Background, we were both just separated from our ex husband/wife when we started our relationship, we had been work colleagues and friends for a number of years and supported each other through the breakups which turned into a serious relationship after a few months.
We both lived in different cities, but as we worked together and traveling we would spend all week together and mainly apart at weekends. To begin with my ex was very open about talking to want to live together in the future. But after 18 months when decisions about my job and relocating came up he had just bought his own place in his city. When I offered to move to his city (not living together) it became clear that wasn’t what he wanted right then, and I realised he had completely closed down about any future plans, apart from saying he wanted the relationship to last, the how the where etc he would never mention. I moved elsewhere and we no longer had the opportunity to see each other all week. It ended up being me who travelled if I could in the week to meet him and went to his city on weekends but he always had plans with his friends & family (as he was away all week) which I would ask me to go too – but many were boys nights. I wasn’t settling into my new job, new city and the change in not seeing my friends & him etc, he was becoming more avoidant. And we recognised our relationship styles of me being an anxious attachment and he being an avoidant were impacting our communication and leading to large blow up arguments.
I went to seek help and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Started medication and therapy. But the relationship ended, my ex felt we both needed to work on ourselves and we weren’t prioritising that whilst being together. His avoidance was not just about relationships with me, it had impacted his previous marriage he couldn’t even think of the future in terms of booking a holiday etc, in the beginning he seemed to be doing a lot of working of identifying his underlying emotional issues and where these had come from in his childhood.
To begin with I asked for no contact, my mental health was in tatters and I could not believe he was walking away when I needed him and at the time I felt that there were just say 4 large arguments. However in time I do realise that the arguments had more de rooted causes, my anxiety telling me if he really loved me he would commit and it was me not being right, rather than this being a deep rooted issue in himself that he has to work out why the future scares him.
No contact was hard and he would message a couple of times a week still. It then moved to agreeing to catch up at set times. He started messaging more. We met up after two months and spent the night together. Since then we meet up every few weeks and we always end up together. He messages and calls me (I always leave him to instigate) 90% as much as he did when we were together, good morning, during the day, evening calls, message throughout the eve and good night messages.
When I saw him last week I asked about where he saw this going, I have never given up hope that we would some way find our way back together, I am in a much better place than 6 months ago. I have done a lot of work on my mental health and understand that my anxiety was fuelling unproductive behaviour in our relationship, that I had lost myself and any boundaries – I am still very much a WIP but have massively improved. His response was not what I had expected, he still does not want a relationship with me, he says you never know what will happen in the future but he doesn’t want me to waste time waiting for him to resolve himself and be ready. If I find someone he would be happy for me.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t understand how we can maintain so much contact, daily and it not be either a relationship or working back towards one. He believes it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and we could be friends, but the level of contact for me is far beyond a friendship with an ex partner. And it isn’t lessoning, it has been increasing.
I am getting on with my life, building a new life in my new city, building a support network that isn’t him, I am in the progress of buying a property, I am not sat waiting but I also wonder if the friendship has some detrimental impacts. I find myself wondering or worrying about him meeting someone else, how will it feel, will he tell me or will he just start limiting contact. How will I cope knowing that he said it wasn’t about me it was about him not being able to cope with a long term relationship but then moving onto that with someone else.
Countless times I have mentioned limiting the contact, but it always builds back up. I don’t understand why he wants to have so much contact with me, be with me physically when we are together but not want a relationship or at least to be working towards it.
Am I the one that is wrong by just not accepting that it is over and it’s a friendship and we wont be together. That there is nothing wrong with him wanting me in his life, the level of contact but only as a friend. Or is this strange and I am right for feeling confused by his actions vs what he tells me. Any advice?