back.

Also, if you keep bothering him, he could go to the police and then you would have a very different problem!

It was mean of him to end the relationship in the way he did. But the point is it's ended and you need to accept this however difficult.

Ghosting is awful, it really is. But you can't do anything about it so best to accept that he's behaving appallingly and move on.

However, I would be interested to know what the minor disagreement in January was?

There's no such thing as closure. It's a made up thing.

You're in charge of yourself and you decide when you've thought about it enough and you're going to move on.

He's obviously become fed up of the toxic nature of your "relationship". All this on and off for four years with no clear definition of where you both stood, has probably finally got to him and he's moved on. Possibly he's even met someone else he gels with better?

Yes, I agree, ghosting you is a shitty thing to do, but I'm afraid if he's blocked you for this long and not acknowledged your birthday, which he would normally do, then it's likely you will never get to the bottom of it. And do you really want another four years of this?! It sounded stressful and chaotic to me.

Try and see it that he's done you a favour. No, you may not get closure, but it's a chance for you to move on and find someone you have an equal footing with and who wants a definite future with you. You need to put this behind you and forge a new path.
Good luck 🌷

He's doing you both a favour op. This is a toxic and unhealthy. You need to put your energy into moving on. You will never get closure from a man or situationship you are on, it was not a relationship he put value in. I know you think some are being harsh but you need to let it go for your own sake

Thanks for all of your replies

the disagreement in January was about communication

agree I will never get closure from this person and I have to accept it and move on

unfortunately this isn't the first time he has done this to me , although the last time he did it was years ago he has done this before for a longer period of time and I ended up letting him back

he has done some awful things to me over the years that I would not mention on this thread but yes it is time to move on

It sounds like it was not a proper relationship anyway so just move on.

Oh OP, I feel you. I had a best male friend for over 30 years and for the last seven it turned into something more. He was my best friend and I trusted him more than anyone else on this earth. Then in January (same time as you), he just ghosted me out of them blue. He doesn’t live in this country so there is nothing I can do. I messaged once to make sure he was still alive because it’s so out of character but he replied saying he’d been busy. I replied, then was ghosted. I’ve never messaged again. It hurts so much being ghosted, realising you never meant as much to someone as you thought you did, getting no respect from someone etc, but it is what it is and you just have to deal with it. It’s so very hard and I still think about him all the time even though I know he’s horrible for doing this. The ghosting is one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me. It is getting easier though, I’ve started to work on myself and listen to a few podcasts about it etc. I do know he won’t ruin my life though and I think of all the other lovely things I have in my life. Try to focus on other positive things in your life and try new things meet new people etc. I know it’s not easy but there’s nothing you can do about how someone else behaves towards you. Put your head up, you’ve got this girl xx

@comfyslippets sorry that a similar thing has happened to you , it is awful the ghosting part and even more shocking he was your friend for 30 years! We actually started off as friends aswell. I can accept that whatever it was is over it's just the ghosting part I am finding very hard to come to terms with. I have an active social life i do things for myself etc but this has just hit me very hard. I won't reach out to him again though and this thread has somewhat given me a reality check x

I started journaling actually about it to get my feelings out and that has helped.
Also, do remember January isn’t that long ago so be kind to yourself. Getting over a break up is hard, especially when you’ve been ghosted

@Popie123yes, this happened to me when I was younger with someone I’d been on and off with for a similar amount of time, about four and a half years.

I’ll be honest, it was one of the absolute worst things that ever happened to me. The first six months I was an absolute mess and hoped he would come back or contact me. But at about the six month mark something shifted and I did tentatively start dating again. I kissed a few frogs and the first one was definitely a bit of a rebound, but within five years I was getting married to my now husband.

Be kind to yourself- block him on everything if you haven’t already so that you haven’t got the hope of him reaching out. Lean on friends and family if you can. Have some talking therapy if you feel you need it; I didn’t for over a year, but I wish I had.

And for what it’s worth I bumped into my ex about a decade on (with my new baby!) and he had gotten back together with a ex. I don’t know the timeline, if that was immediate and why he ghosted me, but she was a tit so I just wondered after all of that time what he was playing at. He was very sheeepish and clearly embarrassed, but I had the presence of mind to be effusively friendly and act as though I had bumped into my long lost best friend in the world who I harboured no resentment towards, which seemed to unnerve him. It was very satisfying to see him squirm.

Good luck and take care.

Time is the best healer.
It is the thing which helps most.
Most men who behave like this have met someone else.
They don’t have the maturity to tell someone else in their life, they just jump ship without a care.
And he will do it to the new, shiny person as well.
Now is the time to reflect on why you accepted such awful behaviours - I am not judging, I have been there.
But made a choice to work on myself, on my own life and to never go there again.
It is about setting yourself free now he’s gone. Let him go.

in glad it worked out for you and you met your husband I hope one day I can be happy and meet someone so much better than this person. I am in therapy but for other reasons so we don't really talk about this specific thing

i will admit I haven't managed to block him back because a pathetic part of me hopes he will come back, he did actually block me years ago for about 5/6 months but the difference was I didn't reach out once. He then ended up reaching out via email during the height of Covid to ask if I was okay and how it was crazy times etc and I ended up straight back where we left. I hope my story can end like yours and I forgot about this arsehole x

Another poster did not use capital letters at the start of paragraphs.

How pedantic. It's okay for you to make a typo and edit it then? Let it be.

To the op, I know it's painful but you must leave it now. Sometimes silence is an answer and sometimes the closure must come from ourselves.

This situationship has stopped you formulating a proper relationship with another person, whilst you've been accepting crumbs from this other man. Ask yourself why are you accepting only crumbs, if you want the whole cake? Put your boundaries in tact and don't let anyone treat you again like this.

You have to take some responsibility in this too as you let him do it to you. Not just once but several times.

I think that having a read on attachment styles will help you. Often our childhood can dictate how we conduct ourselves in adulthood. Also have a read of Mr. Unavailable and the fallback girl. Good luck to you!

You said ‘on and off, not official’. You wanted more. But however ‘unofficial’ it was, it was a relationship with some emotional dependence. I don’t know if my man’s perspective makes it any different, but I have found that having a ‘part relationship’ that’s kind of just friends but where there’s also more, even if it’s in the background - can mess up my head. I have - after one LTR that went very sour - had to go NC for quite a while when she was wanting to be ‘just friends’ because it stopped me from moving on. I think he needs to move on, he knows he can’t while you’re still around - and now you need to move on as well.