DH doesn't care about my diagnosis

[Trovindia]

A week ago I went to the GP because I've been having pain and stiffness in my left hand. I'm just turned 50 but the GP confirmed what I suspected (dreaded). I have osteoarthritis. I've been referred for x rays and physio.

When I came home I told DH and he just said "oh" in a very neutral, slightly gormless way (I know that sounds nasty, but he just sounds thick when he makes this noise and it's a reaction I get to most things I tell him so it really winds me up).

He didn't say anything else but I know he processes things slowly so I left it and thought he would talk to me about it and offer some support a bit later.

Well a week on he hasn't said a thing. And I'm really upset about the diagnosis, and now I'm really upset about his not giving a shit.

And I know that if I bring it up and say I'm hurt he doesn't care he will say "I do care! You're being unfair. I'm always in the wrong. I do care!"

But how can I know he cares when he has done and said precisely nothing??

I don't know what I want from this thread really, I'm just so alone in this marriage, he claims he loves me but he never hugs me or compliments me, never seems interested in me, we have no intimacy of any kind, and now he doesn't even care about my health!

Can't you just sit and have a chat with him? Tell him you are feeling blue because of the diagnosis, and facing aging in a non-graceful manner. That you worry you may not be able to do the things you want to do and that you may need to rely on him for things.

DH and I try to sit down after work with a glass of wine or beer and just have a daily chat. It could be silly mindless chat about the day, or more serious talk, but we do try to carve out time to connect. Can you try to arrange something similar?

I'm so sorry OP that's rubbish. Can I ask what's keeping you in this marriage as it doesn't seem to be giving you all the things one normally wants in marriage.

I don't think your GP should be diagnosing osteoarthritis, they should be referring you to a rheumatologist as carpal tunnel and even hypothyroidism can produce the symptoms you describe. I've just been diagnosed myself by rheumatology she explained all of this.

I highly recommend wrist splints they've helped me a lot. Try not to despair, you can do a lot to manage symptoms!

It's so hard when your DH disengages. I understand that you feel he should be fully on board. If I came home and wanted to talk about that, my DH would have been listening and vice versa.

I'm just so alone in this marriage, he claims he loves me but he never hugs me or compliments me, never seems interested in me, we have no intimacy of any kind, and now he doesn't even care about my health!

This is your problem, not his (non)reaction to your diagnosis.

TBH many people are under the impression that a "bit of arthritis" is to be expected as you get older. This isn't actually true, but it does seem to be a common misperception. So it is very possible that he doesn't comprehend what osteoarthritis actually is and therefore isn't aware that you'd be upset by the diagnosis.

But the disinterest and lack of intimacy and the fact that feel alone in the marriage indicate a much deeper problem with your relationship. I'm sorry.

I understand completely - I have rheumatoid arthritis and my DH's lack of support (amongst other things) meant we nearly split up. I asked him if he could name one single thing he had done since my diagnosis to help me, and pointed out that I was still doing 90% of the childcare and housework, whilst working full time. Since then he has really turned things around and stepped up, but it took a conversation about me wanting us to separate to get there. If you talk to him and he's not prepared to put in the effort to change things, you have your answer.

So take charge and some responsibility. Leave. Or stay and accept this is your life for the rest of your days.

@Trovindia This is the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? I get the distinct impression that you were already unhappy in the relationship before this issue cropped up.

I've been unhappy for years. He knows this, he knows I need emotional support and intimacy but nothing changes.

I can't leave, I'm stuck financially unfortunately.

No intimacy and no warmth in the relationship is the real issue here. How long has this been going on?

As to your diagnosis, on it's own - I'd have said the fact that he said "oh" to a stiffness in the hand - is neither here nor there. People process aches and pains differently. When I saw your title - I thought it's be cancer, that your partner ignored. But at our age - we are all staring to have something. Menopause, back pain, knees, frozen shoulder, etc. Personally - I wouldn't expect my partner to make a big show of empathy over this. Help me - if I tell him my hand hurts and I can't do XYZ - yes. But not some sort of song and dance.
But then again - I am a sort of person that gets on with things, and pushes through, until I can't.

I agree with the other poster - GPs can't diagnose arthritis without more investigations. So - don't despair just yet.

This feels like a final straw symbolic kind of example of a bigger issue in the relationship as a bit of potential arthritis in one hand is honestly a minor health issue in your 50s.

Are you distant from each other? Lack of warmth and intimacy affects both partners as it causes them to pull away and emotionally check out of the relationship.

I agree more communication is better instead of silently seething because he’s not brought it back up.

He doesn’t sound happy either tbh. Have you two thought of counselling?