Such a difficult relationship with my son

[andiwonderif]

He’s only four which makes it awful I know, but I just don’t know what to do. Every day I think I’ll be kind, gentle, encouraging, the parent I want to be. And I am … sort of. But every day I also find myself snapping at him, short with him, nagging and criticising him.

It’s awful but a lot of the time it’s as if I can’t get things properly into perspective. Like just now I put a bottle of water down for a moment to pick something else up and he kicked a ball (which he’s not supposed to do inside anyway!) and sent the water bottle flying. It was a total accident and I knew logically it was an accident, but I couldn’t get it properly into perspective and I was so irritated by it. So many of the days are like this with me getting annoyed and worked up over small things.

I want DS to trust me and to know I have his back, but I feel like I’m just destroying his self esteem at the moment. But equally I can’t ignore some behaviours. I’ve tried reading and nothing has really worked.

Your expectations are out of whack. The whole job of parenting a four year old is to explain that actions have consequences and that energy and gravity exist. Children take a lot of teaching. Just telling them “no” over and over is not teaching. Ok the wayer was spilled. Just help him understand “what a shame mummy’s water was spilled. This is why no kicking balls in the house. Lets put it away and clean up.”

Does he get plenty of exercise? DS was a terror until he began playing football daily. Then he was an angel.
Generalisation but boys need a lot of exercise.

@andiwonderif are you getting enough sleep?
I also have a 4yo and I lose all perspective when I'm sleep deprived, undernourished, ill. It comes back when I'm well rested/ fed/ healed.

You are being triggered by your child. You are aware you don’t want to be a shouty parent that that is a good first step to changing it. I have empathy for this.

It may be that you were always told off as a child too (you may not remember it consciously).
Have a look at Dr Becky Good Inside and Dr Siggie and Nurtured First on instagram.
good advice for free, they also offer courses and apps.

No one is a perfect parent. It is hard work. It is very hard when you are triggered to repeat patterns that were expected of you as child that you may not even be consciously aware of. Give yourself some compassion. Then set new goals/ standards for yourself. and seek support (eg from those resources above) to achieve them.
also really agree on sleep and nutrition and ideally having something in your life that’s filling your cup. Parental burn out is real. Take care out there

OP - I don't think it's a "difficult relationship with a son". I think something is off.
Are you depressed? Or overworked and stressed about your job, or your relationship?
The sort of shouty reactions you are describing are not normal. And they are not really about your son and your relationship with him. He is just being a small child.
You, on the other hand - are not dealing with having a child. And - either are too tired to be able to parent - or have some sort of strange expectations of what parenting a small child is like.

Often it's because you are subconsciously cross with yourself or sad about something that is missing... do you perhaps feel that a good mother wouldn't raise a child that was "clumsy" or "thoughtless"; you feel that this is all YOUR fault.
I know this sounds very woo but start by having compassion on yourself. Remind yourself what a good job you are doing and in how many little ways you do show your love and care for ds.

Then fake your responses. Our brains follow our actions. I was triggered by many things with my three (being scared of them falling off things or running into the road was a big one for me and still have to work on that) but I got really really good at laughing over spilt milk, things knocked over and mess from food. It became my Spidey power I literally did not react, physically or mentally and has stood me in very good stead in many stressful situations. My children never tread on eggshells over that at least.

But you don't want your little one to tread on eggshells...it's no way to live.

Look after yourself and give him the benefit of the doubt, at all times. He is only four and needs you to have his back.

I say this a lot on Mumsnet but do check your bloods with the GP. Various deficiencies can make us feel tired irritable and ready to snap
B vitamins folates thyroid iron and my bete noire Vitamin D deficiency..check it out. It may be that at the root and no amount of "reading" will help a physiological deficiency of essential vitamins or an endocrine imbalance (I was hypothyroid) Also PMT is a "thing"

Is it just you two at home? It can be hard without someone to share the load.

Try taking yourself off the the bathroom when you feel like you need to breath / cry.

You sound like you need a break OP. When was the last time you didn’t have to work or worry or be on duty. Was a revelation to me when learned likes of Gina Ford (baby book author) and Supernanny didn’t (at least at that time) have kids. Thought 💭 it’s easy after lots of me time and rest to come in and say do this/that. Not at all easy to be on a 24/7 tour of duty. Parenting has never been so intense. In my day us kids had a village and were free range. Older kids would look after and help play with and tire the younger ones out. Not now. Most kids have to arrange play dates and parents having to be play mates and all things at all times.
It’s no wonder you are irritable. Parenting a marathon not a sprint. Important not to be too hard on yourself and also get techniques to get yourself away from the triggers. Put yourself in time out (walk away!) rather than being overly harsh with your wee one. Deffo find a way too that you can recharge your own batteries. Much easier when we are rested and rejuvenated.

I am the same, OP. Just letting you know you’re not alone. I follow Dr Laura Markham and some of her books and find her tips really useful for shifting my perspective but agree with others that it’s SO much harder when I’m tired/stressed/low on iron.

What was your own childhood like?

@Nettleskeins it’s really interesting you say that as I did recently have an appointment with the GP and my bloods were low on vit D.

I didn’t really expect to see this upped. It’s a interesting as I have been worried about DS, and wondering if I should seek help but the very bald truth is I just can’t afford it right now.

I worry that I don’t really love DS. I do care about him but I have another child and I do feel and respond differently to them. I think the main issue with DS is it never feels reciprocal somehow - I never feel we properly listen to one another. But I do care about him and I do love him, it’s just marred somehow.

I’m finding having two children challenging and I think if I could live my life again I’d prefer to have just one and for it to be the younger one. And that’s horrible, to wish DS didn’t exist and I don’t, not quite like that. I know people will hate this post and I hate it; I wish I didn’t feel like this.

Have you always felt like this or is it more recent?

I admire your honesty @andiwonderif

Was his birth more traumatic? Or anything like that?

Would you be able to talk to a counsellor maybe about the way you're feeling and work out some strategies to help?

Can you consciously tap in to what makes your DS a special person? Sometimes when I am really tired and overwhelmed with parenting I just think about my kids’ positive qualities and what’s great about their personalities. Or I recall all the funny things they do and say. I watch them sleeping and think of the sheer wonder of all the biological processes and serendipity that led them to be born as unique individuals.

I also agree with PPs that this works best when you can get a break and do something for yourself.

Honestly it has always been there.

I was so excited to be pregnant but having him was horrible (Covid and failed induction and emergency section) and I lost consciousness after my section. So I only got skin to skin with him a couple of hours later. Tried and failed to breast feed (and I really, really wanted to) and i just didn’t really know what to do with him. And oof, the lack of sleep was awful. It hit me like a train, and I realise because of some of my actions at that time I was clearly not in my right state of mind but I resented him waking up, resented the exhaustion and the pain and the loneliness. Most of our early days were just walking around cold, empty streets.

Things did improve but I’ve always been highly critical of both him and myself I suppose. I have taken behaviour personally, even when he was ridiculously young and always felt like I’m not doing a very good job. I’ve said things like ‘oh he needs to be out and about, he just isn’t content at home.’ But when I think about it he’s fine at home; it’s me who wasn’t.

As he’s got older things have got easier in some ways but it’s like this critical voice and irritation is always there. He’s also followed a normal trajectory in terms of speech and so on but on the lower end. For example, DD isn’t even two until midsummer but she’s probably at a similar verbal and emotional maturity to DS at two and a half. I don’t know if that’s a girl / boy thing but it does make me wonder if he’s just struggled with comprehension and communication and that’s the source of a lot of the problems.

With DD it was so different: planned section, on my chest immediately, overwhelming love, spent maternity leave taking her to baby classes and snuggling at home and it was different this time as had DS too some of the time.

Hard to know what the cause is. He is fine, I’m not.

I’d like to @category12 but at the moment I just can’t afford it.

@NoviceVillager i do but then get caught in the moment. I find he and DS wind each other up which is hard to ignore.

Hello op, like another poster above about blood tests, I quite often say this on Mumsnet but do look into a magnesium supplement. I was really struggling with bad intrusive thoughts, sudden snapping/rage at the kids about nothing major and it's really transformed things, honestly. You have a busy life with two under four it sounds like, and you do need to look after yourself. I know I sound like a right hippie but it honestly helps.

Before I read your updated post I wondered if it was in fact the disposition of the child that is the issue here and not your health/sleep levels etc. Many won't understand that it can actually be the child themselves who is the cause of our irritation. It remains very taboo but obviously children are people with different characters and personality traits and it makes sense that we would connect with some better than others - even if these are our own children.

I could have written your updated post a few years ago OP. The connection and ease with my second child came completely naturally and my first born has always been "difficult". Numerous factors influenced that, but ultimately she is in fact a more intense personality, and quite opposite to me, so it was jarring to get my head around it at times that this was my child. Shes incredibly bright, stubborn, selfish and determined - all qualities that will bring her far I imagine but qualities that can be utterly draining to parent 24/7.

My relationship with her became much less fraught as she got a bit older (still old 9) and I tried to meet her where she is. I worked very hard to accept the child I have and see the good traits in her and made a big effort to carve out 1:1 time as she seems to thrive in that environment. Our relationship is much stronger now. When she's rude/does something she shouldn't I still sometimes feel "triggered" in a way I don't with her sister but I'm able to catch it the majority of the time. I only struggle when I'm ill/my defenses are low.

I admire your honesty. It's hard to vocalise these things and I'm not sure I would advise to speak to someone in real life as many can't/wont understand and will just judge you harshly and make the situation worse.

Sorry you went through that, sounds like birth trauma and subsequent pnd(?) might have started the disconnect you feel.

It sounds like you had post natal depression following the trauma of his birth and struggled to bond with him as a result. Ask your GP for therapy.

@Jengat its true. I think DS is very like DH who obviously has great qualities or I wouldn’t have married him. But DH can be a bit of a wind up merchant, he can focus on one thing and everything else ceases to exist. DS is very stubborn and can be defiant and stroppy.

Obviously he didn't mean to knock over the water but he did mean to kick the ball knowing he shouldn't and I think there should be consequences for that sort of thing.

Consequences for DS just make him angry. I do feel like I don’t have any real control over him.

You definitely need therapy to help you heal from your birth trauma. You poor thing. It sounds really awful.

sounds like you are just different from your DS. Can dad step up and spend more time with him? Can he do more sporty clubs etc that suit his personality? I think it’s ok that you are different. There are some funny TikToks about boy mums where they joke about how much running around they have to do. Have you met lots of boy mums so you can let them play together?