Sorry this, is long and another "I want to leave a friendship group" one! But it's complicated and these people really haven't done anything.
My best friend unexpectedly took her own life a few years ago, when I was pregnant with DS1. Since then, I have felt a massive shift in the dynamics of a friendship group and I'd like to lessen contact.
For background on the group, my BF was also close to another old school friend of ours - let's call her A. I was never as close to A as my BF was but we were pretty close as teenagers. She's a bit over friendly and sort of just latched on to us as she'd moved high schools. We naturally drifted apart over the years, as we went off on our different paths. I realise now that I would have been happy to fondly leave her in the past as a school friend or keep her as an acquaintance. But A liked to get her group of (what she saw as) her closest, oldest friends together every year for Xmas lunch. There were five of us - A plus me, BF and another pair of her old friends. A's other pair of friends included B, who was also our school friend that I had naturally drifted apart from too. Then there was C, a childhood friend of A's - just a friend of a friend but then eventually someone I did become friendly with. B & C became besties over time.
Thanks if you've got this far - hope that description of the set up wasn't too confusing! But what I'm getting at is A is the reason we're all together - without her, as the glue, we're really two quite distinct groups of close friends.
I used to enjoy going to Xmas lunch plus I really only saw them about once a year as a bigger group. When my BF died, A found comfort in the idea of this group of old friends with ties to our deceased friend. Meet ups increased because, the way they all saw it, we had to stick together etc. At first I vowed to make more of an effort too, as my BF's death made me realise how important friends are.
But gradually, without my friend at social occasions, I came to realise how different I was from them. It's hard for me to put my finger on but a few examples come to mind. Me and my BF weren't huge drinkers but the rest are - a couple of them have teenagers so are at a different stage of life from me. Without BF, suddenly I was the wet sponge, getting a gentle ribbing for not handling my drink. I went on a short break with them to another city and all they wanted to do was stay in the pub, instead of sightseeing. Again, little jokes were made about our differences, and how my BF would have been the one to do all the "boring stuff" with me. Our views and hobbies are also completely different. So many times over the years, I've noticed little comments about politics or religion that have had me rolling my eyes - then realising I'm the odd one out for disagreeing (but my BF would have backed me up).
When I agree to meet, it's an obligation. I dread going and, although it's usually OK, I can't wait to leave again once my duty is done. I don't wish them any ill will but we've just drifted apart - we're just different women from the teenagers we once were, obviously. And their company actually makes me miss my best friend even more - the space she's left is achingly huge.
The group were also incredibly unsupportive after my friend died, long term. I didn't get much support from this group in the end (was all very superficial) but I'm ok with that. I think it shows how deep the friendship actually is. But the hypocrisy of it gets me (oh we're BFF forever!). But then actually not giving a shit. I tried to tell them a bit about my mental state over Xmas and declined the annual lunch. And while they made all the right noises at the time, nobody ever followed up with a "how are you?" and now I've seen them since, it's never been mentioned again.
Fast forward to now and I'm pregnant again, which is so very triggering for me, for a start. One of the group is also emigrating and, while I'm delighted for her, I was also glad - these events mean that I can probably lessen contact, it was my way out. But after meeting up with them again recently, I've realised they won't let it go that easy. The chat was filled with dates for next meet ups, Zoom calls to the friend abroad and even future holidays. And that is not what I want.
They're all completely unaware of how I feel and I know A, in particular, would be devastated if she knew what I was thinking. She considers us family and that makes me feel bad and horribly guilty. I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to see them all together in this group. A just doesn't see that these people are HER close friends, not mine - my BF is gone. I actually wouldn't mind meeting up with her occasionally but I don't feel the need for it to be together with HER mates.
I guess I'm asking if a) anybody else has felt this way after a friend has died and b) what do I do?! Lots of similar posts on here with advice on just making excuses and lessening contact. But the trouble is, they always ask which dates we're ALL free - and if someone isn't free, they find a date that suits everyone. So I can't say I'm never free! I have thought about telling A a version of the truth but, like I said, it would come as a massive shock to her and she'd be devastated. She's also a bit of a gossip and would tell the others I think.
I wish I didn't care so much about what they think but I don't want to cause anyone any pain, they've done nothing wrong except be very different from me. But I barely have time to see the people that enrich my life, never mind this superficial friendship.
My husband thinks it won't be an issue, when C emirates, but they've just invited me to something again (which I've made excuses for) and I feel incredibly anxious about the whole thing. I can't imagine just making excuses forever! It seems such a silly thing to get worked over but my mental health isn't great right now, and anxiety is at an all time high because I'm pregnant again.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.