How the hell do you have the conversation when you know in your heart that it’s over

[ICanTellYouMissMe]

We’ve been married for well over a decade, two kids, and the relationship has just…died. I don’t think I want to fix it. I think I’d be better off alone.

But - of course, the kids. So I should try.

How did any of you have the conversation? Did you try counselling? Even if you know deep down that you want to move on?

I’m sad and lonely and terrified that the words are going to come pouring out when I least expect it; I feel that I need to open the conversation knowing what I want to say, but how, what, the hell do I do?!

I am getting to panic attack stage, and I’ve never felt like this before. Please please can someone give me some advice before I go mad.

Been there and got the t'shirt three times sadly. Each one different as you just can't plan exactly how the conversation goes. But each start with 'I'm not happy and I think we should separate'. And then wait for the response.
However, I did try counselling on the first two. The first was merely to facilitate saying I wanted to separate (I was too scared to tell him on my own). The counsellor was horrible and left me in tears.
The second time - I really thought it would help us work things out but he turned everything against me, and again the counsellor was horrible and left me in tears. Both times the counsellors were female and seemed charmed by the (now) ex's. I'm not discrediting the whole counselling community, it's just my experience.

There is no easy way or a right time. Once you've got those hard words out though, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted. It's going to be hard, emotional and make you question everything plus dealing with their emotions etc. However, just ask yourself, can you imagine being where you are this time next year if you don't say anything - how does that make you feel?

Thank you so much for replying.

Thats exactly it - I know I don’t want to be here this time next year. I knew it when he was a massive prick on Christmas Day tbh.

The kids are my concern; one is autistic and while she is doing brilliantly and you’d really never know how she has struggled in the past, she cannot cope with change. And this is THE change isn’t it?

I am happy for it all to be my fault; I’ve changed a lot and we just don’t fit together any more. I’ll hold my hands up willingly to that, but it’s more the practicalities isn’t it…I don’t even know where to start with that, and I suspect that, although he is deep down a good guy, he’ll lash out by telling me that I’ll have to figure it out myself. I’ve let him control our finances completely which is, I now realise, a massive mistake.

What did he do on Christmas Day?

It's a classic thing that a certain type of man seems to do, to ruin special days like Christmas and birthdays.

My advice is, before you say anything, get a handle on your joint finances. You need to know this information. If he won't tell you, you'll have to go snooping. Where will you and the kids live, once it's all ending? You need to be prepared in practical terms. Do you work?

Absolutely get your ducks in a row before you say anything. You have no idea of the reaction you'll get so you must protect yourself and your children financially.