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Original poster

How to go about telling friend?

18 replies

BurtTheDurt · 01/04/2025 09:24

Bit long apologies!

Myself and DH went to a party last weekend, my best friend ‘Jane’ and her partner ‘Tom’ were also there, so were a few of DH’s friends. As we were chatting to Jane and Tom our friend ‘Fay’ came over to say hello, she had never met Jane before but it turned out she’d worked with Tom years ago. Fay asked Tom if he remembered her, he said yes but seemed uncomfortable, and left the conservation to use the loo. Around 10 minutes later Jane came over to me and DH (we’d gone to the bar) saying Tom felt unwell and wanted to head home so we said our goodbyes.

After they’d left Fay came to speak to us saying Tom had been awful to work with, he had constantly made suggestive comments to other women at work and one woman actually ended up leaving as he asked her out constantly and wouldn’t leave her alone. I’m 100% sure Jane doesn’t know about this, she’s been in abusive relationships in the past and won’t stand for any shit now.

So really I’m looking for some advice on what to say. Tom doesn’t like me (he’s made that pretty clear in the past as we have different views on things) so I’m concerned he’ll twist things to make it seem like I’m putting the boot in because we don’t really get on. He’s kind to my friend and wonderful with her kids so I don’t want to upset the apple cart but I’ve got to say something don’t I?

OP posts:
nwsw · 01/04/2025 09:27

I'd tell my friend for sure.

Fatrosrhun · 01/04/2025 09:28

Would your other friend that knew him meet you both and tell her for you?

lifeturnsonadime · 01/04/2025 09:30

Be very certain that if you tell your friend any of this you may find your friendship is no more.

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 01/04/2025 09:31

I wouldn't say anything. I'd leave well alone. Maybe he's changed/grown up. But in any case, If he hasn't, your friend will soon twig. No good will come of you telling gossip.

Clapometer · 01/04/2025 09:31

Was Tom with Jane when he was meant to be doing all this? Be careful passing on second hand information, Fay may have an agenda and you’ve no way to prove any of what she said is true. And you’re absolutely right, he’ll spin it to make you the bad guy. My personal instinct would be to want to tell her because I hate these kind of vile men, but it rarely ends well for the messenger. Maybe better to file the information and keep an eye on Jane and be there if she needs you?

GarrynotsoGorilla · 01/04/2025 09:32

@BurtTheDurt So as I read it, his behaviour has historically been questionable, but there is nothing that you are currently aware of that suggests he is in any way bad towards your friend?
If that's the case I would leave alone. Why shit stir about his past, it is his past. Just because you and he do not get on you shouldn't take that as a reason to inform her of other opinions that support your view. If he was bad towards her in any way then yes of course say. But he may have changed, and you will not get thanked for this.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 01/04/2025 09:33

I'm all for telling the woman if you know the man is having an affair or something, but in this situation, it's just hearsay, what I would do is spend more time with your friend and just be more of a friend to a show she knows she can always come to you if she's got any problems and you won't judge her but will help her.

He's good to her and her kids, Fay said he's a twat at work really isn't going to cut through that and it's only going to ruin your relationship and any way you could have possibly supported her if the shit hits the fan

Teeheehee1579 · 01/04/2025 09:33

Stay out of it - it’s all second or third hand from a likely slanted perspective. It for you to pass on.

Original poster
BurtTheDurt · 01/04/2025 09:35

Clapometer · 01/04/2025 09:31

Was Tom with Jane when he was meant to be doing all this? Be careful passing on second hand information, Fay may have an agenda and you’ve no way to prove any of what she said is true. And you’re absolutely right, he’ll spin it to make you the bad guy. My personal instinct would be to want to tell her because I hate these kind of vile men, but it rarely ends well for the messenger. Maybe better to file the information and keep an eye on Jane and be there if she needs you?

No this was years before. I definitely don’t think Fay has an agenda, she’d never met Jane before. The thing that makes me believe what Fay was saying is that Tom clearly didn’t want to speak to her and then hurriedly left the party. I very much doubt Fay has any designs on Tom as he is pretty much the opposite of her type plus she is very happily married.

OP posts:
Original poster
BurtTheDurt · 01/04/2025 09:36

GarrynotsoGorilla · 01/04/2025 09:32

@BurtTheDurt So as I read it, his behaviour has historically been questionable, but there is nothing that you are currently aware of that suggests he is in any way bad towards your friend?
If that's the case I would leave alone. Why shit stir about his past, it is his past. Just because you and he do not get on you shouldn't take that as a reason to inform her of other opinions that support your view. If he was bad towards her in any way then yes of course say. But he may have changed, and you will not get thanked for this.

Edited

That’s true thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BurtTheDurt · 01/04/2025 09:38

SpringIsSpringing25 · 01/04/2025 09:33

I'm all for telling the woman if you know the man is having an affair or something, but in this situation, it's just hearsay, what I would do is spend more time with your friend and just be more of a friend to a show she knows she can always come to you if she's got any problems and you won't judge her but will help her.

He's good to her and her kids, Fay said he's a twat at work really isn't going to cut through that and it's only going to ruin your relationship and any way you could have possibly supported her if the shit hits the fan

Thank you!

OP posts:
CarrieOnComplaining · 01/04/2025 09:46

So trust Jane not to be putting up with shit now.

I wouldn’t be stirring up ancient pre-their-relationship hearsay.

AlexaAdventuress · 01/04/2025 09:47

Like some other posters above, I'd be a bit circumspect about contributing to the drama. I've been the subject of rumour mongering myself and it's hard to deflect! Some people just like creating drama and chaos.

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 09:52

Of course you shouldn't say anything. And you have NO Idea what Fay's agenda may be. This was a) before he was with Jane and b) something you canot prove/disprove c) not related to his relationship with Jane at all.

It sounds like the dislike tom has for you is mutual ifyou're so keen to blow up his life so quickly. Here are a few things, off the top of my head, I can think of that might have happened:

1 Tom was a complete dick at work, he knows it, he's embarassed and/or was asked to leave. It is in the past.

2 Tom was a complete dick at work and is still a dick at work and he's embarrassed. But you can't prove that and it's not your problem.

3 Tom and Fay had a fling and it ended badly. Fay is pissed.

4 Tom came onto Fay but she wasn't interested and it ended badly. Tom is pissed.

5 Fay has never liked Tom and saw an opportunity to bad mouth him.

6 Fay was into Tom and he rejected her and she is pissed.

7 Tom was a bit of a lad about town and reflecting back realises he was a wanker.

Psychoticbreak · 01/04/2025 10:03

Keep out of it. You have no idea if Fay is telling the truth or not.

winter8090 · 01/04/2025 11:30

Goodness do not get involved in this.
It was years ago before he even met your friend and by your own admission he treats your friend well.
Stay well out of it.

Atsocta · 23/09/2025 07:32

Mind your own business….

Lighteningstrikes · 23/09/2025 07:41

Exactly what’s your motive if they are very happy and he’s good to her kids etc?

Think very carefully before you go shit stirring with third hand information.

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