Penny for your thoughts…

[treetop122]

I have become more clouded in my judgement in recent years.. so wondering what others would make of this situation.
my DP has been under a lot of stress recently and things has been bubbling over for him into crisis. A stressful situation at work is the main issue, however we have 3 kids under 10 and suffer from the usual life balance juggle/cost of living issues. Things have been tricky with him feeling unable to cope but we bumble on the best we can.
last night the 2 year old and 5 year old woke up at the same time. I sleep in with the 2 year old as still wakes multiple times a night. The 5 year old had a bad dream and was shouting for me so I had to wake DP up to see to them, whilst I was still settling the 2 year old. This was around 5am.
at 6am I realised DP was getting out of the shower and when I popped my head in he shouted at me he was furious and was going to work. He didn’t go back to sleep and was trying to leave the house before the kids woke up.
I didn’t Try to stop him or argue, I was confused how he was that angry. The kids ended up waking before he left as was slamming doors and shouting at me. He eventually left and the kids very upset before school. I text him asking to let me know he was safe. He wanted to FaceTime the kids before school but I refused this.
he will be back after work.

I know he is struggling and I try and support the best I can. He really upsets me when he’s like it. He’s very angry and aggressive. Am I meant to suck up my feelings and just support him through crisis? Picking up the prices for the kids and explaining to them the best i can? We are walking on eggshells. Any wise people know what I should do?

thank you for reading, that was a long one!

It's very one sided isn't it?
It's difficult for both of you with three young children. Even if work is stressful for him it doesn't give him the right to sound off because you expect him to, quite rightly, fulfil his role as a parent.

How long have things been like this? Is he depressed? Everyone has stress but you can’t take it out on your partner & children. How is the communication between you two? Can you sit and have a frank conversation?

Thank you for your replies

he could be depressed. He did CBT a few years ago. He says he wouldn’t do it again as all they told him was to do more things he likes. Like fishing for 48 hours once a month.

we sat to talk tonight and it has resulted in him getting angry and smashing his phone.
he’s left the house again and I just don’t know what to do at the moment. He is so close to boiling point and his outbursts are violent (not physically towards me). I don’t know how to support him and support and protect the kids from it all. He isn’t violent towards them but, like this morning, see him screaming and shouting and leaving the house.

This sounds impossible and his behaviour is completely unfair on you and the kids. Does he recognise this? Or does he believe he has the right to make you all miserable when he’s not happy?

Could he take himself away for a few days to give him a break and a reset? If that wouldn’t make any difference then he need# to understand that he can’t just be a brat and shout and break things every time he’s stressed.

I think he does recognise this but then that feeds in to more self hate.

I feel like I’m just the wrong person to support him. My reason for posting really was to ask am I supposed to let him continue these outbursts and be sympathetic and understanding of them. Even when it is upsetting the kids and putting huge strain on me?.. is that being a good partner?.. or am I supposed to be making him get help, or telling his parents so they can help?.. I just don’t know.
im so bogged down by Trying to cope and hold everything together without him, I feel so confused.

As an example, Sunday he smashed up a shelf I asked him to put up in the kids room. Tonight he has smashed the baby monitor screen. Both times during times of crisis for him.
tonight he got angry because I told him our eldest was upset before school after seeing him leave the house the way she did at 6am as soon as she woke up

Poor OP. I’m afraid that is violence. He is trying to make you do what he wants by smashing things around you. Remember he would never do that at work, whatever the situation, so it’s not uncontrollable for him.

No, you don’t need to support that behaviour. It will get tougher in the short term if you show you don’t tolerate the behaviour, but it will be better in the long run.

That’s not ok. In three days he’s broken theee things in fits of rage and shouted at you all. It’s frightening and he needs to address it
has he tried medication?

he needs to address the causes of his stress and find better ways of dealing. Therapy can help with those outlets as well.

This shouting and violence would be a deal breaker for me. He may be stressed but that's no excuse for his intimidating behaviour. He's causing upset (and probably fear) to both you and your kids. You need to get tough. Either it stops or he moves out.

It is abuse- even if he isn't hitting you, smashing or breaking things in front of you is an act of intimidation that is completely unacceptable. It's awful to think how frightened the kids would be if they've seen him do that too.

I get what you're saying about the self hate feeding into the rage- it becomes a vicious cycle. Unfortunately he has learned this pattern of behaviour, and it takes time and a LOT of willpower to correct it and learn new ways of handling stress and anger- and that willpower has to come from him or no changes will happen.

Have you tried talking to him calmly about this when he's not in one of his moods? I know it's difficult to risk setting him off when he's not in a bad mood, but it's a price you need to pay as a first step or nothing will change. You need to have fixed in your mind what your goal is for the conversation - that he needs to agree that his behaviour is completely unacceptable, and that he needs help to stop, because he hasn't been able to do it by himself all this time.

He'll probably get angry, defensive, look for ways to blame you for it, minimise, deflect by bringing in other issues- but you have to stay on target of what you want the conversation to be about until you can get that point across and settled. It will probably take more than one conversation, realistically, for it to sink in and for him to admit to himself that he's being abusive and needs to change.

If you can't find the strength to face it, I do understand as I know at least a bit how hard it is, this kind of situation. But he will not change by himself, and there's a good chance his anger and outbursts will continue to get worse.

My heart goes out to you, I really hope you can find a way through this.

Whilst you clearly love him and want to support him, it is not your responsibility to tolerate violence while he has a breakdown. It’s only a small step between him destroying a piece of furniture and throwing it at you. And I agree with a PP that he’s managing to control his temper at work, meaning this behaviour at home is a choice.

First things first, safeguard your children. They must not be around this kind of anger and violence. Even if it isn’t directed at you or him, just witnessing it will be traumatic for them.

Then focus on your needs and ensure that you are being kind to yourself.

You can support and encourage him of course, but you don’t need to live in the same building as him to do that.

He’s very angry and aggressive.

That's completely unacceptable. He's got small children and you're all walking on eggshells. He's a grown man and he needs to shape up.

He needs to sort out whatever is causing stress. If he can't sort it out eg a bereavement then he needs to get counselling. If he refuses to do anything then ask him to leave until he does.

His violence is unacceptable .

But. I don’t understand why - if you know he is already under strain and likely to have a violent outburst - you would be asking him to put up a shelf - can’t you do that yourself ?
asking him to get up during the night when he has work and then after work telling him how much he upset the kids - all just seems to be unnecessary adding fuel to the fire .

Absolutely unacceptable behaviour. This is domestic abuse. Your children are witnessing/hearing it and you are distressed by it which will be impacting your ability to engage with them. Please contact a DA service for support. He may be stressed with work or whatever but there is no excuse for his behaviour

This is not OK. You need support and he needs to get urgent help or leave until he sorts himself out. He is putting you and your children in danger. You are not there to absorb his anger.

No OP. This is violence against you. Fuck him and his inability to handle his emotions. Make a plan. Get out. You don't need anyones permission but I suspect you posting so you can get some encouragement to do so. Any kind of smashing or shouting like this is a red card. Off the property for him until he can convince you he is a safe person for you and your children to be around. Kids wake up at night thats just what they do. Fuck him for these reactions and fuck this feeling you have to hold his hand when actually uou want to leave or him to leave. Do it.

Smashing things around the house is often part of domestic abuse. It's like showing you all "this could be you", it's intimidating and it's not acceptable.

He ought to stay with his parents or something until he figures out how to manage his anger and stop taking it out on his family.

I think appeasing him is the wrong path and you need to tell him not to come back until he sorts himself out.

I think he'll just get worse unless you take a stand. And maybe he is just a domestic abuser rather than 'poor little stressed guy'.

Your kids shouldn't grow up thinking all this anger and smashing the house up is normal.

you’re right, it wasn’t a good idea. He was having a good day. I thought it was quite a simple task. It’s a very normal thing to do. It was Mother’s Day and I was cooking a roast. Thought it would be quite simple.
this particular episode of stress has been ongoing since before Christmas. So sometimes, normal life should go on. But I shouldn’t have asked.

afterwards when he’s sorry, he says he gets mad because he has failed. It’s all just gone a bit out of control.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

This is why I feel so clouded, because I understand why he’s feeling angry but the outburst are unacceptable. He blamed me for part of yesterday, which a PP suggested, he did that last night, said I came at him aggressively (when I was asking him to leave- I also told him I would call the police).
I think he is having a breakdown and I can’t stop it.

Thank you for this, very helpful

Sounds EXACTLY like my childhood. My Dad never hit my Mum either, but there was the constant threat of violence and things getting smashed up. He was often remorseful the next day. Then the cycle would repeat. Many a night was spent, me and my sister on the landing, listening to it all, very frightened little girls.

My Mum never left my Dad, and she had a horrible retirement with him. She's passed away now, and me and my sister are left to care for my Dad. I'm 55 now and I still harbour resentment.

You need to leave him. This is not a good man. He's not helping you with the daily grind, and believe me, he is terrifying your children.

Like a previous poster said, he won't be having these outbursts at work, so he can control himself, he just doesn't respect you or your kids enough to regulate himself around you. The other poster who suggested that you were wrong for asking for a shelf to be put up, and that you should have done that whilst cooking a roast, is talking absolute nonsense!! You should not have to do EVERYTHING just to appease his man baby moods!

Please get out now, while you can.

I don’t agree with the poster you quoted. Those are perfectly normal requests in family life.

Please don’t get into the habit of placating him and making yourself into the household slave to avoid his outbursts. Apart from the damage to your self-esteem, it won’t work.

I know he hasn’t hit you or the children yet but it’s a small leap from being so angry that he breaks things, to being so angry that he throws something at you, or actually hits you.
I’d be telling him he either needs to get help immediately, or else he needs to go somewhere else.
Does he get angry with anyone else? Family? Work colleagues?
I really feel for you and your children but you can’t put up with this anymore

Thank you everyone.
I think I will reach out to his parents to get the ball rolling. He has a final counselling session which can’t be extended unfortunately due to our financial situation.I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

I too have experience of domestic violence as a child and it haunts me that my children could be in a similar situation. My experience is quite skewed as there was at times physical violence and I guess I’m just in the mindset that he has never hit me, so it can’t be that bad.

thank you everyone

Op please don't listen to this bollocks excusing violence.

You are not to blame for any violence ever.

His behaviour is awful. And dangerous. It sounds like it's escalating.