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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so angry. I keyed c*** on his car, but that isnt enough. Please support me....

46 replies

ratbunny · 14/05/2008 20:57

So looks like I am a lone parent now.
I moved out at 2am on monday night, after xh finally admitted he was seeing someone. I took my son to my mums, only stopping to key his car and his 2 thousand pound guitars.

I actually think he is going through a mid life crisis or nervous breakdown or something. He is not coping with life at all, spent no time with me and ds etc et cetc

His new woman is 10 yrs younger than him, and is ME 10 years ago. We even look alike. He has told many people it nevr got physical, and they only met twice outside work, etc etc, and he is quite possibly telling the truth.

But now he is pushing for separation, our house sells in 3 weeks so he has to find a flat, and all I can think is that when he is alone, guess who will be there with him. I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me, and the urge to go and kick her ass is SO strong I might just do it.

TBH I dont hink he knows what he wants. I dont know what I want. I am looking for a new house for me and ds.

Please tell me it will get easier.

OP posts:
theAfkaUrbanDryad · 15/05/2008 19:33

Jasper - the woman I used in my example didn't go to court, it was all dealt with at the police station.

I very much doubt he will press for criminal damage. And i stand by my statement that Rats was restrained - she could have done a lot more and a lot worse.

I'm on MSN most nights Rats, or you have my mobile. Give me a shout if there's anything i can do. xx

Lulumama · 15/05/2008 19:35

in my previous life i saw a woman prosecuted for just such a thing.. it happens..

good luck with everything, ratbunny, i am sure that at the moment it is very raw, but you will be ok x

littlewoman · 15/05/2008 20:53

I agree with UrbanD, it was incredibly restrained, because I'm sure in reality she wanted to murder him (know I did. Actually had to ban him from my house incase I stabbed him in the head. I kept having visions of it every time he turned his back on me ).

IF he took her to court over his car, after all he just did, he would truly be the most amazing git in the world.

madamez · 15/05/2008 21:01

Urbandryad, attacking someone in order to protect your child from assault is a very different matter both ethically and legally from attacking someone because they no longer want to have a relationship with you/have been having a reltaionship with an individual you thought of as your property.

Divastrop · 15/05/2008 21:19

i think having the desire to kick shit out of someone whos been at it with your husband while you were looking after the small child you had together is pretty natural,myself.acting on it would be wrong,but im pretty sure ratbunny is aware of that.

Original poster
ratbunny · 15/05/2008 21:37

madamez
...have been having a reltaionship with an individual you thought of as your property.
I certainly dont think of him as 'my property'.

I am pissed off at both of them because I AM HIS 15 MONTH OLD SON'S MOTHER. I look after him, nurture him, and have made lots of sacrifices so I can do so. What they have done to me, and breaking up my son's family is just F disrespectful.

OP posts:
georgiemama · 15/05/2008 21:49

ratbunny, chill. I don't usually get into personal things with posters but madamez adopts views so broad minded that I'm surprised she fits through doors. Except when people disagree with her, then she calls them scum.

You are doing really well. Don't sweat stuff on here, just hold on to each day and the importance of being strong for your DC. My DS is 14 months and it is the most incredible age, just try to find a little bit of joy in each day.

madamez · 15/05/2008 22:02

Having angry feelings is understandable, acting on them (ie assaulting others and damaging their property) is entirely unacceptable.

Miggsie · 15/05/2008 22:06

I always liked the story of the scorned wife who, while her husband was on a business trip (with mistress) sowed grass seed all over the house carpets, watered them and left.
He came back to find his carpets had a lovely lawn, and a tree in the bedroom.

Style.

clonx · 15/05/2008 22:19

love miggsies story!! So sorry you are going through this, but you sound like a strong woman who will come out the other side with your dignity and self respect( and of course your beautiful son) whilst he will be a sad, cliched middle aged fuckwit. Good luck xx

georgiemama · 15/05/2008 22:22

Frozen prawns inside the curtain poles much much better - they'd never find the source of the smell.

littlewoman · 15/05/2008 22:58

I don't understand why it is not acceptable to act on feelings of rage, when it is acceptable to act on feelings of lust. It seems a little one-sided.

You can't damage somebody's car, but to screw their head up is perfectly ok. The law's an ass.

Divastrop · 15/05/2008 23:06

good post,littlewoman

my personal view(as i am not overly-concerned with upholding the law)is that although its nice to imagine doing these things,or to read about these things having been done to other cheating twunts men,actually doing them would be stooping to their level.much better to keep your dignity and retain the moral high ground,then laugh at them when they get whats coming to them.

WileECoyote · 16/05/2008 01:06

Littlewoman, I agree entirely!

Ratbunny, congratulations on your restraint

I admire your strength, you are doing all the right things for you and your LO. Please don't slide too far into thoughts of revenge. I know it isn't easy but try to draw a line. You've made your views known to him and she doesn't deserve a second of time (in thought or reality) which could be spent with your LO. It's a slippery slope! From one who understands and is still wavering in and out of the virtual vengeance trap xx

spook · 16/05/2008 06:35

Ratbunny-I'm so so sorry what you're going through. FWIW you are doing unbelievably well. These first few weeks will be a bit of a blur and a rollercoaster ride. I actually think we go onto some sort of automatic pilot to look after DC's. I know I did.
As far as keying his car goes-so what. The anger you feel and incredible energy needs to be channelled. I screamed and cried for weeks (months ) You keyed his car. I can honestly tell you-4 years down the line that whenever I see his fucking porsche parked up somewhere I have vivid fantasies of writing cock across the bonnet in paintstripper!! It would give me SOOO much pleasure but I'm afraid he really would press charges. I think you're doing just fine and anger towards the other bint is also entirely natural....but at the end of the day he was the one in a relationship with a baby. (but I still hate her with a passion that takes my breath away sometimes!)
Anyway, finding a house is good. Stay strong.

laughalot · 16/05/2008 12:52

People are doing alot worse things in life than ratbunny keying his xh car give her a break her dh has been a dick and if it was me he would have had a brick through the windscreen.

PersephoneSnape · 16/05/2008 13:35

personally, i would bide my time, get back to normal, build a new loving home for myself and Dps and then paintstrip the car a few years down the line, when he might not necessarily relate it to me. revenge, being a dish best served cold and all that.

Rats, all the best with your wonderful new life!

Original poster
ratbunny · 17/05/2008 09:54

had a chat with h last night, after a friend made me realise that I basically went from married to single mum in the space of 2 hours. I felt I needed some closure so I could move on.

Well he maintains that he wasnt actually 'seeing' her. He met her outside work once, and then apparently that made him realise that he really wasnt happy at home and that something needed to be done. So, while things arent actually good they arent as bad as I had thought.

the long and the short of it is, that we cant live together. He wants his freedom and I want a family and we argue constantly. He is basically lazy when it comes to the household.

So I will move on. We have agredd to stay friends for the while. He is seeing ds, and for the first time in his life he was EARLY for something.

Not sure where things will go from here, but I hurt less.

OP posts:
littlewoman · 17/05/2008 11:14

I'm glad that you hurt less, RB. Wishing you strength ((()))

Miggsie · 17/05/2008 11:35

RB...he sounds very selfish, childish and lazy and you are well rid...although it will take a while for you to feel sanguine about things.
Once you get over your misery you will be able to meet men who actually do want a family and want to engage emotionally.

2Happy · 17/05/2008 15:05

Hey, RB, glad there's been something slightly less shitty for you. Did he mention the car?! Bet he soon discovers the grass isn't any greener, and he's been a selfish, immature dick; not that that helps

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