How do you know when it’s time to break up?

[Tattyteddy2]

That really. 2 dc under 3. Unmarried, been together 5 years. Property is solely in my name and solely paid for by myself, oh pays ‘rent’.

The good - similar interests/hobbies/tastes and long term aspirations. I trust that he wouldn’t cheat or anything like that. Hardworking (but this affects me none as his contributions are little either way).

The bad - huge differences in parenting styles, financial imbalance (‘rent’ covers around a quarter of the cost of total household bills) previous to this though the contribution was zero, imbalance in household chores (I do all cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, and most of the gardening), sex life ZERO (is this just due to having young kids ? Not sure), oh has lots of time for hobbies and socialising so much so that he’s recently been able to take up an additional hobby, meanwhile I’m scratching my head over the water bill?!, don’t feel supported (as an example parent had a very important hospital appointment regarding palliative care that I wanted to attend, gave around 3 weeks notice and arranged childcare for 1 child so only left the youngest for him to look after for a few hours, a week before said he couldn’t as was going for a haircut, so I arranged for my friend to babysit whilst he was out, then he was pestering me to come back once he was).

I can see how this looks that the bad is clearly outweighing the good at this point, however, we created 2 children, so at some point things must’ve been good, is this a rough patch that we should try and work through or has it gone too far? I’ve tried talking to him on numerous occasions but never seems to help as he can get quite defensive.

thanks and sorry for waffling!

@Tattyteddy2

OP, it looks like you have already decided as he is not supportive of you, to say the least. Could you manage financially on your own? The selfishness of your "housemate" is obvious, and as you say he is quite defensive. Does he have any interaction with the DC?
You can tell him to leave, if he is awkward about this, remember the house is in your name, you could change the locks and leave his stuff somewhere he can retrieve it. You are gaining nothing in this relationship, even half the bills are not covered, while he develops another hobby. He is using your home as a convenient hotel. You have the upper hand, as it's your home, so you can end it on your own terms.

It's the right time when you think of life without them and it feels 'lighter' or feels like it would be a relief. It's the right time when you feel bogged down with resentment that they don't carry their share of the load financially, emotionally, and/or 'practically' (childcare, housekeeping, etc). In fact, it's often the right time when you have to ask if it's the right time.

The fact that you created two children isn't relevant nor is it a signifier that your relationship was particularly 'good'. People create children in abusive relationships, neglectful relationships, relationships filled with indifference. And even if a relationship was 'good', that doesn't mean it's still good. People grow, people change. And you are entitled to leave a relationship for any reason, or no reason at all other than you don't want to be there anymore.

You've tried to talk to him about all this and he doesn't think he needs to change anything. You aren't happy, he isn't listening. What more do you need to know?

Listen, you're in a good position to make a change now. The home is yours free and clear. It appears you have the finances to run your household, pay for childcare, and presumably he'll have to pay maintenance. Your children are young enough to adjust easily to the changes that will come.

Sit quietly and visualize your home without him in it. Decorated to your taste, clean to your standards, your rules for the DC, all decisions yours to make. And no messes to clean up after but yours and DCs. How does that make you feel?

Ask yourself these very confronting questions:

1. If someone told you that you'd have to spend one month alone in a room with your partner, would that make you happy or anxious?
2. If someone told you that you and your partner were very alike, would that be a compliment or an insult?
3. If your child would come home with a spouse exactly like your partner, would you feel happy or sad for them?
4. If there was an easy way for your lives to be separated, at the push of a button, and no one would feel angry or sad about it, would you do it?

Those are really good questions @Girlmom35

Come on OP, he's a selfish idiot, he can't look after his own kids, he doesn't provide for you. He is not a man in my opinion he is on his way to being a total cocklodger. Surely you have no respect for him.
Once I have no respect for a partner it's over.

Would a short, sharp shock help?

Along the lines of, hey X we have two young children to bring up into decent adults and right now their adult roll models are me, muggings here, paying most of the bills, plus domestic work, plus childcare whilst you swan around spending time and money on hobbies not us and them. So it’s going to stop, either you start pulling your weight around the house and kids in time and money and chores or we co-parent with you in your own house. These are the options.

Thanks everyone, locks changes, conversation had, went about as bad as it could have done but it’s never going to be nice I suppose

@Tattyteddy2

You've done the right thing. As bad as it was, it was worth it.

Now, take a few deep breaths and enjoy the peace and calm of your home.