NC
Partner and I have been together almost 2 years. We have been talking about kids and I really want to go forward with that. He wants them but doesn't feel like we are ready and we are talking/trying to make a decision. I have been considering leaving (I'm late 30s) if he won't go forward.
He has always struggled with relationships generally. Always gets to a similar stage as we are (timing wise, not really kids - he's never got so far as this kids talk before) and then starts worrying if he really wants to be with this person for the rest of his life and the relationships have ended. Classic commitment issues.
So it has now come to light that last week he was really drunk on a work night out and messaged an ex of his to ask basically if things ever worked out for her (I think she'd last been in touch implying she was settling down and having kids with some guy she'd barely known..) and if she would be up for meeting up some time. They had (by his own admission) a really toxic on/off relationship. He's had other (good, healthy relationships since and before). I know he's always struggled with the final way it ended the last time and they'd never got closure, figured things out between them I guess. He was depressed and briefly saw a counsellor to try to deal with the relationship ending. This was about 6 years ago.
He didnt get a reply but she tried calling him when we were in bed together last night. I asked him about it and he didnt immediately admit it but eventually did and apologised profusely. He showed me the message when I asked and I could see that she had just tried calling him and then sent a message saying something like she'd be interested if he was.
I'm so devastated and trying to decide if I can move past this. I know the kids thing was the dealbreaker anyway (and I'm sure people will focus on that and say get out anyway) but I'm really trying to get advice on how/if we could move past the message to the ex? I guess I've just put the kids thing in to make it clear things havent been great, they've been full of stress and everything and him thinking a lot about past relationships and his challenges there etc and why he is like this about commitment and trying to make sense of it. So I guess I can kind of believe him about this and maybe that's genuinely part of (or all?!) why he messaged her..?
In case relevant, I have zero doubts about infidelity - we live together, I know his phone passcode, he's not secretive about it. I believe him that this was a one off and it makes sense in the context of where we are/convos we've had....but still.... not ok.