Favouritism with parent/grandparent

[Sister94]

We've been really lucky that we've had several babies born in a short space of time and it's been lovely to share this experience with my siblings. I've not wanted to speak to them about this as it's not their fault and if I raised this with my parents it would just cause issues.

I've felt for a long time that I'm not the favourite sibling of either of my parents and this may be the root cause of the issue. However, since having my baby and the glaring difference in how they/we are treated it just makes my heart hurt.
Some examples:
Travelling weekly to see one sibiling during mat leave and only seeing me when passing through, these visit stopped after she finished mat leave.

When i suggested about coming to baby classes with me, making nasty comment about me just trying to get a break from my baby when the babysit for my siblings for things like hair appointments. They have never babysat for us and have cancelled the only time we requested.

Not printing photos of my baby but filling the photo frame with an additional photo of their other grandchild. They've also not printed any of our wedding photos whilst they printed ones from my siblings wedding within weeks.

Once when we were staying with them they decided to both travel 1.5 round trip to drop my siblings family off rather then spend time with my baby and say goodbye to us. We had to let ourselves out.

Made arrangements to arrive late to my child 1st birthday party and leave early the next day so they could spend more with their other grandchildren (who were also invited to the party). They talk non stop about one grandchildren in particular.

My husband is working away next week so i invited my parents to visit a few weeks ago so they can spend more time with my baby. They've said they are now too busy and can come up if they are "needed".

They're are really fair with all siblings with gifts and will always help when required. It just hurts that they don't want to see me or my baby. I'm also worried that my child will pick up on the favouritism as they get older. What do I do to get over the hurt and protect my child from feeling the same?

Are your in-laws nice and importantly emotionally healthy?. If they are I would further cultivate a relationship with them along with building your own social circle of friends. consider using an agency like Sitters if you want babysitters.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your parents have made you the family scapegoat and as a result your children will be scapegoated as well. Your siblings are the more favoured golden children but that is not a role without price either although they are unaware of this. Stay away from your parents and keep your kids well away from them too. With you out of the frame hopefully they will further turn against each other.

I would read Children of the Self absorbed by Nina W Brown and post/read the current well. We took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

For a start, your baby is a baby and knows nothing of adult rivalries or jealousy. There's no reason to think he or she will when older -- deal with that when or if it happens. At the moment, this is your own perception that you're the least favoured of your parents' children. If they've had several grandchildren born within a short period of time, it's hardly surprising if they're a bit 'grandchilded out', surely? Or that they're trying to spread themselves around. You're hyper-focused on making sure your slice of cake is the same size as your siblings', but they're probably thinking 'God, lots of babies.'

Also, bluntly, someone has to be the least liked child -- I'm fond of my parents, though they were fairly disastrous parents, but if I'm not exactly their 'least-favoured' child, it's fair to say I'm the dutiful eldest one, who can be overlooked.

It’s not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. This is all on them.

What does your H think of your parents?.

and no, no one child now adult should be or feel like the least liked child. But it happens in dysfunctional families. Who’s the driver here - is it your mum or dad?. Who enables the other here?

Also, bluntly, someone has to be the least liked child @CocklesandMuscles

No they don't!
We genuinely do not have favourites and both DCs will say they don't feel we've shown any favouritism.

Op it's so upsetting what your family are doing.

Have you ever asked them about it?

One of my siblings is the golden child and knows it to be true themselves. My parents always say I'm being too sensitive and that my sibling had extra needs, that I was so independent and didn't them as much.

Whatever they think the reason is, it hurts, and I learnt years ago to not expect anything.

You might need to go low contact to protect your feelings, and don't expect them to even notice which will also hurt, but the sooner you stop looking to them for anything the better.

Both me and my husband were the least favoured children, which resulted in our children being the least favoured on both sides. We are also the most self sufficient and the ones that stand on our own two feet. Probably not a coincidence, just necessity. It is hurtful to me still now from time to time, and my kids eventually noticed, which wasn’t great. I was aware how my parents felt at a very very young age and it has damaged my relationships as an adult. I have an ok enough relationship with my surviving parent but it’s hard enough listening to how fantastical the other grandchildren are. Sorry, I have no advice except to maybe accept it, no point upsetting yourself further trying to make them be fair. It only highlights the inequality. Just know there’s nothing wrong with you. Sometimes it’s just down to the fact that the other sibling/siblings are needier and more vocal in demanding attention. No doubt about it though, it does hurt.

Thanks for your messages and sorry if I miss some questions.
My in laws are lovely but on a whole are less involved familywise and there are less family meetings ups in general. When our baby was first born they didn't seem that interested (only saw them a couple of times in the first few months) but I think they didnt want to impose on us. Me and my husband have tried to involve them more and should carry on doing that.

Thanks for the advice. It's not necessarily childcare that I'm bothered about. It's more that they barely have a relationship with my baby whilst jumping at opportunities to see their other Grandchildren.
My husband likes my family and we've talked about this several times. He's advice to make ourselves less available. As one poster said we're quite self-sufficient and just get on with things.
I need to think more about whether to say something. However, I don't think they can help it as it's not conscious behaviour. I think I can only change my behaviour and response to things.

Thanks everyone for your advice, I think I just needed to offload a bit.

I was the scapegoat child and least favoured, kicked out when I was 16 for something tribual and had to live on my own. I have decided to go nc with my family. Enjoy your little family.

Puzzles

I would go low contact and stop playing the “pick me” game. You won’t win, it will upset and exhaust you and your child will pick up on this. Go low contact and make friends and contacts with other supportive mums.