When your partner says he wants someone who understands him during our arguments

[Charlie12023]

Hello, wondering if anyone has had this before, as for me its kind of niggling away, as it happens every time we argue, or disagree on our communication styles. My worry is its one of those things where we just dont get one another's communicate/values/ways of dealing with conflict. Can it be resolved?

Myself and my partner are what I thought very strong together, he is 4 years older and we both live together, love each other dearly and never really apart. We had a few issues at the start, related to his psycho ex wife, she is out of the picture now and we have dealt with her thankfully but we do have this way of arguing where it ends up, him saying something or more like correcting me/analysing me and making me look like everything I say during a row/debate is anaylsed to the point of making me feel quite pathetic and inadequate like I have to understand his emotions, his feelings etc.

He brings up and tells me its not acceptable, but its in his manner that makes me feel very low, and then I want to be left alone. To which he always says the same thing "I want to be with someone I can talk to, who understands me and who wants to open up and listen to me!" I sometimes feel I am never going to be this perfect person as Im a more lets process this give me time.... and he is also trying to change how I respond, however I find myself, wanting to be left alone due to something he has said, that has made me feel quite low, he will act defensive and I then feel undermined so I decide for me to kind of shut off/shut down, I am aware of myself doing this but I dont create drama I just say I will come back to you on this when I am ready, give me time.

I also do it because well I dont want a huge row which has happened before as both strong characters and if i process it on my own I can in my head find an answer when calmer and not emotionally reactive.

He wants to change as do I, but at times the strength here of characters gets in the way and I end up walking out the room, wanting time to process things whilst he is still wanting it to be resolved NOW in that moment, I guess our styles of dealing with things are so different and how we understand one another emotionally is so different, as Im more matter of fact/logical and need time to process, he is more I want it out now, give me an answer and give me attention to hear me out and my feelings, its like complete opposites, he is much more reactive and emotional than I am....so has anyone had this before and how to deal with it? It is such hard work at times and exhausting, everything else, the love, the affection, the emotion is really lovely but this in terms of rowing we can never get resolved, my worry is he says he wants someone who wants to talk, be open, be more loving and a better listener its hard to be that way when someone makes you feel upset with their remarks and always wanting things answered now and to be right, that isnt going to make me loving towards him, i have told him this many a times!

Sorry for the rant, just seeing if anyone has resolved this with their partners where 2 people emotionally are so different, myself being less reactive.

Sounds like anxious and avoidment attachment styles, I'm not clued up on them enough to be able to offer advice on you 2 specifically but I would recommend looking into attachment styles and how to manage them for both of you.

Thank you, thats a good idea, I might just do that, makes sense!!

Having read your post carefully, the only thing I can think is that he needs to take the time and thought to grow up. By which I firstly mean he wants to be with a good listener, but is he a good listener? Or is it all one way?
Secondly, if you have a row it's perfectly normal to want time to cool off, think and the come back to sort it out. That's fine, and honestly if he can't accept this normal way of doing things then yes, it may be that he needs to be with someone else.

I have to say that his words sound very hurtful tbh.

How old is he? Is he willing to work on his communication style? If so then it sounds hopeful. If not, then I'd take some careful thought. Being able to argue and resolve it afterwards is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Thank you he is 54, he has had 3 long term relationships, married before and not had the best of communication and unstable upbringing where there was a lot of leaving of his parents around him, father left when young and mum not been around so this has happened a lot in his life and his fear is abandonment and not enough love. The problem is I get cold and want time alone to process things then talk to him its getting better but in that moment of emotion he says, he wants someone like this, like that etc, which makes me feel awful, so its more him getting defensive with his nasty/pushing away words instead of resolving things, if that makes sense. Like he is not mature to get it, like you say!

This sounds horrible for you. My husband and I were kind of the opposite. I prefer to shout it out and get it resolved but he sometimes draws away and wants time.

I think it’s about attachment styles because I feel extremely uncomfortable when he does this as I’m scared he won’t return and solve it. But I had to learn that people are allowed to process things in their own time. We used letters as a tool. I would give him some time but he would respect that it couldn’t be for too long and we would both write down how we felt, exchange, and then talk the next day.

Generally, now after 11 years, we don’t need to do this as we can speak plainly and openly. His main issue was that he grew up not being allowed to express uncomfortable truths and didn’t want to hurt me or anger me. I grew up knowing that the only way to solve an issue was to dog to the root and drag the ugly, awful things out until they can be dismissed. Now he is comfortable telling me harsh words and truths and I am comfortable letting it go when he says he’d rather move on.

However, if your partner isn’t willing to learn and compromise on communication styles and expects only you to do so I’m not sure what you can do. Compromise and understanding MUST be a two way street.

I also learnt never to say things to the extreme or ‘nevers’ like ‘you never let me do c’ or your partners version ‘I want someone who does’.

My husband had to tell me that those absolutes terrified him. I had to realise that I was exaggerating and hyperbolic in the moment and hadn’t thought he would take them so literally.

Wow thank you this has helped immensely so I really appreciate this and its so good you can now resolve matters, how your husband is with his family/past is exactly what my parents are like in terms of dealing with emotions and things as they would react and would end up making me feel worthless, gosh relationships are so hard, all stemming from our families lol, but thank you, this makes a lot of sense, I really hope this can be resolved as its very draining at times in many ways!!

I think I might have to tell my partner this as the minute he says he wants someone else who understands him better, thats it for me I feel he means this literally!! :(

It all sounds incredibly tedious. Is he worth having as a boyfriend? Improves your life, makes it fun?
I don't argue with, or analyse men, it does not serve me.

You show a great deal of insight here.

The problem is that he is 54 and has three relationships behind him, so the chances of him changing his ways, learning, growing, developing new habits, are very slim.

He wants someone to unconditionally stay "with" him, emotionally, mentally, and literally physically, when he has these moments. You are not doing this - because you are not a substitute mother.

The question for you is how to deal with him when he gets emotionally needy like this.
Do you want to keep trying? If you don't want to end the relationship, all you can do is keep looking for practical tips.
Maybe try not leaving the room. Mentally and emotionally detach a bit to bring the heat of the argument down, move the conversation on, but don't physically leave him.

Thank you thats a great way of looking at it and dealing with it too, I have tried doing this in the past, and when I do it escalates into a full blown row which I feel scared/me crying its that horrendous like he bullies me into feeling this way hence me walking out, like his way of saying to me..... this is how you should be, be this way, understand me, dont walk away and resolve it now, then he will feel better and give me a cuddle and kiss it literally is as black and white as that. So I have to kind of abide by his way, in order for him to feel better, as he said he doesnt want someone to walk over him like his ex did.....so today I feel kind of exhausted and needing time alone again, so I will try this again, but not too sure I can change him, however Im willing to change my coldness/aloof patterns to see if this helps or works at the same time it doesnt feel comfortable, wish there was a happy medium, hmmm but thank you this is so so good and the others too! :)

It is horrible to feel bullied, and to be scared of having rows.
Is your fear of arguments and rows something you need to work on? Assuming there is no violence, it is just shouting ands words - can you learn assertiveness and find your strength?

this is how you should be, be this way, understand me, don't walk away and resolve it now,

Can you hold your ground whilst still being sympathetic to his point of view?
In other words, you don't give in to the "this is how you should be, be this way" you don't agree that you should have to change for him, but you do stop walking away and do agree to keep talking.
This will be utterly exhausting for you - is he worth it?
Only you know if the relationship is worth it.

If he won't accept anything except your full capitulation to his view and his emotional needs, then perhaps the relationship is doomed.

The psycho ex? Hmm.

@Charlie12023 it's not you. It's 100% him.

You can listen and grown and give him exactly what he is asking for and he would still find fault and bully you into submission.

He's using DARVO on you.

It's utterly exhausting and he won't change because he is a giant man-baby who refuses to do any inner speculation and mature.

You accept the love you think you deserve. It shouldn't be so hard to love and be loved back and if it is, then it's not the right love for you.

It is perfectly possible to listen to someone's point of view, hear all their navel-gazing thoughts and understand them... and not be content with the direction that person's thoughts are going. They can talk all they want, but it doesn't mean you have to agree with them, or that you need to do whatever it is that they want you to do in order to make them happy.

Agree!

we do have this way of arguing where it ends up, him saying something or more like correcting me/analysing me and making me look like everything I say during a row/debate is anaylsed to the point of making me feel quite pathetic and inadequate

Is that what love means to you?

It sounds like he doesn't address the concerns or the core of the disagreement, but instead dissects what you're saying to undermine, humiliate and belittle you.

like I have to understand his emotions, his feelings etc.

He turns the disagreement away from the issue and makes it all about him and his wants and needs.

"I want to be with someone I can talk to, who understands me and who wants to open up and listen to me!"

He chose to marry you. If that's the case, what's he doing with you? Unfortunately the world doesn't revolve around him and his perpetual need to be 'understood', you're not his personal therapist, put on earth to serve his needs.

There are two people in the relationship, both are important and both have a need to be understood. You aren't a walk on part for the Needy Baby Show.

I sometimes feel I am never going to be this perfect person

You need to train up as a therapist, sit beside him with a notepad and pen and listen and make notes. Don't have opinions because it takes the focus away from him and his precious utterances. He's throwing you pearls!

and he is also trying to change how I respond,

He's not trying to change how you respond, he's trying to shut you up. When you're talking, he's not and he doesn't like that. You're too small to comprehend his genius.

however I find myself, wanting to be left alone

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable response to someone draining the life out of you.

due to something he has said, that has made me feel quite low, he will act defensive and I then feel undermined so I decide for me to kind of shut off/shut down,

Which is exactly what he wants, for you to shut up and feel small.

You're married to an enemy, he doesn't like you and he's sucking the life out of you.

@Maitri108 OP doesn't mention a husband. Just a tedious boyfriend, doesn't sound worth dating.

Think of the fun, and peace you could be having OP.

This

Ah, relationships they're a battlefield, aren't they? Two strong personalities, both wanting to be heard, both fighting for their own sense of understanding. Sounds familiar.

Now, let's be clear: your partner isn't wrong for wanting to feel understood, but neither are you for needing space to process. The problem isn’t that you don’t love each other; it’s that your styles of communication are clashing like two bulls in a china shop. He wants immediate engagement, and you need time to cool down. And when those two instincts collide? Boom. Arguments escalate, feelings get bruised, and suddenly, it's not about the issue anymore it's about survival.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to change who you are to meet in the middle. You need a strategy.

Set the Rules Before the War Begins – When you’re both calm, agree on a way to handle disagreements. Maybe a “pause” system where you can step away without him feeling abandoned, and he knows you’ll come back when you’re ready.

Reframe Understanding – He says he wants someone who understands him. Well, understanding isn’t just immediate validation. It’s also recognizing that different people need different things to process emotions. He has to understand you, too.

Meet Halfway – If you always retreat, he’ll feel dismissed. If he always demands instant resolution, you’ll feel overwhelmed. Maybe you agree to give him an initial acknowledgment something like, “I hear you, I care, but I need time to process before I respond.” That way, he knows he’s not being ignored, and you’re not forced into answering before you’re ready.

Check the Delivery, Not Just the Message – If his words cut deep, that’s not just your issue it’s his, too. Honesty is important, but so is kindness. He needs to learn how to express frustration without making you feel small.
Bottom line: Love isn’t just about passion, it’s about patience. And if he truly wants to be understood, he has to be willing to understand, too. Otherwise, he doesn’t need a partner he needs a mirror.

Is he coercively controlling you? You said hey tries to tell you how to react and make you feel and makes you feel pathetic and inadequate. Have you considered marriage counselling? I'd feel insecure if someone kept saying that they needed someone that understood them. Maybe you should talk to him about how him saying this affects you? I'm sorry you're being made to feel this. It's not all on you at all.

Is he as concerned about your arguments as you are? Is he trying hard to change his arguing style so he doesn’t hurt you? Or is this just all one way?

This is something you should be able to talk about and both compromise on.

It’s not unreasonable for you to want some time to cool down - especially if your h has hurt you.

Your h needs to learn that it’s unreasonable to want you to think the same way as he does and feel like he does IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ARGUMENT!! You are two separate people with different feelings.

Agreed

No wonder his ex is "crazy". He can't grasp that people think in different ways. You not agreeing with his is "unacceptable" is as far as I got.
He is a despot. If you're not crazy now, you will be by the time you've done another few years with him.

Look, I just feel I need to call this out for what it is: emotional abuse. He is abusive.
Also he won't change, it won't matter what you do, how you respond, or how much work you put into trying to be perfect for him. It will not change.

To answer your question, yes I have experienced arguments very similar to what you've described. I made the mistake of empathising with him and sought the fault by myself. And tried everything I could to be more receptive in arguments, just acknowledge and empathise, be supportive and try and find solutions (ie what could I do for him to feel better, never reversed). Never defend myself or try to explain. Force myself to not shut down and instead continue to reassure him. Etc.
And it still didn't stop, the goal posts kept moving, he became more ridiculous. Starting arguments over nothing. No matter how I responded to him, he would continue to rant on for hours regardless.
There was no space for me, my opinions or my emotions at all the longer this relationship went on.

How did I resolve the situation in the end? I accepted the fact that it would never change, that I only have 1 life and that I couldn't live the remainder of it like this. I left him.

Also he did have a so called "psycho" ex too, who actually wasn't psycho at all, but just called him out on his abusiveness and left him and he couldn't accept that so did everything he could to make her look awful.