Newly separated man.. too soon?

smithyz · 2025-03-29T19:04:50+00:00

I met a man last year when I was out socialising. We got on well and had a few dates eg coffee, breakfast etc. He was in the process of separating but in a lot of pain over his children and the impact. As he wasn’t officially separated at that time, it was friendship based and he had t yet found somewhere to live. a year on, they are officially separated and he has bought his own home. He will share custody of his children equally. we are both fifty. we have reconnected and will meet this week for a catch up . I would t even call it a date. Would I be crazy to embark on something here? Im divorced and completely independent and have two teens. His marriage has been dead in the water for many years, he says but one of his children with whom he is very close has significant needs. His other child is also a young teen. is it too soon considering his heartbreak over his children ?

Original poster

smithyz · 29/03/2025 20:22

Anyone?

OP posts:

GrumpyInsomniac · 29/03/2025 20:39

Everyone handles things in their own time, and just because the marriage has been dead for years it doesn’t mean he’ll be in the right headspace for a healthy relationship.

As much as anything, there is a process of unlearning some of the less healthy relationship dynamics from the marriage, plus the natural caution about going from frying pan to fire. I would also imagine that he will be wary - should be - about the implications for his kids, especially if one has significant additional needs.

That’s something for you to consider as well. Are his child’s need such that he will essentially need to share custody of them throughout adulthood as well? Is this something you would be prepared to take on with him if you do develop a relationship?

Only he can tell you whether he’s ready to
move on and start something with you. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to find out early on what long term would look like, and decide whether that’s something you want to sign up for.

OneWaryCat · 29/03/2025 20:41

I think life is too short and you rarely find people you like. If you click, go for it, just take it slow. Sounds like you have both been sensible already.

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 29/03/2025 20:41

Why not just meet up and see how the land lies? Do you think he will want to start things up again, dating wise? Because if he doesn't, then there's nothing to think about. Did you get the impression he'd be open to dating again?

Maybe he's in a better place now, emotionally?

Jossse · 29/03/2025 20:43

What have you got to lose. If you both still want to meet, go for it.
Good luck, sounds like you’re both going into this with your eyes open.
You never know unless you try.

BeerAndMusic · 30/03/2025 02:09

Dont see the issue - I was with my ex for 20 years and started dating almost immediately. Within 5 months I met someone really amazing, many would say too soon but emotionally over it.

HeddaGarbled · 30/03/2025 02:23

They always say the marriage has been “dead for years”.

Why is he “heartbroken” over the children if he’s doing 50-50?

If he’s all ‘weepy-waily, poor-me, you’re a woman so you must give me loads of emotional support but don’t expect any back because I’m traumatised’ run away.

If he’s a normal grown-up dealing with things sensibly but reasonably concerned to make sure his children are well-supported, no problem.

ZekeZeke · 30/03/2025 02:35

His marriage has been dead in the water for many years, he says but one of his children with whom he is very close has significant needs. His other child is also a young teen

I'm trying to understand why a parent would even say something about being very close to their own child?

Petra42 · 30/03/2025 06:53

@smithyz I was in a similar scenario having met a separated man and going on a few dates with him. His wife had left him for a married affair partner so he was devastated but they still got on. He had also bought a new place, consulted solicitors over sharing custody and everything seemed like it was on the right tracks. That's when we met so I gave it a go thinking it was worth a shot.

However the affair partner decided not to leave his wife so my then partner's wife wanted him back and was prepared to move away if they didn't try. He and I had only dated briefly so although sad, I knew that it was a second shot for him plus he couldn't handle the kids being so far away. We split up and they stayed together (I think!)

It was very upsetting for me so I'd say why not wait till he's actually divorced before embarking on anything more.

VoodooQualities · 30/03/2025 07:05

Why steer clear? If he's a decent man and you like him and he likes you, go for it. You can always take it slowly if that's what's best.

If MN has taught me anything, it's that there aren't many good ones around! The fact he has younger children than you and with special needs, well that's just part of life's rich tapestry.

Mulledjuice · 30/03/2025 07:18

So he was still sleeping with his wife when you first met?

There's nothing wrong with meeting him for coffee. But ask yourself how good you are at spotting bullshit behaviour ( like that suggested above by eg @HeddaGarbled ) and nipping it in the bud.

VoodooQualities · 30/03/2025 07:27

So he was still sleeping with his wife when you first met?

'in the process of separating' so who knows what that really means. But your advice is sound!

I say go for it but ONLY if your bs-detector is working and you assess him to be a decent man.

NeelyOHara · 30/03/2025 07:36

So he’s bought himself a house before they’ve even divorced? How odd.

Secretsandlies222 · 30/03/2025 07:51

HeddaGarbled · 30/03/2025 02:23

They always say the marriage has been “dead for years”.

Why is he “heartbroken” over the children if he’s doing 50-50?

If he’s all ‘weepy-waily, poor-me, you’re a woman so you must give me loads of emotional support but don’t expect any back because I’m traumatised’ run away.

If he’s a normal grown-up dealing with things sensibly but reasonably concerned to make sure his children are well-supported, no problem.

Why is he heartbroken?

This is a typical case of not acknowledging that men also have feelings.

I would feel heartbroken if I went from seeing my kids every day to seeing them only half of the time. I’d also feel sad about them having their lives being disrupted in this way.

Why is that so difficult to understand ?

Original poster

smithyz · 30/03/2025 17:45

He is heartbroken as he has a very
close relationship with his child who has complex needs. They have a nightly routine where he tends to his care needs and that’s when they spend a decent amount of daily time together as the man works until six everyday.
Ii get why some would think it’s strange. I had a husband who doesn’t have any part in his children’s lives and never did .
This though is another reason why I liked him on meeting him. Rare for some
of us clearly.

OP posts:

ChargeableHour · 30/03/2025 21:38

Just go into it with your eyes open.

Emptyandsad · 30/03/2025 21:41

GrumpyInsomniac · 29/03/2025 20:39

Everyone handles things in their own time, and just because the marriage has been dead for years it doesn’t mean he’ll be in the right headspace for a healthy relationship.

As much as anything, there is a process of unlearning some of the less healthy relationship dynamics from the marriage, plus the natural caution about going from frying pan to fire. I would also imagine that he will be wary - should be - about the implications for his kids, especially if one has significant additional needs.

That’s something for you to consider as well. Are his child’s need such that he will essentially need to share custody of them throughout adulthood as well? Is this something you would be prepared to take on with him if you do develop a relationship?

Only he can tell you whether he’s ready to
move on and start something with you. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to find out early on what long term would look like, and decide whether that’s something you want to sign up for.

This is such a good post

Gymbunny2025 · 30/03/2025 21:47

smithyz · 30/03/2025 17:45

He is heartbroken as he has a very
close relationship with his child who has complex needs. They have a nightly routine where he tends to his care needs and that’s when they spend a decent amount of daily time together as the man works until six everyday.
Ii get why some would think it’s strange. I had a husband who doesn’t have any part in his children’s lives and never did .
This though is another reason why I liked him on meeting him. Rare for some
of us clearly.

How will he do 50 50 if he’s working til 6 everyday and one of his children has very complex needs? Is it even in the best interest of this child to have to travel between 2 houses? I don’t think he’s the amazing Dad he’s making himself out to be

Original poster

smithyz · 30/03/2025 21:55

I’ve never got the impression from him that he thinks himself to be an amazing dad .
they have figured it out together and have organised their work lives around their child. They both work full time as they have needed to do like so many of us . Their child gets home from his school/ support setting at five thirty each day. They’ll figure it out I’m sure. Im
sure he is not perfect, no more than any of us and I’m sure that having a child with such complex disabilities has put a massive strain on both their lives and ultimately their marriage, which of course is quite common. Knowing though that heir child is their number one priority is very attractive to me
and in my experience, quite rare from a fathers perspective at least.

OP posts: