Seperate or coast along?

HayleyD84 · 2025-03-29T03:28:25+00:00

I am seeking advice to anyone that help. I've been with my husband for 12 years, (I'm 41 he's 46) he's never been very affectionate and that has been something I've struggled with. We have 2 sons together. Ages 10 & 4 For a long while now I feel as though the "spark" has gone, it feels like we are living as room mates. We get on and rarely argue, he's a lovely guy and an amazing dad but we are just very different. I enjoy a laugh, banter, having a drink (I also like nights in but a balance between the both) he's more of a "tea and slippers" guy. I've been feeling so low. I yern for a passionate, affectionate relationship. I love my husband but the "in love" isn't there anymore. I've told him how I feel and he really wants to stay together. Do I stay and coast along and give the kids stability. Or do I leave, ripping the family apart, putting the kids through that just for my own needs?? I've lost both of my parents and my family live far away so i feel very alone. Any advice or personal experiences much appreciated.

Onthemaintrunkline · 29/03/2025 06:04

I tentatively say you’ll be told on here that you deserve a happier life, or words to that effect. Not to waste any more time with a man you have little in common with.
I don’t have the personal experience you were asking for, but my feeling is the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.

You say he’s a great guy, great Dad, you don’t argue. Yes, after separation/divorce you might hook up with the ‘perfect’ man….and then again you might well hook up with one with all sorts of problems and baggage. Think very very carefully. I’d encourage you and your husband to put some work into the marriage you now have.

Show him this thread, it might well be the catalyst needed for the change you seek. Good luck.

GreyAreas · 29/03/2025 06:41

My advice would be that mid life is really hard and dissatisfaction goes up massively for most people in 40s. This is the worst time and it gets much much better.
I would say embark on project make this life more exciting' before making a decision.
Get him on board - he wants this to work, he cares about being with you.
Start booking in regular nights out a few times a month - maybe each take turns to book something the other would enjoy - go to gigs, comedy, bars, sports, arts cinema, free arts or music events
Plan your evenings differently so you have an hour or so where you chat, or stroll around the block.
Plan a trip away from the dc if it's feasible.
Read stuff together or start a shared group or interest.
And do some of these types of things just on your own as well, or with friends,
You deserve to live the life you want, and it's ok to leave if you can't make it here.

RoachFish · 29/03/2025 06:50

Only leave if you think you'll be happier on your own rather than with your OH. Dating in your 40s can be pretty dire, most of the good and fun men are taken so don't leave thinking you will meet someone better. If you do it's a bonus.

I left after 20-something years with my exh but I left because he was horrible and I couldn't stand him. I am 100 times happier on my own than with him so it was a no-brainer really. All the things you want more of (having a laugh, banter, having a drink, going out) are things I do with my friends so I don't feel the need for another man.

Original poster

HayleyD84 · 29/03/2025 22:25

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We are unable to go out together as we don't have anyone to watch the kids.
So very difficult to get couple time x

OP posts:

JorgyPorgy · 29/03/2025 23:30

HayleyD84 · 29/03/2025 22:25

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We are unable to go out together as we don't have anyone to watch the kids.
So very difficult to get couple time x

Could you put kids to bed early once a week & have a date night at home? Cook a nice meal together, mix a cocktail or have a glass of wine? Good men are hard to find

Hotdayinjuly · 29/03/2025 23:37

I left a relationship a bit like yours. The effect on my youngest is a huge source of guilt. We are very different people and now he has 2 quite different homes to navigate whereas before he had a sort of compromise/me being the ‘main’ parent in the joint home.

BeerAndMusic · 30/03/2025 02:06

Dont give up - sounds like there are good foundations. but a relationship needs time and effort.

Whatonearthdoiknow · 30/03/2025 02:19

JorgyPorgy · 29/03/2025 23:30

Could you put kids to bed early once a week & have a date night at home? Cook a nice meal together, mix a cocktail or have a glass of wine? Good men are hard to find

Show quote history

Agree with this. Some of our best “dates” are at home ones. One of us makes an effort to cook something special, set the table nicely, dress up a bit, open the good wine. We have been together more than 20 years and we still do it. It makes a difference.

Original poster

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 03:43

Hotdayinjuly · 29/03/2025 23:37

I left a relationship a bit like yours. The effect on my youngest is a huge source of guilt. We are very different people and now he has 2 quite different homes to navigate whereas before he had a sort of compromise/me being the ‘main’ parent in the joint home.

Do you regret leaving? X

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Original poster

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 03:44

Whatonearthdoiknow · 30/03/2025 02:19

Agree with this. Some of our best “dates” are at home ones. One of us makes an effort to cook something special, set the table nicely, dress up a bit, open the good wine. We have been together more than 20 years and we still do it. It makes a difference.

Show quote history

The issue is, I like a drink and he doesn't, so it's just very stale, i have a few drinks and he's sober. We just end up both sitting on our phones :-(

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Original poster

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 03:45

JorgyPorgy · 29/03/2025 23:30

Could you put kids to bed early once a week & have a date night at home? Cook a nice meal together, mix a cocktail or have a glass of wine? Good men are hard to find

Show quote history

Trouble is, I like and drink and he doesn't, so I loosen up but he doesn't :-(

OP posts:

Hotdayinjuly · 30/03/2025 07:05

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 03:43

Do you regret leaving? X

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I think truthfully no, but I struggle a lot with this.

amiadoormat · 30/03/2025 07:41

From someone who is a single parent - not by choice and im dealing with the emotional impact that has had/ is having/ will always have on children around the same age as yours I would say don’t do it. You get married and have children you have a responsibility to those children to make it work. He sounds like a decent guy - so what if he’s a bit boring. Online dating is a cesspit so do you honestly think at your age as a single mun you are going to find a passionate lust filled new man? I’ve got news for you….odds are you won’t.
instead you’ll lose half the precious time you have with your children - have to share bdays and Christmas and special events all the whilst knowing that statistically children do better when their parents stay together and you’ve gone and disadvantaged them…not to mention the financial impact on them - reality is they will have less because their parents 2 incomes has to cover 2 households and not one.

my eldest hates her dad for leaving (she’s same age as yours) she’ll never forgive him. Do you want her to feel that way towards you?

JorgyPorgy · 30/03/2025 10:23

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 03:45

Trouble is, I like and drink and he doesn't, so I loosen up but he doesn't :-(

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Well that’s ok if he prefers not to drink, get him a zero alcohol beer or make a nice mocktail. It’s about trying to carve out a bit of QT together.

ColinFuckingRobinson · 30/03/2025 11:54

You say you're feeling low. How low are we talking? How long have you felt this way? Is there warmth and friendship in your day to day interactions?

If you're able to accept your marriage as it is, accept him for who he is, without sadness and resentment colouring your view of things then coasting along might work. If loneliness, boredom, the unmet need for affection and intimacy are too difficult to bear, then going your separate ways might be the better option. Neither are wrong.

I think many people stay together for the children without taking into account what that looks like to the children. Having spent years in a sexless marriage "for the children," I realised that modeling healthy relationships is part of good parenting. Many of us learned unhealthy patterns from our parents, tolerating or repeating them in our own relationships. Kids don’t just learn from what we say, they pick up on emotional distance, lack of warmth and connection, and when parents are just going through the motions. They may not consciously be aware of it at the time, but as they get older they'll gain more understanding.

Imgoingtobefree · 30/03/2025 12:35

I think you have a couple of options.

Try relationship counselling if you want to try to stay together.

Or hope for the best and plan for the worst. In my experience things like this don’t get better, nor do they just stay the same. It generally gets worse. In my case my ex got mean and spiteful.

Get ducks in a row, know where all the money is and what financial situation will be if you leave. You don’t have to let your partner know any of this. Knowledge is power and knowing what the future could be may make you less intimidated by it.

Then if things become unbearable - this year, next year, in 5/10 years - you are ready to take action.

Some may say that this is no way to live and that’s very true. But it can take a long time to accept a marriage is over.

Original poster

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 17:49

amiadoormat · 30/03/2025 07:41

From someone who is a single parent - not by choice and im dealing with the emotional impact that has had/ is having/ will always have on children around the same age as yours I would say don’t do it. You get married and have children you have a responsibility to those children to make it work. He sounds like a decent guy - so what if he’s a bit boring. Online dating is a cesspit so do you honestly think at your age as a single mun you are going to find a passionate lust filled new man? I’ve got news for you….odds are you won’t.
instead you’ll lose half the precious time you have with your children - have to share bdays and Christmas and special events all the whilst knowing that statistically children do better when their parents stay together and you’ve gone and disadvantaged them…not to mention the financial impact on them - reality is they will have less because their parents 2 incomes has to cover 2 households and not one.

my eldest hates her dad for leaving (she’s same age as yours) she’ll never forgive him. Do you want her to feel that way towards you?

I really don't think this comment was needed, I've come on here for help and advice not for someone to have a go at me and take their anger and feelings out on.
I appreciate honestly, but not too be spoken to like this!!

OP posts:

Original poster

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 17:53

ColinFuckingRobinson · 30/03/2025 11:54

You say you're feeling low. How low are we talking? How long have you felt this way? Is there warmth and friendship in your day to day interactions?

If you're able to accept your marriage as it is, accept him for who he is, without sadness and resentment colouring your view of things then coasting along might work. If loneliness, boredom, the unmet need for affection and intimacy are too difficult to bear, then going your separate ways might be the better option. Neither are wrong.

I think many people stay together for the children without taking into account what that looks like to the children. Having spent years in a sexless marriage "for the children," I realised that modeling healthy relationships is part of good parenting. Many of us learned unhealthy patterns from our parents, tolerating or repeating them in our own relationships. Kids don’t just learn from what we say, they pick up on emotional distance, lack of warmth and connection, and when parents are just going through the motions. They may not consciously be aware of it at the time, but as they get older they'll gain more understanding.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Can I ask, are you together now?
Do you regret staying?

OP posts:

ColinFuckingRobinson · 30/03/2025 18:06

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 17:53

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Can I ask, are you together now?
Do you regret staying?

Show quote history

No, we divorced years ago. It was fairly amicable, for the most part, and now we coparent our teenage DC 50/50. It was a huge upheaval, I won't lie, and very difficult at times getting used life without him, but we're much happier apart. He's gone on to marry a very lovely woman who is great with the DC. It's nice to see him happy. More importantly, the DC are happy.

I know for sure that had we stayed together much longer, contempt would have set in. If you can rub along without that happening, maybe staying together is the thing to do. It absolutely wouldn't have worked for us, though.

Snorlaxo · 30/03/2025 18:12

It’s easiest to stay together for financial reasons but coasting along only works until one of you meets someone that you want to start an affair with.

RoachFish · 31/03/2025 14:09

HayleyD84 · 30/03/2025 17:49

I really don't think this comment was needed, I've come on here for help and advice not for someone to have a go at me and take their anger and feelings out on.
I appreciate honestly, but not too be spoken to like this!!

Show quote history

It really doesn't have to be as dramatic as how that poster described it. Most people are able to divorce without creating lasting animosity between the parents or parents and children. There will most likely be an adjustment period where feelings are raw but for most people that settles quite quickly and considering half of the marriages end up in divorce I am sure your kids have friends who have divorced parents too. It's not such an outrage anymore, especially if there is no affair or abuse.