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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse

21 replies

MacForCrac · 30/03/2025 21:02

Feel like I’m going mad. Me and DP have been planning on doing some DIY in our house, but life has got in the way, work full time etc. I have a friend who DP doesn’t really like (for small reasons, finds her bossy and a bit brash but they’ve only
met a handful of times). I have plans with my friend on Tuesday, I mentioned about this little bit of DIY and she said oh I’ll come and help with that so great, get it done and see my friend at the same time.

He’s gone mad over it! Hasn’t spoken to me all afternoon, has literally spent the afternoon upstairs doing god knows what. I tried to speak to him about it and he basically said he felt like I was saying he was crap at diy and didn’t ’appreciate’ me telling her this and her having to come over to get it done. We literally haven’t spoken since 1oclock

he does this now and again, and it’s always over small things. He’s not controlling/funny about my friends, I have a very active social life, we have friends around all the time, I go out all the time. But like I say he does this now and again over the smallest things, takes great offence and doesn’t speak to me

I have a DS (from previous relationship) and we’ve had a lovely day but he’s in bed now and I’m sat here and it’s suddenly just hit me that this is emotional abuse? Especially as he doesn’t do it to anyone else, he has 3 sisters, loads of mates etc and I just think god if they could see him now?

OP posts:

DearBee · 30/03/2025 21:29

Doesn't sound like emotional abuse to me. Unless there is more you are not saying.

If he's not funny about your friends in general but just doesn't get on with this one... I personally wouldn't like it either if my husband and I had been planning to do some work on our house and instead he invited a friend over, one he knew I didn't really like, to do it with him.

Is he entirely refusing to talk, or are you both not speaking to each other?

BlackStrayCat · 30/03/2025 21:31

no. nothing like.

JanFebAndOnwards · 30/03/2025 21:33

What else has caused him to be like this then, can you describe some other occasions?

Maitri108 · 30/03/2025 21:34

Yes the silent treatment is considered emotional abuse.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 30/03/2025 21:37

Maitri108 · 30/03/2025 21:34

Yes the silent treatment is considered emotional abuse.

This!

BlackStrayCat · 30/03/2025 21:38

He is irritated. It is irritating behaviour (shown by OP)

Ex H was arrested for emotional abuse and THIS is NOT THAT fgs.

b0zza1 · 30/03/2025 21:38

Reminds me of my ex. He was emotionally abusive, I didn't realise because I had a good social life. Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. I think he might give away free pdfs of the book online.

StrawberryWater · 30/03/2025 21:48

Yes he is.

Silent treatment is abuse.

Does he have issues with any of your other friends?

Original poster

MacForCrac · 30/03/2025 21:53

thanks for the replies. Just to give some more examples-

A few weeks ago we had plans on the Saturday morning (tickets booked and paid for), he went out for a a few drinks on the Friday, ended up getting absolutely hammered, wouldn’t/couldn’t get up to go to what we had planned (my DS was with his dad so not there). I told him I was disappointed he’d got into such a state when he knew we had to be up and out early but made him a coffee, got him paracetamol etc and went out anyway. He didn’t speak to me all weekend, literally not one word. If I entered the room he left the room

I work a really emotionally draining job (I’m a palliative care lead). I never bring my work home with me but I came home last week after a particularly hard day which was also the anniversary of a loved one’s death. I got home and burst into tears and instead of offering me any comfort he told me I was stupid for letting my self get upset and then didn’t speak to me all evening (not too sure what I’d done to annoy him this time)

Accidentally washed a pen with one of his shirts and got ink on it. Immediately apologised and offered to pay for a replacement, he hit the roof over this and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. Refused my offer of replacement (it was a shirt from
Next so easily replaced)

I had a bit of a run in with a man in a car park , I was upset when I got home to tell him. He shouted at me and told me I needed to stand up for myself and that it ‘pissed him off I let people speak to me like that’. Whilst he was speaking to me like that?

He’s injured so can’t play football at the minute (he plays for Sunday league). This meant he missed a big game that he’d been looking forward to. I asked him if he was ok and tried to offer him reassurance. This annoyed him and again, silent treatment

that’s just a few off the top of my head. If he’s annoyed about anything (work, family issues, football etc) he goes totally silent. Recently did a 3 hours drive where he didn’t speak a word to me. He was then his lovely, normal self infront of his family then got back in the car, again silent treatment. If I try to tell him his silent treatment/one word answers make me feel anxious, he tells me I’m making it all
about myself.

Yet his family/friends/colleagues NEVER see this side of him. They would be gobsmacked if they saw it. Everyone is always telling me how lucky I am and what a good guy he is. Which he is, most of the time. Then bam, he’s like this

OP posts:

Original poster

MacForCrac · 30/03/2025 21:56

The work we have been planning on doing is literally putting a mirror and 2 shelves up in the bathroom. We’ve been in this house 10 months and the mirrors etc have been resting against the wall all that time. I’ve asked him numerous occasions to put them
up (he doesn’t trust me to do it) and like I say, life just gets in the way. I’m off work this week and thought right, I’m getting them up. My friend is a property developer and does loads of the work herself so when I said come round for some dinner and mentioned I’m determined to get these bit ups (i’m more than competent, I lived alone with DS for years and did all my own stuff but DP is paranoid I’ll somehow knock the house done with I so much as put a nail in the wall) she said oh I can help when I come round

OP posts:

Isthiswhatmenthink · 30/03/2025 21:59

Yes. He’s abusive. Very abusive. He sounds like a total cunt actually.

I’m sorry OP. You don’t have to put up with this. You don’t have to let someone like this ruin your life.

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2025 22:03

Ask yourself, would your life be easier if you lived separately but still had a relationship with him.

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 30/03/2025 22:06

I couldn't put up with his behaviour, he is a controlling arsehole.

Original poster

MacForCrac · 30/03/2025 22:10

I feel a bit trapped now to be honest. I’m not, I could go back to my mums in a heartbeat or my best friends, we wouldn’t be homeless on the streets. But we’ve moved into this house, we’re both on the mortgage but he paid the deposit (I paid the fees etc, he had more in savings). I haven’t got enough for a deposit on a new house (but would be able to save one within a year if I went back to my mums). But it takes a lot of courage to leave doesn’t it. I think I’m just coming to terms with what he’s really like which as I say, would surprise his loved ones so much

OP posts:

maxybrown · 30/03/2025 22:15

You don't realise how much this affects you until you're not in it. Not fully.

Silent treatment is absolutely awful and all about him having the control. I have experienced it and it's bloody awful.

It absolutely does take a lot of courage to leave. But is this what you want for yourself and your son, this life? You're not happy. Don't grab the tiny things that make you happy to justify the shit. Before you know it 10 years has passed and then 40.

It's not normal at all. And switching it on and off. That's a definite choice he is making. Absolute tit (him not you)

Becauseofit · 30/03/2025 22:21

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 30/03/2025 22:06

I couldn't put up with his behaviour, he is a controlling arsehole.

This. Totally. Red flags all over it. Consider carefully whether to continue in this situation. He will diminish your confidence to the point you will never recognise yourself and neither will your family and friends

maxybrown · 30/03/2025 22:21

Also what you have decided to do with your friend over the DIY stuff is just normal! If that was my DH he'd be like great! We've put that off so long and now it's done.

So you convince yourself, from his reaction that there must have been something wrong with what you've done. There really isn't!

Original poster

MacForCrac · 30/03/2025 22:23

@maxybrown i know every word you say is right. What’s so ironic is that I left my relationship with exdp as he was a massive gaslighter and a serial cheater and I knew I needed to see a better example to DS (he was a baby at the time) and didnt want him growing up in that kind of house. And I woke up one morning and realised if I didn’t take a stand then I’d waste my life.

I went back to my mums (DS was 10 months old), managed to get my own little rented house, completed my nurse training and worked my way up to where I am now. Met DP along the way and felt like the luckiest girl in the world and someone who really had my shit together. And yet here I am, over 12 years later in pretty much the exact same position but even worse as our lives are so intertwined, all my family love him, his family is my family, I’m MOH for 2 of his sisters later this year, we have just purchased a house etc. Going back to my mums is a lot harder with an almost teen, we’d have to share a room which was fine when he was in a cot… not making excuses but just trying to get everything straight in my head. Can’t believe he’s come to this really

OP posts:

Gowlett · 30/03/2025 22:30

It’s shite. Not the silent treatment here. Anger & shouting.
Tiniest thing triggers him off, always something I’ve said…

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/03/2025 22:56

This should help you better understand whether your relationship is abusive but I think deep down you already know the answer is yes. The real question is whether you’re ready to do something about it?

DearBee · 31/03/2025 19:08

Ok yep, having read your updates I have changed my mind. He sounds absolutely horrible.

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