Did couples counselling help your ailing marriage?

[noideaoffuturenow]

Wondering if it's worth the time, effort and cost.

I went to counselling to support my break up - he was a nasty, control freak my ex and I wanted to build my confidence to leave. It did this, so it worked!

Yes, I was diagnosed with a life changing condition and probably not able to have children so the imagined future we had planned out was suddenly gone. Neither of us could handle the change in our relationship, I went from being able bodied to in pain and chronic fatigue so the whole dynamic of our relationship had shifted. There was anger, resentment and sadness from both of us.

How it helped, it reminded us that we were supposed to love each other, care for each other and how to communicate our wants and needs effectively. I can't speak for everyone but most of the time when a relationship goes to pot it is because of expectations. You expect your Dh to get out of bed to deal with a crying baby, his expectation is you are on maternity leave and he has work in the morning so that is your responsibility. Both of you seethe because you are not getting what you want but you haven't discussed it and if you have it is possibly from a negative you never get out of bed for the baby angle. Or the person feels attacked and immediately fights back or shuts down.

We went into it from a we love each other and want to be able to say we tried everything. I did manage to have 2 children and we have been married for 26 years now. We are stupidly happy because we had professional people walk us through communication techniques rather than what we had maybe seen from our own parents. So it worked for us and I am glad it did.

If you both want it, try it.
if one doesn’t feel comfortable or committed, I think nothing will come of it.
So if you both see there’s a problem and you both want to fix it together, it’s a yes.

Watching thread, just started this process and not sure it's going to make any difference to the ultimate outcome tbh

I will say that I think some people do seek it too late. It would be better when the relationship starts to slide rather than when it has slid for a long time and you or they feel like they are at the end. I still watch/research a lot of relationship stuff (Gottman Institute, Jimmy On Relationships on Youtube) and we still use the things we were taught, like what could I do to make your life easier? Plus we treat our relationship like we have been dating for 6 months. Talking to each other, no phones, taking time to connect.

I think also thinking about the alternative helps too. Talk it out, splitting up, telling everyone, potentially selling the house and what you can afford separately, splitting childcare, how will holidays work, Christmas, school parents' evenings etc. Some people just want out but don't think beyond the out. If you have already planned to leave etc then the counselling can potentially help the other person come to terms with it.

Yes, twice.

First time after the birth of our first child. I found the adjustment hard to motherhood hard but I took all my frustrations out on my DH. It took counselling to figure that out and I am so grateful for the support we got to bring us back together.

Second time when perimenopause hit me hard and I became angry and moody. I had over 13 symptoms and was really suffering and took it out on my marriage. Again I am glad we were able to get the right support. It costs a fortune but worth every penny, our current counsellor is amazing and this time round I think we'll keep having sessions for as long as we can afford it.