Need advice

[LHJ13]

My husband and I have been having a few marital problems since our baby was born. We have a period where everything is fine and then something happens which takes us straight back to square one.

Over the last couple of days, I’ve been taking care of our little baby who is sick (he works full time and works really hard and I’m on mat leave). But that means I’ve had about 8 hours sleep in the last two days as I’m also breastfeeding and baby won’t take a bottle so I have to do every feed and never be too far away. I also have the baby’s cold so I’m really struggling to function right now.

I asked if he could help tonight after he is back from the pub (he goes to the pub at least once a week for a whole night). He begrudgingly said yes.

After he had been out for four hours, I asked him if he could come home to help. He said no and that he would be a few more hours, that was another 4 hours ago so he has been out 8 hours now. Obviously, he can’t take care of the baby now so that’s me again doing it all, but I just feel like he must not like me or respect me at all to do that or I am being too dramatic? Just if it was the other way around, I wouldn’t do it, he also hasn’t once asked or checked in to see if me or his baby is okay (given that we are both ill) in the eight hours.

When you have a baby your life changes a lot in the first few months. You can’t just swan around like a carefree person. He should be at home helping you not living his best life down the pub, presumably getting shitfaced so he can’t help in the night so you can get some sleep.

Forgot to add, when he comes back from the pub, he often goes to his mates house who lives down the street and drinks there with him and his wife, but I’m never invited if the wife is drinking with them. Feels like I just get left out and I’m the odd one out with his friends and partners.

He’s a prince. Was he like this before the baby? He needs to grow up and step up! Do not put up with this shit.

He's clearly showing you what his priorities are. He'd rather spend family money down the pub and be with his friends than taking care of his wife and child.

He's lucky he's got a free housekeeper and childminder or he wouldn't be able to continue his single life.

Have a new baby myself and would bit the roof if my DH acted this way.

You and the baby should be his priority. Every relationship has it's struggles in the early days but this shouldn't be part of it.

Do you have family you could stay with for support while he hopefully learns a very hard lesson.

Unfortunately no family nearby, they live a couple of hours away. He’s still not back and it’s been nearly 9 hours now since he went out.

He doesn't see you or the little one as a priority. I'd want to be at home with my baby rather than swanning off to the pub and friends houses! Even more so with little one being poorly.

He needs to shape up big style.

This is not ok, i'm so sorry. Last thing you need to deal with having a new baby.

Can you have a trip to stay with family at some point. Get some help and a change of scenery?

This sounds like a really good idea if you have parents/ relatives who would help out and give you a break. Its so unfair for you, you must be feeling rubbish. He needs to grow up and realise he's now got responsibilities. Nip it in the bud now by being firm about what you need or it will only get worse. I'd also be trying to get baby to have a bottle now and then, I know it's not easy but at least then he'd be able to do some feeds and not wriggle out of everything.

He eventually came home 12 hours later (and 7 phone calls later) and said he’d look after the baby, I said no because you are too drunk and he said well ‘I can’t win’. It’s just cemented how little he cares about me

I know other men like this. How old is he? If very young he may change, but he may not. You could be dealing with this shit for years. It may be easier for you to do it alone - I would certainly be considering all options having seen what some women I know have put up with. It’s about priorities. My dh wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that when the kids were young (or now tbh). He would have wanted to be with his poorly baby

That's just awful. I think I would be making plans to leave or get him to leave. You'd be better off on your own without all the aggravation of having to chase him up all the time. Maybe it would shock him into changing, maybe not. A lot of men carry on like this their whole life and it's a miserable life for a woman. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

he said well ‘I can’t win’.

Sorry but he's a thick, selfish, manipulative arsehole. He could easily 'win' by not being a prick, by being a good father and partner and being there not at the pub. He's not going to change. It's up to you whether you put up with it or cut your losses and split up. You're doing it alone anyway, but with his idiocy to manage.

Op you need to spell this out to him. DH your priorities have now changed. You work, you look after your baby, you look after your wife, you do all the boring shit that entails and only then…if everything else is taken care of, you then get a bit of spare time to act like a fucking child. If his priorities can’t align in that order, this man is of no value to you op. You’re setting yourself up to be a doormat