Growing up my mom would just go silent on us if she was upset. I learned how to function in that environment, but now when I get upset about things I isolate myself from everyone. My boyfriend hates that about me and I’m working on that but I still struggle with it. I have told my boyfriend (he’s the only person) about all that I went through as a child.
My dad passed away at a young age and I remember finding out by watching the news that could be why I have a hard time with deaths now. I stepped up and helped my mother a lot by cooking, cleaning, staying home with my siblings. By the time I was in highschool I came home and immediately started dinner and then had to clean after everyone.
I never said anything to my mom about how tired I was or asking my siblings for help because she would just make excuses for reasons why my younger siblings did not have to help. 9th grade my mom threatened to put my in an all girls home. We sat in the office and talked with a man about sending me away and I remember being very upset because my mom made me seem like a horrible child.
She did things that made me wonder about her. My very first boyfriend cheated I was angry and asked him to gather his things. When he came I opened to door wide enough and gave him his belongings. My mother was right behind me telling me how that was rude and went outside to talk to him. Yes I was very upset and couldn’t understand why she did that.
My mom had a best friend and she had a son. Her son use to do things that he shouldn’t have and I never spoke to her about it because he said nobody would believe me(he was 6 years older that me). She still does not know to this day. About that situation and a situation with a family member. I never felt comfortable enough to tell her.
I Moved out at 18 but she still helped me sometimes with a ride to or from work. When I moved out I started dating this guy he was 11 years older than me and I went through a lot in that relationship. He stole and cheated on me which my mom knew about and still wanted to be around him. After ended things with him he threatened me for months I also told her about it. They no longer speak now be he stole from her as well.
I told my current bf about these things and more and he tells me constantly how much he hates my mother. I try not to think much about these things because I want a relationship with my mom and she’s not like this anymore. When he says this I can’t do anything but go silent because hearing him say that upsets me.
Hes told me my mother is a manipulator and he doesn’t want me around her because she messes with my energy. He has compared me to my mom in arguments and it makes me so angry because I’ve tried everything to not be like her. I admit I can go silent after arguments/or to prevent arguments.
Which only makes him angry and I understand that’s why I’m working on it. We’ve had some great times but also some bad. And Everytime I’m made out to be just like my mother. Because of these arguments I sometimes choose not to say anything if he’s done something that I’m not ok with(inviting friend over without telling me). He just recently moved in and since he’s been here he’s crossing a lot of boundaries. When I do speak up I “don’t know how to talk to a man” “you’re just like your mother” or flat out “I didn’t do/say that”. He then will tell me” I didn’t tell you not to say anything you choose to” yes to have peace.
He has told me numerous times because I didn’t grow up with a dad in the house I don’t know what love is. During our time together he has done some amazing things but he’s also done/said horrible things to me. When I bring these things up again we go back to my mother and “I live in the past and know how to ruin his mood just like your mother”. Always bring up my mom is really starting to upset me.
I have done some serious self reflection and I have stopped drinking. I have changed who I hang around all because of the things he said during an argument. I have tried therapy to work through my issues but all she did was agree with everything I said. I felt like I was not getting anything out of going to therapy. He was totally against therapy at first then told me I needed help and if I felt therapy was right to check it out.
I understand relationships take hard work and I also understand the things I told him about my mom were hard to hear. She’s not that person anymore and while I’m trying to build a relationship with her. It’s tearing this relationship with him apart.