Name change for this one, but I've been around for about 15 years.
I am part of a large mixed social group loosely connected to a voluntary activity that some of us are or have been involved with. DH is not as sociable as me, so he is not involved with this activity or the group, but we are happily married and celebrated our 20th anniversary recently. Our marriage is not 'open', but it is relaxed and generally I have not issue with DH's female friends and he has no issue with my male friends.
Another member of the group is John whose wife died swiftly and brutally last summer. I like John well enough in a social context, but I do not find him in any way attractive and even if I were single, I would have no interest in him. DH is fully aware of this.
At John's DW's funeral I promised his DS that I would keep an eye on John and make sure he was all right and this I have done face to face as part of the group and via text message. His DS lives 200 miles away and I thought this was a reasonable thing to do. We kept in touch by text message and would probably see each other in a group two or three times a week. DH has always known about this and had no concerns.
John went away over Christmas and since he came back everything has changed. He now tells me that he loves me and has done for several years, going back to when his DW was alive. This has made me very uncomfortable.I liked his DW a lot and think this was very unfair to her and her memory. He keeps trying to get me to meet him alone, which I will not do. Indeed I would not do it even if I could. It feels like it is becoming a constant tussle, with John trying to push the boundaries and me pushing back. I have not told DH about this bit, He has ongoing health problems and I don't want to upset him. I have told John repeatedly that this is not on. He says he understands, backs off and then a couple of days later it all starts again.
Things have now come to a head because John has told another member of the group about his feelings for me. I was absolutely horrified, but it has brought things to a head. This has to stop. I have received a number of text messages over the weekend, which I have not opened. From the previews, it seems John thinks our 'relationship' is now over, although as far as I am concerned, there never was a relationship. At some point I have to open those messages and respond in some way, but how?
Twenty years ago I was stalked by a neighbour, who appeared to believe erroneously that we had been in a relationship at a time when I was already with now DH. I endured three years of abuse from him, while simultaneously being victim blamed and intimidated by the Police. I had to leave my home in the end and moved in with DH, because it was not safe for me to stay. The current situation feels a bit like how that started, which is making me very nervous.
Five years ago I met up a couple of times during lockdown with a work colleague. As soon as he started telling me some very personal things about his marriage, I walked away. Literally. Two days later he died in a freak accident. I still haven't processed that.
I can sit here and fret about it all or I can ask for advice. I know what I need to do. I just don't quite know how to do it so that it sticks and so that I don't have to give up my entire social life and years of voluntary work because of someone else's unwelcome and unsolicited behaviour.
Anyone please? Thank you.