Another in law one

[Littlemisschatterbox2]

I am finding it really hard to bite my tongue and rise above my in laws low key unpleasant behaviour.
I love my DH and we are happy together so I try to vent to friends about his parents not him as they’re his parents and he obviously loves them.
I always knew his parents were selfish and didn’t really like me (the type no one would be good enough). However I am getting less and less tolerant of their behaviour for example if they come to us they will not bring any food or drink fair enough we are hosting. If we go there I now take my own drink as they will only buy in what they like and what DH drinks or I just don’t drink and we don’t stop.
is this normal behaviour? To me it’s not but my parents are generous to a fault it’s literally 2 extremes so it’s hard to make a fair judgement.

It is thoughtless behaviour, possibly passive aggressive and petty - hard to say really. You know how it makes you feel and it isn't how you behave though - that's enough. I've got selfish & thoughtless in-laws but the difference is that DH very much sees it (and it is not directly specifically towards me in any way).

I would continue to bite your tongue though and accept the situation as it is - just control how you act. Accept that if you go round there you take your own drinks and it is your DH hosting them in your home, not you (drop the rope in terms of suggesting invitations and getting involved with cooking/shopping etc - no declarations of this just don't use any initiative - help your DH if he asks but full mental load is on him).

What does your husband think of his parents behaviour?. Is he a man or a mouse in their presence?. Is he mired in fear, obligation and guilt re them?. Does he have siblings, if so how are they treated?.

He may want to continue to have a relationship with them but that does not mean you have to do the same. Read Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.

for example if they come to us they will not bring any food or drink fair enough we are hosting. If we go there I now take my own drink as they will only buy in what they like and what DH drinks or I just don’t drink and we don’t stop.
is this normal behaviour? To me it’s not but my parents are generous to a fault it’s literally 2 extremes so it’s hard to make a fair judgement.

Annoying though this is, I have come to realie that a lot of people really are just very bad at hosting. I have long taken my own drinks to my SIL's house becuase she just doesn't think about it. She's extremely generous and if she DID think about it, she'd be rushing out to the shop to buy something, but it literally doesn't cross her mind.

Having said that, if there is constant low level passive aggressive behaviour, you could try the tactic I used to use on my aunt who was the QUEEN of this sort of thing: basically, I'd just agree with every single thing in a super sweet way. So, for example, she liked to make snide remarks about my parents and I'd say, "ooh, yes, isn't it lovely how mum and dad can afford that new car. Dad's pleased as punch". In your case it could be, "Hi MIL. How lovely to see you. I've brought thi sbottle of my favourite red - I'll just open it in the kitchen shall I?"

My own mother is my mum and of course she knows my likes and dislikes and of course she will enjoy 'feeding' me or treating me because I am her chick. You are comparing apples with oranges.

If I have invited people to my home, sorry, if we have invited people to our home then I would never 'expect' them to bring food or drink with them. That is such an alien and bizarre concept to me. It's lovely if they do, but it would never be an expectation just because my mother does it.

If I am visiting somebody else, I will take with me my own choice of drink because I would never expect somebody to get a supply of zero percent Guinness in just for me. I can't see what is the problem?

Yeah i wouldn't expect family to bring anything when coming for a meal, if it was a larger gathering then maybe I'd feel differently.

What drink do you take with you? Surely they have tea/coffee/water you could drink?

My ex in laws didn't have fizzy drinks in the house, I like a Diet Coke, I didn't expect them to buy it in for me. I'd either take my own or have something else

What you've described of in laws behaviour isn't rude or horrible or abusive. Mildly annoying at worst.

I wouldn't expect anyone to bring anything to my house if I've invited them over. That said, i wouldn't go to someone's house without bringing a little something for them as a thanks for hosting. I'd take my MIL flowers when she was alive and cooked dinner for us.

My issue is your husband. If he sees this behaviour from them and knows its not right and the way it makes you feel, why doesn't he say something about it?

It silently says to me “you aren’t that important”. If we care about people we want them to be happy and comfortable and feel wanted when they visit because we care about the feelings of others. If that meant keeping a couple of their favourite drinks then how bloody hard is that. It says that you are wanted when you come here, we hold space for you. It’s not nice behaviour.

If this is all you have to worry about with your in-laws consider yourself lucky!

My dil doesn’t really drink alcohol so I always buy something like schloer or a fruity fizzy drink that she may like.
Your in-laws are very selfish.
I usually take something to anyone hosting us even if it’s just fancy biscuits.

My dbil and his dw who think they are something out of Jane Austen in the gentility stakes always arrive empty handed. They also never say thank you for gifts. Really irritates me.

Your two examples of their bad behaviour aren't exactly horrific. I would not expect any guests to bring food or drink to my home, especially family. As for them not buying your favourite drink well yes it's irritating but hardly worth starting a war over. I think more context is needed.

If they didn’t go out their way to buy in what DH likes I would get it, but it comes across like they just don’t want me there. I get he is their son and therefore the priority but surely they should want his wife to also feel welcome. I just find it odd, DH and I make a joke out of it i am sure he is embarrassed but he doesn’t like confrontation so has never tackled them about it.

@Condensedmilkdrinker theres more a lots more but this is the probably to most low key petty behaviour.

Not nice behaviour. I experience similar with my in-laws, (have never been made to feel ‘welcome’ for no good reason). I don’t tolerate it any longer and just don’t go round anymore and feel better for doing so.