Is this normal/usual for a long term relationship

kimbobby2000 · 2025-04-01T21:31:49+00:00

I'm with my partner of 12 years. We have children, but not together. We live together in a nice house and both work although he earns a lot more than me. I'm starting to doubt whether our relationship is what I want but at the same time I think I must be batty to be questioning it. He is good-looking, he has a good job, we never argue or disagree about anything, he is really caring, does more housework than me, he does things like warm my side of the bed up before I get in, and washes my car without me asking. And he loves me. But I'm not sure I know what love is supposed to feel like after 12 years. I feel safe, secure and loved and I can be myself around him. But I'm not attracted to him and don't feel any connection or passion in our relationship. We do stuff together because it's easier than doing it alone. Is this common? Should I just "know" whether I love him or not? I've asked other people if they still love their long term partners and most have said yes without hesitating. Should I just suck it up and be grateful? I'm attracted to other people and rarely think about him when we are apart. I would struggle to afford to live without him which I feel is heavily impacting on my thought processes.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/04/2025 22:39

Get an electric blanket.

But seriously, only you know if you are unhappy enough to leave but decent men are very thin on the ground so be careful.

Maitri108 · 01/04/2025 23:34

You obviously haven't been on the dating scene for a while. When you're single and have seen another headless cheat on OLD you'll regret dumping someone who treats you well.

But if the relationship has run its course, it's run its course. I'm sure he'll get snapped up.

BestIntentioned · 02/04/2025 18:51

What is it you want OP?

he sounds okay ..

Crushed23 · 02/04/2025 19:02

I can’t speak for 12-year long relationships, but I lost all sexual attraction to ex-DP despite him being exceptionally decent and perfect ‘on paper’ for me. He just didn’t light my fire and there was nothing exciting about the relationship. I also developed crushes on other men, and I didn’t really miss him when we were apart etc. So the relationship ended.

By contrast, a past relationship where I was truly head over heels about the guy, I never so much as glanced at another man. He was everything to me, so other men sort of became invisible? I really miss that kind of love.

I don’t know what the answer is, because as PP said, good men who treat you well are hard to come by. The dating pool is a disaster. Would you be happier single?

Original poster

kimbobby2000 · 02/04/2025 19:18

I don't think even I know fully. I know i want to feel connected. I know I prefer spending time with my best friend than him and I feel a stronger bond with my cat. We get on fine, it's just mundane - there are no ups and downs. There's no arguing so there's no making up, there's no sexual passion, i just do it to keep him happy.
I just want to know if other couples who have been together this long feel the same so i know its normal.

OP posts:

Kitchensinktoday · 02/04/2025 19:26

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/04/2025 22:39

Get an electric blanket.

But seriously, only you know if you are unhappy enough to leave but decent men are very thin on the ground so be careful.

OP, please read threads about today’s horrendous dating scene. This may help.

GagaBinks · 02/04/2025 19:26

If he suddenly had to go abroad with no contact for 6 months (pretend it's a work thing) how would you feel?

CobraChicken · 02/04/2025 19:27

Did you fancy him initially and was there passion when you first got together, or did you date someone you were never all that attracted to, just because he was a nice guy? If the latter, it sounds hopeless, but if you initially had a spark, maybe you just need to both work on rekindling it.

YipYapYop · 02/04/2025 19:27

Arguing, making up and shagging would get old pretty quickly

MightyGoldBear · 02/04/2025 19:30

Could you do some therapy together or start a new hobby together? Maybe you need to see him in a new light?

12 years married for me and the mundane monotony of life can really kill the passion and spark but we really Try to cultivate intimacy.

I'd definitely be looking at all angles and seeing what you can Try together before ending things. As pp have said there really aren't a great abundance of great men out there.

Poonu · 02/04/2025 19:31

I would be mortified if I knew my partner slept with me just because and wasn't really into it.

OP you stick around for his money?

Gwlondon · 02/04/2025 19:44

You are part of his success. You aren’t giving him drama. You give him companionship. Stability. You give him an opportunity to be very kind to you. He warms your side of the bed is so kind I can’t put it into words.

I think plan an adventure with him. Go somewhere you wouldn’t usually go. Camping or hiking. Or find a sport to do together to get some endorphins.

You would miss him if you were by yourself. Just don’t realise it yet.

Or maybe you need a new hobby? I think consider what you really think is important and see if you can fulfil it in other ways. If you need connection you could volunteer somewhere and meet that need.

Are you lonely?

Original poster

kimbobby2000 · 02/04/2025 19:46

Crushed23 · 02/04/2025 19:02

I can’t speak for 12-year long relationships, but I lost all sexual attraction to ex-DP despite him being exceptionally decent and perfect ‘on paper’ for me. He just didn’t light my fire and there was nothing exciting about the relationship. I also developed crushes on other men, and I didn’t really miss him when we were apart etc. So the relationship ended.

By contrast, a past relationship where I was truly head over heels about the guy, I never so much as glanced at another man. He was everything to me, so other men sort of became invisible? I really miss that kind of love.

I don’t know what the answer is, because as PP said, good men who treat you well are hard to come by. The dating pool is a disaster. Would you be happier single?

Thank you, this is how I feel. I really want to feel love. I can't imagine a life where I never feel it again. I also feel like there is no real answer to this. I think i would be fine single, I have lots of opportunities to be social at work, I have close friends who I see regularly. I hear that the dating pool is dire, but I wouldn't be going out looking. If it happens, it happens.

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndToast · 02/04/2025 19:54

I wouldn't throw a decent man away just because you're not in the "honeymoon stage". Relationships change and get more comfortable. Lack of hassle and drama and anxiety are good things.

AlphaApple · 02/04/2025 20:24

What attracted you to him in the first place? What do you both do to keep your relationship strong - outside of mundane domesticity?

Relationships take a bit of work to maintain.

Iamfree · 02/04/2025 20:32

I so wish you could go on the dating scene for 6-9 months. Your partner would be snapped up by a wise woman while you would need to deal with men who take you for a walk on a date and begrudge spending £3 for a coffee (and if they do, they expect sex). Please please think about this super carefully. The question is not your partner or another man but is your partner or be alone as that’s the most likely option these days

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 20:43

Sounds pretty good to me!! Plenty of women would have him.

most men are shit my husband included

WalkingWavy · 02/04/2025 20:48

I’m going through a similar thought process at the minute. He’s my best pal and literally puts me first before everything but I don’t want to jump into bed with him and if he’s away for the weekend I quite enjoy the time to myself. I don’t want to lose him from my life but I’m not sure if I want us to remain a couple (I know I can’t have my cake and eat it). Also I’m not sure I would be able to afford somewhere to live on my own and I know staying together for financial reasons is no reason to stay really

Pamspeople · 02/04/2025 20:49

Although I agree with others that you would likely find that the grass isn't greener, I think you probably should let him go so he can be free to find someone who really loves him. Sounds like he deserves someone who misses him when they're away and warms his side of the bed too.

Original poster

kimbobby2000 · 02/04/2025 21:54

WalkingWavy · 02/04/2025 20:48

I’m going through a similar thought process at the minute. He’s my best pal and literally puts me first before everything but I don’t want to jump into bed with him and if he’s away for the weekend I quite enjoy the time to myself. I don’t want to lose him from my life but I’m not sure if I want us to remain a couple (I know I can’t have my cake and eat it). Also I’m not sure I would be able to afford somewhere to live on my own and I know staying together for financial reasons is no reason to stay really

People marry into money all the time...I think they call it 'throning' these days?! Its a personal decision to stay because someone can offer a better life and even better if that person is decent. I also feel like people think I want to 'have my cake and eat it!' But is it really so unrealistic to expect it all?

OP posts:

Original poster

kimbobby2000 · 02/04/2025 22:04

Poonu · 02/04/2025 19:31

I would be mortified if I knew my partner slept with me just because and wasn't really into it.

OP you stick around for his money?

No, but it is one factor that is influencing my thoughts. He gives me company, security and I feel safe with him.

OP posts:

jsku · 02/04/2025 22:04

OP - how old are you?
If you are in Peri age group - this is a common theme. Women tend ro get into this place of - ‘i want to feel loved’ and exited again…
And they explode their ‘good enough, but not exciting enough’ relationships.
Their men end up moving on quickly - as decent men are like unicorns.

And women looking for someone else - who’ll love them and make them feel alive - mostly end up dating a string of disappointing men.

@kimbobby2000 leave if you think you’d rather be on your own. But do NOT leave for greener grass. It is not there. That ‘love’ you want to feel again - you aren’t likely to find it. No one finds love when they go looking for it, or because they think they deserve it.

Relationships get stale after time, if you don't work on them. Libido goes down - can be hormones, stress, etc.

But the sort of partner you describe - you will certainly not find one like that again:
Think very carefully about what you want in life.

NormasArse · 02/04/2025 22:07

Pamspeople · 02/04/2025 20:49

Although I agree with others that you would likely find that the grass isn't greener, I think you probably should let him go so he can be free to find someone who really loves him. Sounds like he deserves someone who misses him when they're away and warms his side of the bed too.

The grass is greenest where you water it.

Coali · 02/04/2025 22:40

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 20:43

Sounds pretty good to me!! Plenty of women would have him.

most men are shit my husband included

Sounds shit to me. I’d prefer to be in my own than live with a man I didn’t feel any attraction for. I’d happily live with friends male or female, but be upfront about it, not pretending it’s something more. Unless you’re in your 80/90s, I would find someone who makes you feel how you want to feel when you’re in a relationship with them. It’s a long life, get happiness where you can.