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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL asked my husband if she looked hot?

14 replies

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:30

MIL has quite clearly been leaning on her son (my husband) for emotional support. She likes to make him feel superior, like he can do no wrong. The ex husband called her an enabler, and she often made the dad look bad when he would tell my husband off as a child even when he was just trying to discipline him.

she tells everyone (including my mum) her children are “her world and she has dedicated her entire life for them (even though she hasn’t and moved into several men’s houses leaving my husband homeless at 17)

anyway, there has been so many events I can name a few below if you want to read on, but most recently I want to get your view on Saturday, she arrives and she is a master manipulator. She says to my husband “oh I wasn’t sure how I looked today, I feel like I look really bad” and my husbands friend was there. Both men rush to reassure/validate her (something my husband struggles to do for me weirdly) and says “oh no mum you look fine, I saw you at a distance and thought you look fine” and the other friend says “yes mum you look hot, you always look hot” at this point I’m uncomfortable as this is a 60 year old woman looking for 30 year old men’s compliments. She then replies to my husband “oh thanks - JUST FINE???” And the friend proceeds to say well he can’t really say you look hot he’s your son then I weighed in because i felt super uncomfortable saying “yes you birthed him and grew him in your stomach, he can’t really say you look hot? You pushed him out of you” to remind her she is a mother not a partner lol.

she then says to me, well what would you do if he said you look just fine??! I said… he does sometimes. I wish I replied and said he’s allowed to say I look hot in his wife.

im so sick of these silly games but has anyone experienced a 60 year old master manipulator mother in law that looks for her son for validation? Im slowly opening my husbands eyes but its just getting strange now. Her eyes light up when she sees him and she hates me for taking him away, she often cries when we go over there saying she misses him, he never calls her anymore, and tries to get reactions out of me telling me “he said he missed me last week, and that’s all I have to hold on too” whilst crying?

when I asked my husband if he even said that he said no. She said I miss you and he said it back.

is no reaction the best reaction? I used to rise to it but I’m finding some inner peace lately to not even react and just laugh at her in my head.

OP posts:
ThriveIn2025 · 31/03/2025 16:36

You pushed him out of you
I find this comment more offensive than her hot comment. Tbh you sound as bad as each other.

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:37

ThriveIn2025 · 31/03/2025 16:36

You pushed him out of you
I find this comment more offensive than her hot comment. Tbh you sound as bad as each other.

Is that offensive or the truth? I’m confused how that would be offensive. She did grow him inside of her and gave birth to him. It’s so hard not to react I have bad years of therapy and the traits I am seeing are so unhealthy and toxic.

please bear in mind this was the one time I reacted after 4 hours of comments like this on the day.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 31/03/2025 16:43

You should just smile and ignore, not engage in competitive tit for tat which is what you did and saying she pushed him out was a bit inappropriate. Just ignore her

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/03/2025 16:45

Getting major Liz McDonald vibes from your batshit MIL.
I am not far off her age. Don’t have kids but my OH has a DS your son’s age. We aren’t related, but we get on very well. If it’s an occasion he will say oh, you look very smart, Peggy. And that’s very appropriate.
I can’t imagine trying to shoehorn comments about being hot from any young man, never mind a son!
She’s clearly experiencing issues. Chaotic, got her validation from men and is now homing in on her son for it.
Let her get on with it. At 60, she should still be living a full life with her own friends not crying over her son.

MIL asked my husband if she looked hot?
WearyAuldWumman · 31/03/2025 16:47

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:37

Is that offensive or the truth? I’m confused how that would be offensive. She did grow him inside of her and gave birth to him. It’s so hard not to react I have bad years of therapy and the traits I am seeing are so unhealthy and toxic.

please bear in mind this was the one time I reacted after 4 hours of comments like this on the day.

Under the circumstances, I don't blame you.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/03/2025 16:49

Agree with others I think you just smile & ignore here. I also don’t actually think asking her son if she looks okay is that inappropriate? My mum & gran both say this to me and I’ve never thought anything of it, and “fine” is a bit naff, I can well imagine my gran saying “just fine!”

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:50

WearyAuldWumman · 31/03/2025 16:47

Under the circumstances, I don't blame you.

Thank you. I have really been trying to not react. It’s hard when I feel so uncomfortable and have had years of therapy to pick up on these things.

do you have a view on her behavior or any advice on how to handle it?

im pregnant… so im worried about how to manage this going forward. She doesn’t know yet. She cried when we told her we are getting married so I’m not expecting our baby news to be positive.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 31/03/2025 16:50

She's looking to her son to provide the emotional support and validation one gets from their partner or spouse. That's emotional incest and that's why you're getting grossed out.

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 31/03/2025 16:50

I would just be doing eye rolls at her, she is weirdly needy in so many ways.
Just stay quiet and rise above it.

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:51

outerspacepotato · 31/03/2025 16:50

She's looking to her son to provide the emotional support and validation one gets from their partner or spouse. That's emotional incest and that's why you're getting grossed out.

YES to this. Yes yes yes. How do I stop or even try to manage this? Ugh.

OP posts:
Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:52

outerspacepotato · 31/03/2025 16:50

She's looking to her son to provide the emotional support and validation one gets from their partner or spouse. That's emotional incest and that's why you're getting grossed out.

The sad part is, my husband feels more comfortable and I can see it’s more natural for him to reassure and validate her, than it is me. He has like a mental block when I need validation and reassurance. Almost like he is cheating on his mother.

OP posts:
Springforwardatlast · 31/03/2025 17:02

I would struggle to be in the same room as her tbh.
It's seriously weird behaviour and your DH should refuse to play her mind games and remember you are his wife, not her.

outerspacepotato · 31/03/2025 17:13

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:51

YES to this. Yes yes yes. How do I stop or even try to manage this? Ugh.

Hard Boundaries and lots of therapy.

Does he recognize that she's using him as a surrogate spouse? If so, he can say things like

"Mom, that's inappropriate."

"Mom, I'm your son, not your boyfriend. Ew."

Ask him who he made vows to. Why is he prioritizing his mom over his wife?

Do some research yourself on emotional incest and see if you recognize those behaviours.

WearyAuldWumman · 31/03/2025 17:26

Oliveover28 · 31/03/2025 16:50

Thank you. I have really been trying to not react. It’s hard when I feel so uncomfortable and have had years of therapy to pick up on these things.

do you have a view on her behavior or any advice on how to handle it?

im pregnant… so im worried about how to manage this going forward. She doesn’t know yet. She cried when we told her we are getting married so I’m not expecting our baby news to be positive.

The only thing that I can suggest is to use the grey rock method as much as you possibly can.

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