How do I forget him?

[Absfab96]

Hi all,

Appreciate you taking the time to read my post.

I dated a guy a couple of years ago, very briefly. We slept together a couple of times and looking back I lowered my standards massively and should never have entertained him like I did. He treated me like dirt in the end, ghosted me numerous times even when he would be the one to reach out in the first place after months of no contact. The last time I was in his house I honestly felt like as soon as he got what he wanted from me he couldn’t get me out the door fast enough.

I know this wasn’t love. But from the day I met him I have been obsessed with him. I think the obsession is me reeling from the ultimate rejection and unkind way he treated me, maybe it’s emotional anxiety attachment or something I don’t know.

Anyway, for 2 years I have been unable to get on with my life normally. Every waking hour and every hour I try to sleep he is there on my mind. I replay old conversations and situations with him, I overthink every single little detail. He is almost 34 and has never actually had a real relationship which at the time (he was 32) then, I did find a bit strange but know that everyone is different.

I know he has dated other people as he mentioned he’d been on numerous dates before and I’m certain he has been on dates since being out with me. I used to obsess over his WhatsApp activity bur recently lost access to it as he must’ve deleted my number so I can no longer see when he is online etc. But now…it is Facebook.

Over the last number of weeks I have noticed his messenger activity has increased massively. He is online a lot more than usual, and for much longer periods of time. I haven’t seen him adding any new friends but know he has been on holiday twice in that time because of his Facebook posts. I am glued to my phone watching his activity, trying to find gaps and trying to see if he has added anyone new and I have sunk into a horrible depression period of constant anxiety. I fear that he is chatting someone up and it is only a matter of days before he goes on a date and I see a new friend added.

i know in my own heart that I should delete him. but I also know how my mind works and I will drive myself crazy if I never know who this person is. So my intention is to keep him as a friend for another week or so to see who she is.

I know this is stupid behaviour and I am beating myself up by choice every day. I am looking for some advice please. Do any of you have similar experiences? And have you ever unfriended someone and have it help with your mental state and mood etc?

I am just so scared that if I unfriend him now it will make me worse because then I have lost all control of seeing when he is online and if he has any new friends etc. I don’t know where to turn right now, I really need some kind but honest help please.

I say this with kindness - block this man. Delete the whole cursed app unless you need it for something else.

Your obsession with him is a symptom for something else in your life that is wrong and you wont be able to improve things worrying about this fella.

"And have you ever unfriended someone and have it help with your mental state and mood etc?" - 100 times yes.

Look into limerence OP.

We dont forget people we just forget we had feelings for them then they become unimportant to us.

Sounds like limerance - can also be caused by depression! Maybe go to go and get your head in a good place and see how you feel! It’s like your brain is addicted to the old feelings you had early on in the relationship when you felt amazing so it’s dopamine mining from that! I

Two years, OP. Wow. This simply has to stop. A cruel man, who likely gives you no thought at all, is still ruling and ruining your life. Why are you allowing that to happen?

It's not about him it's about something else and your mind is fixated on him to distract you from whatever void you have.

I've been there albeit a lot more mildly and I was depressed. It was a symptom of my depression. X

You need to be strong and delete him OP. Keep reminding yourself that it is essential for your healing. Also, get busy. Find a new hobby or two. Preferably something social that gets you out of the house and meeting people.

How did you get into this situation? Did he love bomb and then ghost?

I’m not sure I would call it love bombing but his behaviour was definitely strange. On our first date he was all over me. Holding my hand, kissing me in public, playing with my hair etc. I got the impression he was smitten and then the next day I didn’t even get a text from him. And then I guess it was just crumbs the rest of the time. Nor speaking for months then reaching out using me and ghosting again. Bigger fool me for letting it happen and I can see that now.

I've experienced this including the obsessive need to check their social media. Its horrible and you end up feeling trapped in a never-ending cycle of misery.

Block him, go on lots of dates, and speak to a therapist. PLEASE. You are simply hurting yourself. None of this is healthy and it's also preventing you from forming a healthy attachment to someone who could make a great partner to you.

It’s not your fault OP, he was a dick. Unfortunately it’s very common for men to behave like this in order to get what they want, without any consideration to the impact on the other person. When men do this, it can create cognitive dissonance. Two competing versions of reality. One in which he’s perfect and into you, and one in which he’s using you. The same thing happens to people in abusive relationships and to people who join cults. You want to believe the first reality, and all evidence to the contrary causes anxiety and distress, so you dismiss or try to justify it. The problem is that the more you do this, the further down the rabbit hole you go, and more distressing it will be when you eventually have to accept the second reality. You have been lying to and betraying yourself. You aren’t the first person to experience this, it’s a natural phenomenon. You need to learn to forgive yourself and recognise that the problem is with him, not with you.

By engaging in this obsessive behaviour, you are preventing yourself from healing. Why do you care what he’s doing or who he’s dating? What difference does it make to your life? I think you are doing this because you haven’t completely let go of the first reality, and checking up on him is a way to feel connected. You need to rip off the plaster, delete him everywhere, and focus your energy back on you. He is never going to bring anything positive into your life. One day, when you’re older, you’ll look back on this and regret every moment of your precious life that you wasted on someone who doesn’t care about you. Know that you are worth more than this.

Your head is only going to get straight if you completely block and delete, unfriend, whatever. Delete all past conversations, throw away anything you had from him. I'm not a fan of therapy but if it helps you, then do it, because it sounds like you're not going to be able to get on with your life until his shadow is gone.

Hot cold behaviour has a tendency to get you hooked. Thats because you don't know what's coming next, when you'll hear from them and it can be euphoric to hear from them.

I would say block and delete but I can tell you're not there yet.

It is sad that two years of your life has been spent like this. Again, I would say that that's two years you could have been with someone who wants to be with you, but again you're not there yet.

This is a way of hanging on to the connection with him. Or the connection you thought you had with him. You don't have him in your life any more.So all you have is watching him online. It's become unhealthy though.

What does the rest of your life look like. You have to try and get on with life even if you just gradually.Try and stop thinking about him so much. Do you have a job?Do you have friends?Do you have other things you can do. Can you go out with some friends and try and get your mind off him. You need to try something.

From your post all I know about is this man - when he’s online, he’s been on holiday twice etc.
You have absolutely lost yourself in this headspace where you don’t matter.
I think posters can say block and delete as much as they like, it sounds like you need professional mental health help. Because these behaviours are seriously, seriously unhealthy.
And while this man treated you badly he doesn’t deserve to have his life pored over like this. You are infringing his privacy by checking his life like this.
Here’s the thing - he’s a symptom. It will go back further than him to previous experiences in your life which have led you here. I am not going to pry and ask, but whatever it is, you need someone professional to talk to.
You deserve your own life, where you set a standard. Where you only tolerate being treated decently, where you have your own friends and interests. You deserve to be loved and cared for.
How do you start? As painful as it is, it’s removing this man. It’s become like an addiction for you.
He has hurt you very badly. You deserve so much more.

Please get some professional help. This level of obsession is not normal. There is a whole world out there for you to enjoy. Please don't waste more years on this non person. Blocking is the way to go but it sounds like you are going to need support with this or else you will just end up obsessing about the blocking. It really is time to move on. Nothing good can come from this situation

This post nails it. I've been there, it was suffocating and understanding what it was helped me to overcome it. For your own sake block, seek support and move on.

Think of it less like a romantic relationship and more like OCD. Cut off your ability to obsess by removing him as a freind and deleting everything. If you cut off your ability to obsess you'll reduce your ability to go back and keep picking it over.