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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad unwell not sure how to deal with it

7 replies

user90098443 · 01/04/2025 17:19

My Dad left when I was 17 he had been living a double life for 6 years. After he left I had very limited contact with him however my sister did as they both worked close to each other and would meet up.
My sister has maintained contact with him and his now wife but I haven't, I have only spoken/seen him around 10 times in the past 28 years.
My dad has recently been unwell and is currently in hospital, my sister has been visiting and keeps asking if I am going to be visiting him, asking me to phone the hospital to find out how he is. I have told her I am not sure if I want to but she keeps pestering. I don't live near to where they live I would have to travel up for a weekend.
I am finding it all quite hard to deal with, I haven't told anyone this.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/04/2025 17:31

You should do what you want, not what others tell you to do.

TokyoKyoto · 01/04/2025 17:31

Sorry, that sounds hard. You haven't had a relationship with him, so presumably it feels weird that your sister is asking you to ring the hospital to find out how he is?
Could it be that in fact your sister is finding it really difficult, and wants some support from you? Could you explain to her that you won't be making your relationship with him any deeper at this point, but ask her if she needs you to do anything for her?

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 01/04/2025 17:39

Sometimes with siblings and parents you have to accept they will deal with things differently and can you express that to your sister? Will she hear you.

I can totally understand not wanting to see him, it's how I would react. Your sister is different and has dealt with it differently, please just tell her that you understand her perspective but you actually need time and not pressure to think about it and she needs to understand that it will be difficult for you.

Chezxx · 01/04/2025 17:39

OP, think only of yourself and what you want, not him.
Ask your sister to refrain from hassling you.
Shit fathers shouldn't have any expectations from their children.

PrincessofWells · 01/04/2025 19:03

Chezxx · 01/04/2025 17:39

OP, think only of yourself and what you want, not him.
Ask your sister to refrain from hassling you.
Shit fathers shouldn't have any expectations from their children.

Forgiveness can be part of the healing process.

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 01/04/2025 19:16

You need to be very firm with your sister and say your relationship with Dad is very different from hers, and so you will be dealing with your feelings on the matter in a different way. She can like it or lump it.

SorrowsPrayers · 02/04/2025 09:43

After pressure from my family to "do the right thing" I visited my estranged mother as she was dying. I went to the funeral as well to keep my adult children happy. It did nothing for me, and I hugely regret getting sucked into it.
I will not be doing the same when my father departs.
In your case,OP, do what you want to. If you haven't a relationship with him, why would you visit now? Will it help you?

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