Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I had sex with my ex-DH and I am trying to figure out where we go from here

16 replies

TheKeenCat · 28/03/2025 22:00

I've been divorced from my ex-husband for 14 months. We were married for 15 years. Both in our mid-40s (45 and 46). We have one DC together who we have been co-parenting. There were a variety of reasons that led to the divorce. Some of it was him becoming increasingly grouchy and miserable towards the end, not taking care of himself and generally not making an effort with our marriage. Our sex life was also dwindling. He was always a great dad, but the marriage itself just wasn't working for a long time before we got divorced. I think to summarise, you could say we had irreconcilable differences.

Since the divorce, things have been amicable between us and we have been co-parenting our teenage DS. We occasionally meet up to discuss mundane things like who is paying for school trips or buying new trainers for our DS. Recently, the chats have been getting a little bit more cosy and intimate. I was at his house last week (he moved out after the divorce), and we ended up talking about our relationship situations. He said has had a couple of dates but doesn't feel ready for another relationship. I told him I am still single and haven't been dating anyone. We talked for about 2 hours. After we had been talking for a while, we started kissing, then it progressed from there and we ended up having sex. He initiated it, but I was a fully willing participant. It just felt right when it happened. I am now wondering if I should just leave it as a one-off and just continue as we were while co-parenting amicably, or if it would be a good idea to get into a friends-with-benefits situation with my ex-DH where we basically continue the amicable co-parenting, whilst also having sex occasionally to fulfil each other's needs in that regard. It seems clear to me that we still have residual feelings for each other. We haven't really discussed what happened in great detail, aside from me saying it was really nice, and him saying the same.

I've been looking at relationship posts on MN, Reddit and a few other places and apparently it's common for ex-partners to end up having sex, either as a one-time thing or an ongoing situation. Has anyone been in a situation like this with their ex, and what are your thoughts on my particular situation?

OP posts:

Becauseofit · 28/03/2025 22:13

It depends how you feel. YOU not him. Depends how the relationship ended and who ended it and why. Also if one of you want to consider getting back together or it'd a fwb arrangement. This last option could cause a lot of hurt if one of you finds someone new.
I'd think very carefully before deciding what you want and as much as I truly, truly hope this isn't true, you may have to consider that one or both of you may be using eachother for sex or just out of loneliness. If it's both of you then cracked on. Don't leave yourself vulnerable though. It's a tricky situation.

fourelementary · 28/03/2025 22:15

I don’t think it’s ever a good idea, sorry. Too messy. I think many people could still do it as it’s so familiar in many ways- but like an alcoholic avoiding any booze forever or else they’d just fall back into drinking excessive amounts, it’s best to have a zero policy for sex with an ex.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 28/03/2025 22:20

A FWB situation is a bad idea. You co-parent amicably, put your child first and don't do anything to mess that up. Things could very nasty if you meet someone new or you want to end the FWB deal . Write it off as a one time thing then get on with doing what's best for your child.

SwordOfOmens · 28/03/2025 22:22

God no! Don't do it.

Millyjanice · 28/03/2025 22:24

Nothing wrong with fwb if you both feel the same and are able to not get emotionally involved.
However, I think from the sound of it, you both still have feelings for each other and that’s where the problem lies.
It’s never going to be fwb in this case. It will end up messy. You might end up trying to get back together but old issues will arise.
And caught in the middle of it all, once again, will be your dc.
I'd treat it as a one off.

Tosca23 · 28/03/2025 22:49

sounds messy. If you want no strings sex you’ll find lots of willing participants on dating apps. Exes are generally exes for a reason. Or maybe you shouldn’t have got divorced….if so, maybe that’s something you could both talk about…

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/03/2025 23:10

A friend divorced in Her forties. Stayed friends with ex DH ( no kids), remarried ten years later.

life is complicated. People change; do what feels right.

2XChromosomes · 28/03/2025 23:31

FWB a truly terrible idea, confusing for your son also as interaction's will obviously spill over. If you both still have feelings, you maybe should have processed that before divorcing....but then again, a lot of people get remarried....

MounjaroOnMyMind · 28/03/2025 23:40

FWB definitely won't work. Either slowly get back together or never do that again.

millymollymoomoo · 29/03/2025 06:57

Terribly idea! It will end badly and you’ll screw up your co parenting and your child will be caught in the middle!

GardenRat · 29/03/2025 15:40

I don't think sex with an ex is necessarily a bad thing in all cases. It depends on the circumstances. I think the question for me is whether either of you is hoping to have a relationship with anyone else in the future. If not then crack on I say. If one of you meets someone else then it could get messy.

Maitri108 · 29/03/2025 16:11

if it would be a good idea to get into a friends-with-benefits situation with my ex-DH

Really, really bad idea.

bringmerain · 29/03/2025 16:35

You divorced for a reason why would you want it back hanging around in your life its time to move on.
To be very honest with you op FWB is not what it is or would be hes your ex husband nothing you do is nothing you havent done all ready with him.

Loopytiles · 29/03/2025 16:40

FWB doesn’t seem realistic in the circumstances.

If you still think and feel that the issues are irreconcilable or would like to reconcile but don’t think he is or think it wouldn’t work, best avoid sex with him.

If you’re open to reconciling it’d be better to talk about it all properly rather than drift into something.

Bigpakchoi · 29/03/2025 17:01

SwordOfOmens · 28/03/2025 22:22

God no! Don't do it.

This.

What if he meets someone and wants to stop FWB with you? Can you handle that and not be affected at all? What if they move in and go on to marry etc.

Do not let FWB situation affect your amicable co-parenting of your teen. They come first.

OchreRaven · 29/03/2025 17:22

If you continued to sleep together consider how you would feel if he drops into the conversation he’s been dating someone? Would you feel angry? Hurt? And even if you wouldn’t care do you know he would feel the same?

And if you agree to be exclusive, are sleeping together, co-parenting and friends how is this any different than being in a relationship?

If you think you made a mistake and want to get back together then maybe continue cautiously but if you actually want to find someone new in the future nip this in the bud before it gets toxic.

Flip