How do you deal with no conexion to your mum?

[Fayruh]

I'm an adult, 34 years old, and I hate to say this but I don't love my own mother.

Some of the reasons for this could be:
She is very judgemental of me and constantly makes me feel like I'm not good enough. She looks down on me and my hobbies/ likes since I was a child. She looks down on my job. She criticizes every single thing I do, like going out with friends or going to the gym. Just life things in general.

I know she doesn't mean to be hurtful and act like this. I know deep down I'm actually loved. But the only way she knows to express her love is through giving me money or gifts. She's upper class and also looks down on other people so I'm not the only one.

The rest of her family are like this and at Christmas not a single one asked me how I was or took an interest in my job/ what I'd been up to. I don't think I could spend another Christmas with them again.

I just wanted to see if anyone is in a similar position and how you cope with this. I'm feeling teary on mothers day 💐

Try and remember that she is an individual complex person as well as being your mum.

She may be the way she is due to many reasons including her own upbringing, experiences and just being wired a little differently.

How she acts is a reflection on herself not you.

Thank you @DaisyChain505 !!

I hate my mother , she’s a narcissistic bitch. In years gone by I was always sad on Mother’s Day as I think I still missed what she could have been. Since having therapy I’ve been able to separate the fact she’s just a nasty person and my wanting a typical kind mother figure in my life. It can be really hard till the point you are able to see the truth and no longer care

@Brokenlikeatwig oh that's good that you no longer feel you need a typical kind of mother figure in your life. Do you feel that in the past its affected your self- esteem? And your life choices?

"I know she doesn't mean to be hurtful and act like this. I know deep down I'm actually loved."
She might not actively mean it, but she doesn't take steps to avoid hurting you. That says something.
Until quite recently I could have sworn my father loved me. Then one day I took a step back and thought: I cannot see any area of my life where he shows this love. He had just been vicious about my appearance but worse, about my character. He never asks me about my life, either.
My dad isn't your mum, and you're not me, but sometimes I think parent-child relationships as adults are maintained for a long time on the presumption that the parent loves the child, and vice versa. I actually think it's ok - not nice, but ok - to admit you don't love her, and that you definitely don't want to be treated badly, and just kind of get on with being you. If you don't matter to her, then she needn't matter to you.
(I'm definitely not a therapist - sorry! Maybe a therapist would make better sense of things.)

Yes, massively. I was so consumed by the fact my own mother didn’t love me that I thought that it was somehow my fault and that I’d done something wrong / to cause or deserve that. I was constantly grateful for anything even if it was something that wasn’t good for me eg unhealthy relationships.
I felt worthless and useless and had no motivation, I’ve had years of therapy to get to this point and I had to work really hard as I had a lot of issues .

'sometimes I think parent-child relationships as adults are maintained for a long time on the presumption that the parent loves the child, and vice versa'

I agree. And, not to sound like Prince Charles, but what does love mean anyway? What use is it, if she's making you feel like shit, judging and being endlessly critical and being horrible to you? You say you feel that she loves you, but how do you know that, and how does she show it?

I have no idea whether I love my parents or not. I do know that they show no interest in me, are cold and critical, often make me feel like crap, and I feel better when I have less to do with them. It really hurts OP, and I get it.

It’s not easy. It takes time to come to terms with accepting that you do not have the sort of mother that you need/deserve. I certainly struggled with it, especially in my 30s when I became a mother myself.

Now I’m in my 50s I’m pretty much at peace with it. My mother is a deeply flawed person. I don’t share her values. I don’t need anyone that I don’t like or love to approve of me or my lifestyle- and that includes my mother. I protect myself by telling her only surface level things about my life. I don’t talk about my feelings. I’m polite but a bit remote. I also try not to disagree with her about things - she’s incapable of seeing anyone else’s point of view or of accepting that she’s wrong so it’s pointless.

I do think of her as inspiration. She taught me a lot about the sort of mother I DON’T want to be, the sort of wife and friend I don’t want to be and a lot about how I do not wish to age. I eat well and prioritise health and exercise and I think it secretly annoys her.

When she’s provoking me I have a few ready phrases which do a reasonable job of shutting her down while making it clear that I don’t agree with her - things like “well we’re very different people, you and I. It’s not surprising we see this differently”. I enjoy saying this.

I dont love or hate my mother because they are both feelings.
She is just not important to me when someone becomes unimportant there is no feelings left.

Hi OP. I deal with having no connection to my biological mother because it has been so long now that we've been out of touch ch it no longer hurts, and to be fair the things I suffered at her hands meant I did not ever hanker for any sort of bond with her, I just tried my hardest to get away from her whenever possible.

In my twenties I was the lodger of a couple who have become my surrogate parents. The woman in the picture, now one of my dearest and lifelong friends, is who I call my (surrogate) mother and it has been deeply healing. Di you have any older women figures you could develop a bond with? I learnt so much from mine, like taking care of myself, how to run a household, how to get up and try again and make it this time, how to keep myself looking good etc. I would not be the woman I am today without her and I now look out for younger women I can take care of the same way, it is my turn now.

I think there is a grieving stage, and a stage where it hurts for years, and hurts at special times and mundane times. Perhaps you are in that stage. I handled this by letting it out and grieving. I also remembered why I had had to cut my mother off. She used to drown me in the bath, bath wards, while washing my hair, hold me under for length of time repeatedly, and I have always reflected that I just cannot be friends with the sort of person who could do that sort of thing. To her own child. And the surrounding abuse, to all of her children. She is not the person for me.

So that really helps me feel I was right. And in the last two of fifteen years, longer maybe, it just doesn't get to me at all. I hadn't even thought of her today. I had thought of my surrogate mother xxx hugs and peace to you, because it DOES get better and you are not alone, there are Mother Earth figures all around us xx

Just wanted to add, I've got several friends who are in this same situation: as they get older, they realise they mean very little to their parent/s. The idea of a child seems fine, but the reality of their lives for some reason either threatens them or isn't interesting to them. It is pretty common and people often don't get it till they are much older.
I have pretty low standards for what I'll accept as evidence of parental love, apparently: just a question about my life or a compliment about my kids? Fine! It took open hostility (still not sure what motivated it) for me to see that all of it was lacking. In a way it's better to realise sooner rather than later, and send that energy towards some really good female friendships if you can, because they are worth so much more than a mother who openly derides you.

I remember Tara Palmer Tomlinson ( related to the Royal family, now deceased in case you don’t know who she is) saying that the upper classes don’t do love. I believe she was talking about her own family/ parents at the time.

I could have written your post. I think my dm has narcissistic personality disorder. I'd recommend finding out more about it. You can search on "narcissistic parent" on YouTube. I feel a bit better understanding it. Nothing will change dm. But I don't now keep wondering why she's disinterested and mean. I hope you can find some peace with it. I've stopped being upset now I've found out more.

:You can search on "narcissistic parent" on YouTube'

Dr Ramani on YouTube is an excellent watch. She's a psychotherapist who specialises in narcissism, and she has so many great insights to share. Well worth a watch if you think your parent may well have some narcissistic traits

I know it's customary these days to diagnose narcissism in all and sundry, but sometimes maybe it's merely that that people are a bit crap! Just because someone's a blood relative doesn't necessarily mean they're on your side. They're too busy playing out their own peculiarities and preoccupations. I worked out quite early on that my parents weren't going to help me so I had to make my own way in the world. It's often easier to keep things superficial and cordial where you can and just accept that they're never going to intentionally say anything nice! The 'nice' software just hasn't been installed.

I don't want to make this a misery memoir about myself, but my lot were particularly troubled by any expression of autonomy or agency on my part. It was only after they'd died that I realised I'd never seen them enjoying themselves.

I totally understand, I’m in my 60’s now ,my mother was a very nasty woman made me feel awful my whole childhood, classic narcissist , emotionally and physically abused.
when she died I felt nothing,
advice having had therapy at your age was to find a mother figure in my life .
later I did she is now in her 80’s and has been a fantastic support for years , it goes both ways we are dear friends and have each others backs in life .
you can make your own family
good luck on your healing journey Op