Husband and menopause

[Insanity23]

In really struggling I’m missing forties and I have quite unstable hormones and moods are a little erratic. I feel low then anxious then my sleep is bad and I have stomach pains and I get very stressed. My husband just fights with me and can’t seem to understand what I’m going through and can’t be compassionate. I feel so terribly alone. I have been thinking for a while now that maybe I’m better off alone because he just can’t support me through this time and despite explaining how much I’m struggling and asking him to respond in certain ways he continues to be aloof and argues with me calling me crazy, saying I’m unstable and tells me to be alone until I calm down. All I want is some compassion- a hug, some love and someone to talk to through this. Am I the unreasonable one here?

Mid forties not missing forties !

You’re not unreasonable to want support and compassion from someone who understands at all. However, I don’t think any man is ever going to understand menopause enough to actually be of any help. My DH is useless and I’m going through having menopause induced chemically due to breast cancer. He does have other uses and is helpful & supportive for the rest of things in life.

I get my support from my female friends, the breast cancer subreddit and the menopause board on here.

@LoremIpsumCici so sorry to hear you have early menopause due to cancer. I hope you are doing ok. Yes it’s true men can’t understand but I feel like he doesn’t need to meet me with anger and he could just help to diffuse it. I feel so alone. My friends don’t really talk about it so I dont have this support.

I don’t understand why he is angry either, have you asked him? Surely he knows that menopause is going to make your emotions all over the place. It’s a bit like being angry at someone with only one arm for not being able to juggle.

My DH is more of a sulky type than angry. I am sorry you feel alone- I’ve had to lean on friends that are 15yrs older than me! Would there be any local resources your GP can refer you to? Are you able to consider HRT? (I can’t have it due to the cancer feeding off estrogen).

The menopause was a big factor for my marriage breakdown - it changed her as a person and although you can be supportive, when you put so much effort in and get nothing back other than abuse and arguments it can be very hard work and demoralising.

We are human and we do need love and a bit of give and take but for months it seemed like all I was doing was giving and her taking and it does catchup with you. Mood swings were terrible, could not do right at all - "why didnt you ask me about my appointment".... "I didnt know you had one, you didnt tell me" would be a classic example and the anger from her would last days at times.

All I needed was a hug and occasionally her saying she knows this is tough for both, she does appreciate the small things I do and she has love for me deep down and wants to do xyz to work on making things better.

How is he being supportive and how is be being unsupportive? Maybe telling him how much you love him doing the good stuff and what happens when he doesnt. For example, you may love to when he tells you that you look amazing, recognise that. But if he leaves plates on the side and it destroys you, then tell him that in a calm way. Like "I know it seems silly and trivial, I cant explain it but when I see plates on the side it really gets me down/angry and I feel like I just want to punch you/shout loud. Why dont we try doing xxx or yyy to ensure it doesnt happen

@BeerAndMusic thank you for your reply. I’m sorry to hear your marriage broke down.
I have explained I can’t control the emotions and I’ve said how awful I feel but he seems to think the right response is to do nothing and say nothing and leave me to be alone until I’ve calmed down. All I actually need is a hug and for someone to tell me it’s going to be ok.yeaterdsy for example he ran himself a bath and proceeded to sit there for 45 minutes. I just feel like I’m alone in this time and I’m better off managing alone.

It could be a simple communication issue - many people act in the way others would want them to act if roles were reversed (ie. if he prefers to be left alone when he is upset/angry then he may assume/think thats the best way to act). especially if they are not a fan of conflict.

I guess (when your feeling good) it could be worth telling how you fell, how you get very emotional and when you are you are ideally after a, b, c & d, and if you get e, f or g its likely to make it worse. Explain you need his help and thats the only way both can get through.

Drs are rubbish, they just prescribe anti depressants, but you can get HRT privately which may help in time. Are there patterns or triggers both of you could be more aware of?

His communication style (withdrawing and sulky) isn’t great is it. The new Philippa Perry book is good on relationships and communication - sounds like both of you could benefit from it. Ps men lose hormones too and it makes them grumpy so he’s not being fair to blame all this totally on you

What are you doing to help yourself through this time OP? Is there a chance that he's frustrated that he needs to be supportive but you're not taking steps to make things better?