Friends that aren't anymore

[KIlliePieMyOhMy]

Sorry - a long one
So recently an old friend messaged me to have a catch up.
About four years ago she had gone into hospital for a small operation on her foot. She'd then spent a week with her parents for them to help look after her and her two teenage children - single parent.
I went to visit her at her parents, card flowers etc.
The following month I was rushed into hospital with a blood clot on each lung. Two hospital stays and then about six weeks at home. She never visited, no card, flowers etc. So I cut ties.

The 'catch-up" was due to take place, on the phone, on Sunday evening.
I text her at 6pm - Just to confirm still on for tonight, what time is good for you?
She texts me back - Mum in hospital, I'll call you at 8pm.
8pm comes and goes - nothing.
Fearing the worst I text her on Monday morning - hope all ok with your mum.
No reply.
I text on Tuesday evening - hope you are ok.
Wednesday morning I get from her -
Morning, things are a bit much at the moment. Trying to run a home, working full-time and being at the hospital doesn't leave much time and when I do get it I want to sleep. Had an upset tummy, hope I didn't pick anything up at hospital.Hope you're ok?

I reply - it's hard when a lot is going on, take care.

Am I ok to leave it there? I don't want a one-sided friendship again.
or am I being too hard on her?

You have different values OP. She'll let you down without a thought over and over.

I'd not bother any more. We've all been there.

No she's had 2 chances. Wish her the best and send her on her way. Quietly or said, that's up to you.

Just leave it now. No further contact. No more chasing. Life’s too short. Move on.
Archive the texts just in case you need to refer to them in future.
You could have died with those clots.
She’s no friend.

I think I’d cut her some slack just this once in case it’s all true! I’d text her Friday and say “Hope things are ok with you and that your mum is feeling better? Such a difficult and worrying time for you all. Perhaps we can catch up at some point once you have some free time. Give me a shout once things calm down a bit. I’ll leave it in your hands. All the best. X

And then if she doesn’t contact you, you won’t think ‘should i have given her a chance’. You did. Walk away guilt free. And if she does meet you fine.

Sorry to hear about your friend and her woes. I had a friend like this. They are what the Americans call 'rubberneckers' - keen on others' woes.

She lives in my home country and when I visited, I'd try to meet up but she always had a conflict ...

Periodically, when my times were tough, she'd email/text - call me any time; just checking in; we should catch up properly. But when I responded with thoughtful questions about her life: how are your parents? what plans for your DD1's wedding? - she never replied ... the silence was deafening b/c she was just an ambulace chaser, a griefmonger. That was a year ago when my husband died. I haven't heard from her since ...

While she’s clearly busy she’s also no friend. She clearly had no problem accepting your kindness and couldn’t be bothered showing you support.
You have done your bit and also done so with class.
Now leave her to it.
She clearly doesn’t have any taste - most of us would be delighted with a fab friend like you!

You definitely leave it there. I once had a former friend text me early hours one Saturday looking to meet. In hindsight she was probably drunk, but a meet was arranged and I sat in and waited for her one morning and she never showed, I texted her and got a “Soz” and a reschedule, same thing again. Didn’t contact her ever again.

For goodness sake, she’s been honest with you that she’s dealing with a lot! Just back off and see if she comes back to you, you don’t have to dramatically sever ties, this all sounds so high school and emotionally needy.

It's quite hurtful when you realise another person isn't prepared to invest as much in the relationship as you are. I think you've been pleasant and polite, just release her back into the wild now. Put her out of your head. Don't contact her again and if she contacts you make your excuses. It will be freeing. She sounds a bit dramatic anyway. Hope you're OK, but don't hope it enough to pick up the phone?? Off you fuck so.

I honestly don’t think I know a woman past the age of about 35 who isn’t dealing with a lot.

OP isn’t suggesting she does anything other than leave the communication as it is- which she absolutely should.

I had a friend who I supported through a difficult period in her life but when I had an injury which kept me out of action for a few weeks there was silence despite us usually talking a couple of times a week. She has a reputation of being 'thoughtful ' and sending caring gifts to people. I didn't get as much as a text when my daughter was born - we were supposedly close friends. I gave up at that point, if she couldn't support me or celebrate with me, is that a friendship? Sometimes you just need to know when to give up.

Yeah but you just never know! I had a friend who started being really flaky and not following up arrangements to meet etc. Later found out she was suffering such bad depression she wanted to kill herself and stopped communicating with pretty much everybody for a time. Thankfully, she’s recovered now and I was pleased that she got back in touch and we met up and resumed our friendship. Just focus on other friends for bit and try not to take it so personally.

Don’t bother. Yeah she has stuff going on right now, but who doesn’t have time to reply to a text? Especially when someone is kindly enquiring how they and their ill mother are doing? She left you from Sunday to Wednesday morning, when a text takes a matter of minutes.
It’s what people do that tells you who they really are, not what they say. And when you were really ill in hospital she couldn’t be bothered to even call or visit.
Real friends aren’t like this and you don’t need her in your life, so I’d just leave it at that.
i had two friends who had children much earlier than I did, and every year I gave their children Christmas and birthday presents. Which always seemed to be gratefully received and appreciated. When I eventually had my own child, after IVF neither of them even remembered his first birthday. I got nothing, not a card or even a phone call. I’m not a petty person but that pissed me off big time and I felt it showed how little my friendship meant. So that was as the end of that, and I haven’t heard from them since!

Thanks for the replies. I'll just leave it for her to get in touch again; another four years maybe. Have a great day everyone.

I think i would cut her some slack if her mum was in hospital, might have had good intentions but was too exhausted by hospital visit.
I think I would just leave it at that and not chase her up. If she wants to catch up when things are calmer then she knows how to get hold of you.
If your life is all hunky dory and her's is not she may find it too much of a struggle to chat and listen to your news at this time

You’ve tried more than I would. I reach out once and then leave people be.

Thing is though -we've all been busy. I've lost parents, cared for them through illnesses etc. I still replied to my friends because they care about me and I care about them. A text takes 30 seconds FGS.

Even leaving that aside, you supported her through an operation and she couldnt even be arsed to check on you when you had a life threatening emergency.

Let her go. She isnt your friend and you deserve better.

As @fairydolphinposts “….She isn’t your friend and you deserve better.”