Feel like I’ve been really selfish

[ThatCraftyExpert]

Hi there. I feel so guilty as I feel like I’ve been really selfish and I suppose I just needed to vent.

Before Christmas, my DP was sent a message inviting him to a stag weekend. A poll of dates was put on a WhatsApp group chat and several weekends in April were floated. One of the weekends on the group poll coincided with my 40th birthday weekend and I told my DP that I was hoping to get a small group of family and friends to go away that weekend either abroad or in the UK. It transpires that my birthday weekend was the one chosen for the stag and my partner turned down the invite in favour of my birthday.

I don’t think I ever told him he couldn’t go but I did say that I’d rather he didn’t and that if it wasn’t a special birthday, then I’d be absolutely fine with him going away so close to it. My rationale for wanting to plan something that particular weekend is because it’s Easter the preceding weekend and we/my close friends and family already have plans on most of the other weekends the month or so before and after.

For various reasons (availability of some of the people I wanted to invite, the expense of travelling to the places I wanted to go, a lack of childcare, and my terrible organisational skills being among them), we’re now not going away that weekend.

We do still have nice things planned - my family are coming to the house on the Saturday for champagne and cake, followed by a big family dinner and drinks with a few friends afterwards.

But I now feel really guilty because my DP is missing out on a big weekend with his friends for a birthday weekend at home.

He hasn’t said anything to make me feel guilty, and the stag is someone in his wider group of friends rather than one of his best mates (we only see him a couple of times a year despite living in the same city and we’re only invited to the evening do of the wedding to give you an indication of closeness). But all his best friends are going as guests, they have accommodation booked and they have lots of activities planned including a couple of big nights out.

I just feel like I’ve thought solely about my birthday and didn’t really consider my DP. I feel like I’ve deprived him of a memorable weekend away with his friends as a result when he doesn’t get many opportunities to let his hair down.

Can he not book onto it last min? Even if he needs to stay in a different hotel?

I'm sorry but why are you feeling guilty?

Why aren't you extremely pleased that your DP has prioritised celebrating your birthday with you rather than getting pissed and all the other disgusting things guys get up to on "stag" weekends.

What is there to feel guilty about for heavens sake? You make it sound as though you think you really are second best in his life.

I would not expect to go somewhere else to do something else on my DH's special birthday weekend without him. I would expect to be right by his side, celebrating his ongoing existance and contributing to whatever was planned, big or small. I would be there and if there were a second round of celebrations, I would also expect to be right there, next to my DH, supporting/facilitating his celebration.

It's generous of you to want him to have a good time but his place is really with you and he (sounds like an excellen DH who) knows this since he's not arranged to go with his friends. Think of all the posts about OH who has gone on a stag weekend leaving PP at home with 3 under 3 missing the events she's planned with her extended family.

It’s your 40th!!
Any person should want to be with their loved one on a special birthday, no matter what you do.
He's a good un - be happy :)

Yeah this . Is it too late? But also he’s a grown up and can make his own decisions , it sounds like you didn’t really pressure him and he clearly didn’t feel strongly enough about going on the stag so didn’t push it with you. Have you spoken to him about it?

I haven’t spoken to him, no. Perhaps I should. I really do appreciate him choosing to be with me on his birthday and he is a good’un. But I also really don’t want him to feel resentful about it and I don’t want to be worried all weekend about it.

Bet someone will drop out closer to the time. He could say he'd be able to come if so. But also he's an adult, he made the choice, don't feel bad!

we/my close friends and family already have plans on most of the other weekends the month or so before and after.

You were doing fine up to that point. But it sounds like you've made every possible date for the stag do unavailable to him. Meanwhile you've got plenty of stuff arranged with your own friends.

On the other hand, doesn't sound like he's overly bothered about not going. Might be nice to give him the option now though, since your plans for going away that weekend haven't happened. Maybe he's too nice to complain about the current situation, but if you offer him.to opportunity to go, at least he can make his own choice without any pressure/guilt tripping from you.

We spend 90% of our weekends with my DP’s friends because I moved to the area a short time before we met. And I said my friends and family have plans before and after that weekend, I didn’t say I was involved in those plans. But thanks for your judgy comment.

But why should he feel resentful,?
From what you've said he made a choice of his own free will.
Tbh you are starting to sound as though you really believe every guy ,including your own, is at heart a stupid throwback who needs "stag weekends" and behaving like a single teenage , to be happy. You are doing your partner a total disservice by refusing to accept he is better than that.

You are conditioned to put others before yourself so you feel bad you’ve done the opposite!