He doesn’t want another baby

[Sms1811]

Advice.

my child is nearly 5 and my dh has an older child from a previous relationship. My 5 year old had terrible allergies and colic as a baby so put we off having another for a while, around 2 years ago I mentioned to my husband I’d like another which when we originally got together he said he would like more children. He said he doesn’t want anymore at all. I was a bit taken aback so left it for a while. I have since mentioned it a few times since and he’s adamant it’s a no. We don’t have the biggest support system but we manage and although our child has a sibling there’s a big gap so it’s almost like having 2 only children and and don’t really want that for my 5 year old, even our older child says they’d wish we’d had our 5 year old soon so there wasn’t such a big gap between them. It’s not just about having a sibling closer in age to our 5 year old, and don’t get me wrong I love our older child like they’re my own, but like I say, they’re older and off doing they’re own thing and has a mum, I just always saw myself having another after our 5 year old and it’s just a no. I feel really bitter. I know my wants aren’t anymore important than his but I feel so resentful about it and don’t know how to get over it. I would never split my family up over this but I don’t want to look back and regret not having another child. His reason are that he enjoys the life we have now and it would put a financial strain on us and not be able to afford everything we do now and also that he thinks he’s too old now, he’s early 40s and I’m early 30s

help

That’s really tough all round
You partner has said no two years ago and has not changed his mind
i guess you were hoping he would but he’s been clear
you’re still relatively young so you do have time
you’re going to have you make your peace with it or decide if your desire for another child means splitting up

I’m just not sure I could do that to my child, he’s an amazing dad and my child adores him. I’m sad even writing this post tbh

It is a sadness
a type of grief

Honestly your child is already 5 - if you try and magically get pregnant on the first go, they’ll likely be 6 when the new baby is here - that’s a huge age gap in reality when it comes to DC, my youngest sibling is 6 years younger. We were always at totally different life stages and although we are closer now as adults, as DC we really weren’t mega close due to the age gap.

On top of that he’s been honest and clear for a few years he doesn’t want more, that isn’t going to change. If you’re not going to split your family up over this then you need to work out how to get over it, either through some sort of therapy or self help, otherwise you will allow it to get in the way of your life.

You feel sad because in your heart of hearts you feel he tricked you. I get the impression you feel he only ever wanted another one and led you to believe otherwise untill the crunch time came, by then you are much less likely to leave. Even if you somehow had another child now, that would still be the same.

You need to address that.

These situations are very hard. It sounds as though the original deal and desire of both of you was to have more than one child and the goalposts have now moved. And it is not of your making.

His arguments about money etc. apply to every single child ever born, unless you are very rich. I am presuming you have already factored these in.

All you can do is to make sure he understands how very important it feels to you, and to express your concern that this might cause you to be resentful and gradually drive a wedge between you both.

I feel for you but I have to say that, as someone in their 40s, I understand how he feels. I always wanted more but when I headed into my 40s I also started to change my mind. My partner is a few years older than I am and he was even more convinced we shouldn't have another. I know some people have babies in their 40s and love it, but it isn't for everyone and you don't always know that until you get there.

It sounds like your DH has recognised his limits in terms of time, energy and headspace, and has decided to have no more, which is reasonable. This can’t be easy for you, but no one is owed or entitled to x number of children- it requires two 100% yesses- but a child is entitled to be wanted and cherished by both parents.

You need to work on the bubbling resentment, maybe through counselling, if you wish to maintain the intact family. I would hope your DH will help you through this.

Either leave him & have a child with someone else, or accept his decision and learn to live with it.