How do I help my best friend of 21 years? I’m so sorry this is ridiculously long… PLEASE BEAR WITH.
She’s in an abusive relationship with an absolute degenerate and she won’t leave him. How do I help?
This is after a 10 year marriage with an awful husband who ruined his business (although not intentional), then unplugged from family life, doing nothing in the house or with his child.
He told my friend (before the business failed) she didn’t need to go back to work after their child was born, so she stayed at home.
She found out he’d been having a year long affair 6 years ago. Unfortunately, she forgave him after the affair because of the financial position he’d put her in, by this point his business was done, and she still loved him (get a backbone please). He was initially earning enough to support them both with the business, but then not after it failed, but still not encouraging her to get a job and she did nothing.
Her STBX basically ground her down to nothing. Gaslighting her, lying to her, blaming everything on her, getting angry when he couldn't have any spending money (his wages got paid into her account, because he was basically declared bankrupt after the business failed), he ran up drug debts, they had to pay off the following month, on occasion over £1k!
The OW in the affair stalked her on socials, walked past and waited outside the flat they live in, accosted her on the street and is basically a psycho. Eventually she cooled off after 3 years. He said he’d make more of an effort with everything and he never did and she just accepted it for a while, then they started arguing and he eventually left nearly a year ago.
My friend is now thinking she’s not worth anything. Before she had their child, she had a great job and great prospects. She loves being a mum and was happy to stay off, but I feel this was to her detriment in retrospect. Her STBX didn’t want to deal with anything, so she had a child to rear, a house to run, and bailiffs at the door, all sorts.
After they actually split recently, he got a much nicer place to live, picked up with his bit on the side, introduced her to his son almost immediately and she went on a shag rampage tbh.
As part of the rampage, she met this guy, who it turns out is an absolute wrongun. He’s been gaslighting her, asking her who she is talking to over text, demanding to see her phone, he practically moved in after 3 months because he lives at home with his mum and he's a grown man and obviously dislikes it, so needed his next victim. He's got 4 other kids with two other mums. Gets angry when he’s drunk etc.
She raised a couple of red flags a few weeks in and I said get rid. She gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he'd been cheated on before (didums) but turned out 2 months later, that was a shit decision, she broke up with him, gave all his shit back, got her key back. Yes I think, I tell her he’s bad news etc, she agreed, as they do…
Go to a month or so later they’re back together, he’s going to get help for his issues, etc. Nothing changes. The next time during an argument about the same thing, e.g where have you been, you’ve been shagging my mate, you’re cheating on me, you’ve been longer than normal at work (she’s got a job at her DS school), he shoved her across the kitchen and she hit her head off the cabinet.
Abuse of course, emotional and now physical. She breaks up with him again.
She’s been telling me for weeks they’re done, he’s blocked, yadda yadda, turns out her kid tells me today (after we’d been for lunch and the supposed ex-boyfriend turned up steaming at her flat and I wouldn't let him in) that he’s been there every night last week.
She had been lying to my face all day and even her son (who is 10 btw), had her phone, got a call before he turned up and was saying to my friend, tell her, you have to tell her, as I asked what was going on, she said nothing, he was upset, Her son was telling her to tell me it was him on the phone, so suggests to me she’d asked him to keep it a secret. Awful behaviour.
Her son has also been displaying arsehole tendencies now. I had to tell him off at least 3 times today and she seems like she doesn’t care. Another long story is we think he’s autistic, but she won’t have him tested. Her sister works with SEN kids and she’s convinced. So potentially that explains some of his behavioural issues, but they’ve definitely got worse after this colossal massive wanker cunt has been on the scene.
Tbh this is the shorten version, but I just don’t know what to do. She knows I disapprove and without him turning up today I would have believed her and be none the wiser… Hence I think why she's been lying to me, but getting her child involved is just disgusting.
How can I help build her confidence so she can get away from this colossal waste of space?? Or should I just let her get on with it and get out, so I don’t loose anymore sleep over it.
I’m currently bored of repeating myself, her agreeing with everything I say and then doing the complete opposite and lying to me…I love her so much, but I am just done right now...I don't know how to save her, I know she desperately wants to do better, but she just doesn't have the strength right now, how can I help?
PLEASE HELP ME TO HELP HER