Walking out during an argument

[WhiskeyTangoAlfaFoxtrot]

Boyfriend of 2 years has an annoying habit of fleeing during a disagreement or arguement. We live separately and any time I try for an honest discussion about something which affects us both he gets the hump. Instead of staying to conclude discussion, he makes it worse, prolonging the disagreement by leaving in anger. This has happened loads of times, I've explained that I find this really damaging and leaves me with relationship doubts and feelings of abandonment. He recognises this is a rubbish coping strategy, and sometimes he can overcome the urge, or he will leave and come back and apologise when he's cooled off (but not often). However he hasn't stopped doing it despite knowing how I feel. This happened again at the end of last week, he left in a blaze of relationship freakout, and I've not heard from him since (4 days). I've not contacted him either as he said some hurtful things to me which I think he should apologise for, but I'm fed up always being the one to explain to him in black and white, or open discussion so he has a space to apologise. I love him and don't want to leave him, but I'm going through a difficult bit of life at the moment and I feel he should be supporting me, but instead he keeps leaving me and I just don't know what else to say to him about it that I haven't told him 10 times already. What do you all think?

Unless he recognises it as a problem and is willing to engage with therapy over a significant number of months to understand the causes and work on changing his coping mechanisms, it's very unlikely he'll ever stop doing it.

It's a (dysfunctional) coping strategy, it will probably have roots in childhood, and however much he may logically understand it's a rubbish strategy, it's very unlikely he'll be able to withstand the urge to do what makes him feel "safe" when triggered into fight or flight....

I've dated one of these in the past - it didn't get any better, in the end you'll probably need to leave as nothing will ever get resolved and it's a death by a thousand emotional cuts kind of scenario.

It could have been me writing this! I had the same with a guy who could never have any kind of even slightly challenging or difficult conversations without leaving, ending it and ghosting me. He’d never be the one to make contact or apologise afterwards and the most I got when trying to work things through was that he shuts down and can’t deal with things.
When I stopped trying to work things out, because he’d really overstepped the mark and was truly nasty to me, I never heard from him again. I knew he’d never apologise or make contact as I just wasn’t that important to him, despite years of history together.

I know now that’s an avoidant personality type and it can only be worked through with counselling or the willingness to change. You can’t affect this behaviour at all. Decide what you want your life to look like and if it’s not this then leave. You can’t live like this.

Which is it? A discussion or an argument? You say he needs to 'cool off' - does he have a bad temper?

It's not looking good. The silent treatment is a way of punishing you and training you to stop challenging him.

If he can't have a discussion without losing his temper then how do you resolve anything?

He can't handle disagreement. This is a major issue and he's not going to change unless he goes to therapy for some time.

Let him go and let him stay mad and gone. You can't do his work for him. Every time you talk him into returning, you're reinforcing this pattern.

My ex-h didn't walk out, but basically said 'if you don't like it, you know what you can do'
I was with him for 20 years.when I got together with my now DH, he used to get a little frustrated at my inability to communicate, I had to relearn how to communicate when I was upset/didn't agree etc..

Well, you accept it so he's not going to change. And I will put money on the fact that by the time he comes back the original argument is forgotten and so not resolved (x1000 if the original argument was because of his behaviour) and/or that when he returns and you tell him how you feel he plays the victim?

Run now while you still canbecause this is abusive and controlling behaviour. He is making it clear that when you challenge him, you will be punished. He is nesuring that nothing eer changes that he does not want to change. Life will only get worse with a man like this.

Can you imagine? you have children and there's an argument about whose turn it is to do bedtime and he just leaves. For 3 days? Or you're frustrated because he never does any of the washing, leaving it all to you, so he leaves. And when he comes back, you choose to simply do all the ashing because it's not worth the drama of him leaving.... And so it goes on.

I love him and don't want to leave him, but I'm going through a difficult bit of life at the moment and I feel he should be supporting me, but instead he keeps leaving me and I just don't know what else to say to him about it that I haven't told him 10 times already.

He's giving you the silent treatment which is an emotionally abusive behaviour. He keeps pressing the emergency eject button every time there's conflict.

You get over love. It's short term pain.

A future with a man who does this means every time you need support or when you disagree, is going to be long term pain.

Crikey, you don't want to spend your life dancing around things in case he throws a strop or walks out - you deserve someone you can rely on.

It’s not working and people like this are soul destroying. Even if you coax him around, which you should never have to do, you’ll only be settling until the next time you want a discussion and it happens again. Eventually you’ll stop bothering as you tip toe around him.

I had a relationship similar to this and I’d never do it again.

It's a typical control technique to walk out of a discussion or argument leaving issues unresolved. Then when he returns, you are expected to apologise for "upsetting" him. It cleverly puts you always in the wrong, never getting all of your points or concerns across, and frequently having to give way to his views so he isn't "upset" again.

It means that whatever you think or feel is never as important or valid as what he wants. It's no way to live for the rest of your life, and he won't change, because in reality the technique does work, he does get his own way, you do agree to what he wants.

If you stay with him you will spend years of your life being controlled by his abusive behaviour.

I would first question why you're having so many arguments. You say you love him but this doesn't sound good for either of you. What are you arguing about? Why does it get so heated?

Good relationships don't have lots of disagreements or arguments to have even enabled someone to keep walking out.

This relationship is not right for either of you. He is being emotionally abusive to you.

Why are you so desperate to remain in a relationship with such a highly dysfunctional man child?

Do you honestly think this is going to have a happy ending?
You are in denial and need to wake up.

He is a disaster and you are completely wasting your time.

He is a controlling, manipulative person, I’m afraid, and his behaviour gets him exactly what he wants. The only way to resolve this is to stop reacting the way you usually do to his emotionally stunted behaviour - and this might mean calling it a day. I speak from experience.

Run a mile, he will destroy you mentally and you will never be able to rely on him. I’m still trying to divorce a man like this and I’m sure that’s not the only abusive trait he has OP. You deserve so much better x

I am a massive conflict avoider. Hands up. I shut down. Absorb so much then blow up usually ending a relationship and letting toxic situations blow up not communicating and then significant issues becoming bigger and bigger. I can't talk about issues with men I really can't. I don't know why. But I can work through things with family just not men. Often I feel I need another person there so I can talk openly and work it out like a mediator as an example. I have no idea how to change.

You have been together 2 years and this has happened "loads of times". You should be in the honeymoon period of being on your best behaviour and trying to impress each other. Not having loads of arguments. It won't get better when you start living together and need to compromise on who is paying the gas bill and clean the toilet. No to mention if you have children! Get out of this before you get embroiled in something that is more difficult to extract yourself from

I’d bin him off you don’t sound at all compatible

Omni disappointed here😩