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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stress or is this abuse?

25 replies

Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 19:26

I’ve written posts about my partner before, and need some help. Before this relationship, I was in an extremely abusive relationship which has caused me trauma and I can find it difficult to unpick if my partner is just very down and stressed, or if in fact I am in another abusive relationship.
My partner is turning 50, hates his job, has a difficult relationship with his ex (and mother of his children). He isn’t handling life overly well and I’ve done my best to support him every way I can.
Yesterday, his car broke down, he phoned in tears and was very difficult about being collected from the side of the road. I dragged my kids out just before bedtime to go and get him. When I arrived, his only comment was to sneer at what I was wearing. Today, I offered to lend him my car when I wasn’t using it, if he needed to get about, or I could give him lifts, no problem. My car isn’t the most attractive, but it works.
Anyway, we went to go for a walk today, and was in the car park when he saw a friend- who proceeded to take the piss out of my car, and my partner joined in. After all I had done over the last 24 hours, I saw red and walked away, saying I was getting a ticket. My partner has now thrown a massive strop at me because “I didn’t take it in a good spirit” and has argued with me all day, blocked me on all platforms, and says he is ending the relationship. Am I being unreasonable? Is this just someone stressed excessively? Or is it borderline abusive behaviour?

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 01/04/2025 19:26

It’s abusive.

Infracat · 01/04/2025 19:27

Abusive definitely. Get rid.

Karmakamelion · 01/04/2025 19:28

He is a complete arsehole.

Make a list of the things he does for you. He thinks he is somehow superior to you. Prove he isn't by kicking vile arse to the kerb. You deserve so much better x

TwistedWonder · 01/04/2025 19:39

As you said you posted before I’ve just read your previous thread. He’s an absolute arsehole - wtf are you getting from this toxic, abusive relationship other than a few crumbs being thrown?

Please don’t waste any more of your life on him. You say you’ve got kids, don’t subject them to having this prick in their lives.

Sadly because you’ve been in a previous abusive relationship, your boundaries are so skewed that you’ve sleep walked into another one. You think because he’s not as bad as your ex then that’s good, but being 70% a cunt rather than 90% is still an abusive cunt.

Hes done you a massive favour ending the relationship - tell him you agree it’s over and keel him blocked.

Bittenonce · 01/04/2025 19:40

Label it as abusive , or not - he’s being an arse. Needs to realise he’s being an arse and learn to get his shit together better. Nobody needs someone who’s going to act like this when they’re stressed. I’m most worried that he seems to think he’s in the right, and hard done by. If he’s ending it, maybe for the best. Whatever you do - don’t back down, it will just reinforce his feeling that he was in the right after all.

savethatkitty · 01/04/2025 19:44

So someone mocks your car & your partner joins in. He's a dick. Bye, bye.

Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 19:49

Hi, yeah, thanks for the perspectives. I know you are all
right, it’s always hard to accept though. This is just the last in a long line of incidents to be honest x

OP posts:
Mamabear487 · 01/04/2025 19:53

Abusive. What a shitty person he is

adcde123 · 01/04/2025 21:18

Please set yourself and your children free from this awful human 💐

itsmeits · 01/04/2025 21:27

He's ended it and done you a favour. Block him where you can also.
Live your life and be happy please OP 💐

Cognacsoft · 01/04/2025 21:30

Let him end it.
Saves you the bother.
Did he really cry when his car broke down?

AcquadiP · 01/04/2025 21:32

I would have calmly pointed out that your car - however hilariously unattractive he and his friend may consider to be - was actually doing its job and running, unlike his. I wouldn't put up with that crap. It's not stress, he's being a knob.

category12 · 01/04/2025 21:41

Haven't read your other threads but he sounds thoroughly unpleasant and I suspect the reason he has a difficult relationship with his ex is because he was an arsehole to her too.

Why put up with this ?

Even if he was just down and stressed, it would be no excuse to treat you like this.

Being someone's partner doesn't mean you are their emotional punching bag.

Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 21:45

@CognacsoftYes, he cried. Then when I offered to pick him up he was really rude and difficult on the phone to me, to the point I hung up. Then I felt guilty, called him back, he said he was just going to live in his car & eventually was persuaded to let me come and get him … after all that drama, first thing he commented on was what I was wearing, rather than just saying thank you to me 🙄

OP posts:
Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 21:46

@category12i am beginning to agree that the difficulty in the relationship with his ex is broadly his fault

OP posts:
Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 21:57

@AcquadiPif I had said this, I’d have been in trouble for this as well

OP posts:
Flipslop · 01/04/2025 22:04

Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 21:45

@CognacsoftYes, he cried. Then when I offered to pick him up he was really rude and difficult on the phone to me, to the point I hung up. Then I felt guilty, called him back, he said he was just going to live in his car & eventually was persuaded to let me come and get him … after all that drama, first thing he commented on was what I was wearing, rather than just saying thank you to me 🙄

He sounds obnoxious and manipulative.
theres nothing borderline about whether this is emotional abuse or not, he appalling and you need to get some help to work on your self worth my lovely xx

AcquadiP · 01/04/2025 22:06

So you're meant to just stand there silently and be humiliated when you've gone out of your way to help him? No, no, no. His behaviour was disrespectful and abusive. You deserve better than that.

itsmeits · 01/04/2025 22:07

Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 21:57

@AcquadiPif I had said this, I’d have been in trouble for this as well

So he can banter and you take it in bad taste 'apparently'
Yet if you pointed out the facts you'd be in bad taste.

OP you and your children deserve better.
And as a grown arse adult not to be in trouble for speaking the truth.

AcquadiP · 01/04/2025 22:08

Bradley28 · 01/04/2025 21:57

@AcquadiPif I had said this, I’d have been in trouble for this as well

So you're meant to just stand there silently and be humiliated when you've gone out of your way to help him? No, no, no. His behaviour was disrespectful and abusive. You deserve better than that.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 01/04/2025 22:08

He is not borderline abusive, it is full-on abuse. It might be different from what you experienced in your previous relationship, but abusive he definitely is.

Odious man. Do yourself and your dc a favour and dump the bastard.

SkipToTheLight · 01/04/2025 22:10

He’s abusive and his friend is a dick, which is a bad sign in itself. So sorry, OP, you do not deserve this, you deserve respect and gratitude. 💐

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 01/04/2025 22:13

His abusive, but even if this was stress it's not ok.

YippetyYapYap · 01/04/2025 22:29

Not borderline abusive. Definitely abusive. Massive disrespect. You deserve better.

Switcher · 01/04/2025 22:39

Who cares about the label. He can get fucked.

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