My partner says she feels used.

[ThisSillyLimeTiger]

My partner says she feels used and that I don’t show her I love her.
How does your partner show he
/she loves you and how do you show them.
I honestly didn’t know she felt like this so I’m looking for advice to help fix it. She can’t tell me why she feels like that, she just does.

Does she end up doing everything around the house because you don't see it needs to be done? Do you buy her little things because you think she'd like them? Do you know what her love language is? Do you laugh together? Just a start.

I’d feel loved by a cup of tea, a chat, dh asking me to come outside for a chat or to have a date night, hugs (without it having to turn into sex), sweet small presents and him doing his fair share and me not having to be nagged! Also bed sometimes just being about chatting and hugs, not only sex

Exactly what @stayathomer said.

Its not big grand gestures, its the little, everyday things that he just does 🤷🏻‍♀️
And then there’s the little touches that aren’t necessarily sexual, just a subtle, physical display of affection.

You need to find a way of communicating better with your partner, OP, in order to find out. There's no point in a bunch of strangers offering suggestions based on our own needs and relationships!

What do you currently do to show love?

What would she like you to do (I assume you asked)?

You need to give more details. Why does she feel used? Used for money? For housework? For sex?

It's highly unlikely she hasn't given examples.

Do you tell her you love her? Support her? Cheer her up when she's down? Pull your weight in the relationship?

@ThisSillyLimeTigeryou need to ask your partner what sort of thing makes them feel loved. Shock, horror - we're all different and different things will work for different people.

I would consider someone saying they don't feel loved, but not being able to give you a single example of how she feels unloved, a big red flag. It puts you on the back foot and constantly on edge, but without any actual guidance.

Most women, if they're feeling unloved or unappreciated would be able to give at least some idea why - you never even notice the things I do to make your life easier. YOu never do a single thing for me without me having to ask. You don't call/text when you're away. I have got up every morning and made tea for the last 2 weeks and you've not once got up and made me tea. You didn't notice I had my hair cut. I asked you to help me with something and you forgot. You never hold my hand. We dont' cuddle on the couch. You don't organise date night.

The list is endless, and completely personal to every couple.

Ask her what she needs to make her feel loved because it most likely isn't what you think it is. My DH tries to show love through physical affection because that's how he feels loved himself. But for me it's the actions I need, like when he sets up my coffee machine for me before leaving for work. Once he knew that he started setting up every day, before I told him it was just a occasional time filling thing for him.

Have you asked her?

Maybe look into love languages. I like practical things, making me a cup of tea in the morning, putting a load of washing on when it’s my job but I’m a bit overwhelmed while DH prefers romantic gestures and freuquent physical contact, like runbing his backs as I walk past.

So your response, rather than doing some more finding out and understanding, is just to ask a load of women to give you all their ideas...

My DH tells me how much he loves me several times a day & how gorgeous he thinks I am - if I'm in the office he will text me to tell me how much he's looking forward to me coming home. He buys me flowers for no reason. Cuddles up to me in bed without expecting sex. He brings me cups of tea, will make me a lunch to take to work, does the laundry, ironing & 90% of cooking (he was a chef before he retired).

In return I send him texts telling him how I've enjoyed my lunch & when I'm on my way home, buy him flowers, sometimes surprise him with tickets for the rugby (& drive him to/fro so that he can have a drink) tell him how much I love him & how fanciable he is several times a day. I remember his GCs birthdays & make a huge fuss of them. He's usually an early riser, but, on the odd occasion when I get up before him, I will bring him breakfast in bed.

If one of us is leaving the house to go out we never part without a kiss.

There seems to be a theme here cuddles without expectation of sex is one. No surprise there! 😉

Your partner needs to tell you what sort of things make her feel loved, as it's gong to vary from person to person. For some people it's being given compliments and telling them you love them, for some it's being physically affectionate, for some it's little surprises like flowers or spontaneous evenings out, for some it's just spending quality time together. Being thoughtful and helpful and supportive is always a good start - what can you do, without being asked, that will make her day better in some small way?

What makes you feel loved and cared for? Are you appreciative of the things she does for you?

@ThisSillyLimeTigerwould bet my house on your partner doing all the household chores-the cooking and cleaning. And even if you do your share and do it willingly, you have to be asked, and have the task explained.Or you ask for a list.

Yep, I kind of referred to that. It's so easily sorted but builds resentment equally easily.

I also think the fact that she specifies feeling "used" suggests to me that she does a lot of the domestic chores (or carries the bulk of the financial burden) without getting much in return.

I have occassionally felt unseen by DH - in our case, usually because I sometimes feel I'm a bit out of sight, out of mind for him. If I'm there, in front of him, he's AMAZING. But he doesn't tend to think ahead to when he'll be with me and what might be nice - so he's not the type to buy flowers or a favourite chocolate, or to realise that I'm home late so perhaps he could make a start on dinner or whatever - but I have never felt used by him.

i struggle from time to time in my relationship and feel i am being used; my DH does not drive, so its down to me to provide transport everywhere he wants or needs to go, I pay for the diesel, and yes i admit that this is to places or events I am also included or invited but occasionally it would be nice for him to arrange alternative transport or give me the odd tenner to top up the tank?

my DH cannot hug or cuddle me without it turning into a 'grope'. All i want is a cuddle, i don't want to be pawed or grabbed at every opportunity. His defense is 'i can't help it if i fancy the pants off you'.

other little bits, sometimes make me feel invisiable. i just sometimes want to be appreciated just for me.