Finding the courage to kick him out

[PoisedGreyExpert]

I recently discovered my husband of 10 years has been having an affair. It's been absolutely soul destroying going through this and I'm questioning every decision I make, and my judgement in everything.

I've been spending the past few weeks mourning what our life could have been. He was always the good guy, amazing dad, reliable friend etc so shock is an understatement.

He fell in love with his coworker, and it had been going on for the past year. Gave me the cliche 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. I asked he stopped talking to her till we figure things out and remain in the same house, but all that happened is he got sneakier at hiding things. When I caught him in another lie, it turned out that he never stopped talking to her this entire time. Lesson learned, you can never trust anything that comes out a cheaters mouth ever again.

I know because of our child he's stuck around, and it's also why I'm struggling to kick him out the house. I know it isn't sustainable, but I'm so heartbroken for our family, for our child. It's like I'm in purgatory.

I know our relationship no longer has a future as I'll never be able to forgive him, and I don't think I can heal till he leaves the house, but I'm so scared about what happens once I do, I don't want to only see my child 50% of the time.

I'd appreciate advice from anyone else that's gone through this or knows someone that has. Please tell me it gets better!

It’s very unlikely that the new woman will want him to have his child 50%. Get angry and kick him out, and plan your new life.
And never trust a liar.

Kick him out and tell him he can see the child every second weekend and one overnight each week. He can collect the child from school and drop them off at school. This way you don’t have to see him. And if he grumbles about not being able to pick up his child because he’s at work tell him, then arrange childcare like a nanny or after school club. Don’t help him. He’s a parent and it’s his responsibility to see his child and arrange everything that needs to go along with that. These are the consequences of him wrecking your life and the life of your child because he wanted to fuck another woman who wasn’t his wife.

As much as I would love to do that, he is a good dad and putting my feelings aside 50/50 is what would be best for our child. It's so difficult because if we were childless he'd be out the moment I discovered the affair.

Situation was slightly different to yours but my fears were the same. The above responses are full of anger and spite and if you do that you’ll ultimately hurt your child. Talk to him about time with the children. See if there can be a reasonable pattern set around different work patterns or holiday situations. I’ve been in the same boat keeping someone around cos I was terrified of loosing so much time with the children so I get it. But trying to sustain a relationship with someone like that will be damaging for you and probably your kid in the long run

I know he’s clearly a shit for doing that. But look at it this way - you could meet someone else who is utterly incredible! You can chose to be happy or allow this to consume you. If you can keep this amicable which will be the best for everyone - you won’t have to feel any guilt because you have done everything to make things good for your kid. if he is objectively a nice bloke (and I know you’re hurt) can you make peace with him and try to figure out a childcare plan that works for both of you? Having some time to yourself will enable you do get some hobbies, eventually date if you fancy etc.

first things first, speak to a solicitor and get legal advice, get the facts on what you can and can’t do.

then sit down with him and discuss how it’s going to work. Find out what he thinks, want he wants to do re the house, child contact etc. don’t make assumptions. He may not want 50/50, many men don’t when they realise they will be responsible and you won’t facilitate the ins and outs of what it takes to look after a child. Don’t agree to anything at this point. Take away the discussion and sleep on it.

once you understand his position you can then start to negotiate what’s the best for the child.

I didn’t want 50/50 but it actually works really well now the emotion has been taken out of the equation. We do one week on, one week off. Drop off is Sunday evening. Our dd has two sets of everything at each house and the parent at the time is completely responsible for school drop offs, holidays, child care requirements, clothing etc. it enabled me to concentrate on my career on the week I don’t have her, and concentrate on her when I do have her.

I very much doubt he will want 50/50 given that he will be having a big romance with the OW and I doubt she wants your child hanging around that much either. They both sound extremely selfish and children get in the way of their selfish wants. And newsflash! A man who cheats on his wife and breaks up his family is not a good father.