Marriage falling apart since multiple shared traumas and husbands reactive ADHD behaviour - is there hope?

[DazedAndConfuseddd]

I'm asking for advice and similar experiences to help me understand if my marriage is salvageable.

Myself 35F and husband 36M have been together for 11 years, married for 3. We have had 2 children together. We have shared multiple traumas together including the stillbirth of our first child (our precious girl), our second child (brave little boy) being born with a serious heart defect requiring open heart surgery at 11 weeks old and an ectopic pregnancy requiring my emergency life saving surgery. This has all been in the last 3 years. I feel that we have been cursed by the universe since we got married and in myself I am a broken shell. The only thing keeping me going is our second child who is now thankfully a thriving 16 month old.

Since the ectopic pregnancy 7 months ago, our relationship has really been falling apart. I began to notice my husband wasn't mentally present a lot of the time and whenever I bring up something that has hurt my feelings, I am met with defensiveness and point scoring. He has ADHD and emotional dysregulation has always been an issue, however the slightest negativity and he cannot cope. I can only liken it to a teenager being told off by his mum. He has let me down in many ways and I hold a lot of resentment towards him which I just cannot shift. Our 2nd and only living child is now becoming more aware of his surroundings. My husband has these reactions in front of him and has even swore at me whilst holding him. The last week husband has been ill (just a cold) and his behaviour has been abhorrent. He has apologized (after another argument where I was trying to tell him how his behavior was affecting me) but the apology doesn't even matter to me. I know he will do it again, and again.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I can definitely shout back and probably have my own negative behaviours, but this is a pattern with him that I have called him out on multiple times in the past 11 years. I thought having a baby here with us would change that. I don't want my child to grow up in this environment and I don't know what to do.

I still love my husband and outside of these episodes he is kind, funny and caring. He is a great dad and he is a good person. I just don't know if what we've been through together is enough to pull our relationship through this horrible patch. I want for him to show me in actions he can change his behavior but time and time again he lets me down.

Are we just trauma bonded? Has anyone else got some experience with this kind of dynamic, especially with a child?

To add also, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, PPD and I am a SAHM. He WFH and I rely on his income due to my health and my child's healthcare needs. We haven't been intimate since before the ectopic, partly because I'm terrified of getting pregnant again, partly because I just don't feel attracted to him right now.

Is this marriage salvageable? I don't think he's a malicious person, I just think he's stuck in a behavior cycle that requires more than I can give to break.

Thank you all for reading

A tired mum/wife/person x

Have either of you had bereavement counselling? SANDS might be a good place to start. I'm very sorry for your losses
https://www.sands.org.uk/

Has he had any therapy or treatment for his other problems?

Sort yourselves out separately, then do couples counselling, but this will only work if you BOTH work at it. Do you think he would?

Is he diagnosed and medicated for his adhd or is this your diagnosis of adhd. If its diagnosed get his meds increased. I have a man simular and elvanse and dex works well. Have to get the balance right 50mg isn't strong enough but 60 and 70mg my God the come down is awful and he's snappy but 50 plus dex works well. He won't ever manage the dysregulation. You need to talk through the traumas but don't blame ask for his perspective and listen then vice versa

OP, it's not really clear what's going on but from what I understand, your relationship was fine until seven months ago.

You've had a series of losses💐and your baby had medical problems. You're suffering from PTSD and other mental health issues.

You can't change people and were sadly mistaken when you thought having children would make him change.

Despite his flaws, you married him and had two children with him so I assume he's been doing something right.

Perhaps he's also suffering from grief and trauma. Both of you might benefit from bereavement counselling. Cruse offer free counselling.

Couple's counselling might also be beneficial as it sounds like you're stuck in silos unable to communicate.

Don't let him off the hook because of adhd you have lots of diagnoses too but you're not being aggressive

Please see a counsellor if you're not already

Make a plan to leave safely and document the abuse

Thanks all for your replies.

We've both had numerous forms of counselling: couples, bereavement, trauma, hypnotherapy, medical. We still have counselling separately and he is on a CBT course. He is 2 years into the NHS waiting list for ADHD diagnosis so cannot get access to meds. We are both on anti anxiety meds. 7 months ago was when things got worse and I started to feel like we might not make it - we've had problems with communication and angry outbursts for years.

My main question I'm looking for help with is - do you think I can move past my resentment? I know only I fully know the answer to this I'm just so lost. I don't have anyone to vent to as I don't want to cloud their opinion of him or our marriage. I guess I came here in case anyone has been through something similar .

Thank you ❤️

If you've had all that counselling between you and it's not improved your relationship then quite frankly, nothing will improve it.

Resentment is a known relationship killer and once it rears its head then it is very unusual for the relationship to recover. You are resentful for certain reasons but if those reasons disappear/change then you will be resentful over the length of time they took to instigate those changes ifywim.

You are raising a child in an angry toxic environment with a person who constantly lets you/them down. Your child will seek out that dynamic when choosing their life partners as they won't know what a healthy one looks like. You do, but choose not to have one. Why?

No one can tell you if you can get past resentment.

You're both suffering from trauma and are early into your healing journey, it's only been 7 months since your last loss.

I wouldn't make a decision whist suffering from PTSD and grieving.

Go via rtc he will be seen much quicker

From what you’ve said, it’s absolutely salvageable. Can you afford any kind of counseling — either separate or joint? I think it would be hugely beneficial and the best way to move forward together.

ETA: Are you currently in counselling? Based on your last update, I see you’ve done it and he’s in CBT now. What about marriage counselling?

I lost my second baby to stillbirth and it took me a good 5 years to even feel remotely human again afterwards. Our 2 subsequent pregnancies were high risk and complex, one baby born at 35 weeks and in special care. I don't know how our relationship survived but it did.

Focus on the good - you've got a precious child, each other and just need to stop rubbing against each other like sandpaper because it's too easy a pattern to fall into. And from personal experience, medication and counselling/therapy helps very few. You're just dragging over old ground and nothing changes what happened and no good comes from living inside your own head. I found CBT the most help - learning how to shut away the thoughts you don't want to have. A tool I still use today many years on. It gets easier.

Have you looked up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? This commonly occurs with ADHD and might better explain some of his behaviours, so as to plan new communication strategies. I’m so sorry for all the trauma you’ve been through 💐