Husband’s mood swings - is it my fault?

[BruceAlmightee]

Please help. I feel really on my own with no one to turn to with regards to a husband, who, on the face of it, and to others including our DC, is kind, loving, and family-oriented but with me, changes personality and can be critical of me and mean. He’s had a bad week at work. I have tried to be understanding, but it’s hard to offer warm and support after everything what I’ve been through with him. Addiction, constant lies about his addictions, no sex for years, he’s seemingly being nice and seemingly wanting to make a go of the relationship, but then if any crises come up like this week, he becomes critical and irritated at me. I am not an easy person to live with according to him.

Lately, with brain fog (I think I am neurodivergent) as well as anxiety and depression due to years of stress with his behaviour, I’ve not kept up with the tidy household which have been left to him. I still do the school scheduling, paying bills, keeping up with current building work. Oh, and I’m working full time on pittance pay.

I try to talk to my family, but they believe I’m the problem who is affecting the DC with my seemingly erratic waays when I’m in fact reacting to his behaviour. Tonight he’s really goaded me about my skills as a mother, telling me I’m damaged. This is because DD wanted her BF to sleep over, but I’ve said no because the house is messy with building work and I feel stressed after his moodiness and arguing. I’m lying here crying in bed. I feel guilty I’ve said no to them and I now feel I’m the damaged one. I’m just so tired of him. I just can’t deal with his behaviour anymore. I feel unloved and lonely. Am I being unreasonable?

I’ve spoken to legal advice. It’s going to be costly to divorce, but I think for my sanity I have to leave. If you have got this far, thank you for reading. I’d welcome any help, positivity, or even a reality check if it is me. My DC and family want us to remain as a unit (he leaves his nastiness for me, he plays recovering addict martyr with them), but I can no longer live like this.

Your DH sounds like a narcissist. If he is, the problem is definitely not you! Look it up and see if he matches the usual narc traits, as you have likely been manipulated and gaslit for years.

@SwisswolvesLilley Thank you for replying, I’m never sure he is as he makes me feel like I’m the awful one! I feel exhausted and upset after his accusations this evening. I very much am a caring partner to him, I supported him through dark times. However he totally disregards my anxiety and deep pain over his past and current actions.

I can't see any reason to stay.

It’s a classic narcissist trait to deflect all the blame onto you. That’s what narcs do, take no responsibility whatsoever and deflect their behaviour onto others. Your DH is not your responsibility to fix and he’s clearly dragged you down over time until your confidence is rock bottom. I feel for you, the leaving part will be very difficult but life is too short to stay in a loveless shell of a marriage. Get out and take your life back.

Yes I do feel like I’ve hit even below rock bottom. This morning he’ll either bring up a cup of tea as his way of saying sorry, or avoid me doing DIY or cooking. I hate being married to him. I hate feeling so weak to leave.

Hang in their OP. This is the bottom , but you will rise again. You have been so brave in getting legal advice, you’ve started your journey. It’s time to leave and get back to your old self. Don’t worry about others judgement of you, it’s so hard to live with a narcissist as they often behave differently with others who don’t know how bad they are.

I’m sorry your family aren’t supporting you while you’re being abused by that nasty addict. Seek support from other places like WA or keep posting here.

Hi OP, my family especially my mother had truly awful judgement and dreadful values, my mother sympathised with rapists for example! I know everyone hates the Daily Mail but my mother found fault with it for being too left wing!
So forget what your family think, and accept the opinion on here of women who really get you.
Why should your life and happiness be less important than your husbands? Leave him.

Thank you all for your support. It’s seriously exhausting me this cycle of his behaviour, to the point my body is being severely impacted by this awful, awful marriage. I’m scared though, my anxiety holds me back and then I’m swayed by his switch to being nice and amenable.

My mother sympathises with his predicaments more than her own daughter’s crises so to pursue anything against the tide of my family wishes is hard.

Yes hang in there and muster the strength somehow to leave, it will be worth it. Currently he is scape goating you as the bad one, must be very difficult.

@BruceAlmightee
“Awful awful marriage” you say! You’re on shifting sand. Bad guy, good guy. It’s dreadful and exhausting.

Come on woman, take legal advice for a start, explore what your options are with other organisations, charities, Women’s Aid etc and hopefully from that, get the hell out of there.
No more crying alone on the bed, put big girl knickers on, lift your head up and move on without him.

Monday - take one small step to freedom from this s**t.
Good luck.

It might be that your parents are part of the reason you ended up with an abusive man - they don't sound like supportive people and kind of dysfunctional to expect you to put up with what you have. What was your childhood like?

It may be that you need distance from them as well as to end the marriage.

Big girl pants are needed! Thank you!

My parents are a whole thread in themselves! I have never felt safe or understood by them. Yes agree, that is. probably why I ended up with him but my children love them so I’m always trying to keep everyone happy, to the expense of my own needs.

I think you might consider whether that's worth the pain and impact on you and your wellbeing.

And what impact your parents may have on your children if not now, in the future. And if they might put a wedge between you and your children.

I know we all want to give our dc the conventional family ideal, but contact with toxic relatives isn't necessarily in their interests short or long-term.

Especially if their behaviour harms you. Your wellbeing is most important to your kids, because it's you they depend on.

Time to think about your own needs here.

Op I think we all hit out the most when we’re tired at the people closest to us, but that does not mean it’s ok. Your parents and family blaming you can’t be easy either. Even if it is partly you, you deserve help, understanding and no blame x

That is absolutely typical abusive behaviour from him. Look up DARVO.

Why are his moods your fault? That makes NO sense!

You ve got building work going on ? Stressful for everyone and messy!
How long will this last?